JenOni

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Divorce: Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

 

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“When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade”

My divorce was finalized in January 2013.  As I reflect on the process it dawned on me how much valuable time and energy is wasted mainly due to STUPIDITY!  The bigger question is WHY? what do inidividuals hope to GAIN? why be DIFFICULT?  It is so much more advantageous to speed up the process and go off peacefully. Here are my clear cut reasons why an AMICABLE DIVORCE is a matter of COMMON SENSE,  I know I know this does not grow in everyone’s garden!!!!  Bare with me HERE!

Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

  1. Both parties can start to rebuild their lives sooner than later.
  2. Reduce the  financial burden, lawyers are not inexpensive!!! Trust me  I still owe 3 years later!
  3. Reducing stress is beneficial to your MENTAL AND PHYSICAL WELL-BEING.
  4. Establish stability for child(ren) involved.   They have the right to live in  a STRESS-FREE ZONE as well!
  5. EXHALE!

Parenting After My Divorce In My Words

Parenting: CoParenting In My Words

 

Every time I hear the word parenting,  I feel like it is a psychology buzz word.    In the five years of being separated and now DIVORCED, it has been challenging to parent while living separately.    However, I have learned that in order to maintain my sanity, I have to function with what works for me, POINT BLANK!   I also realized my kids can morph into master MANIPULATORS! for their personal gain.    They try to play both sides until someone says NO! All I can say is PUMP THE BRAKES! on this behavior and set some ground rules.

It is so important to me and it actually feels good to say NO to my kids.     I have witnessed on multiple occasions how my kids have a false sense of entitlement.     I know I am guilty of not setting limitations for them on so many levels.      As a single parent, I find myself having very honest conversations with my kids on the reality of our new life.  I feel it is important for them to understand my perspective on planning for our future even if they may not agree with my decisions.   Now with that said I will say my teen has been the biggest opponent of most of my decisions in the past five years.   Honestly, I feel no guilt because I realize he has a lot more maturing to do before he can fully understand this journey.   On this journey, you will find that there will be a lot of agreeing to disagree moments and this is OK.    Again this journey is about our physical and mental well-being as well for our children.    I have found that while parents may share the same expectations for their children, it can be difficult to instill the same boundaries and limitations.   My single parenting is a daily journey as I see the good, the bad and the ugly of having to diffuse every feeling and emotion that is warranted and unwarranted with my children.   I wish it was as simple as sending my children to a time out chair but this is not reality.

There are days when I feel cheated because I get to experience the defiant side of my children on a daily basis.   While the other parent gets to reap the benefits of bringing the fun.    This can be a hard pill to swallow and I  often wonder what is the true payoff.   Coparenting looks different for everyone so I would encourage those who have it nailed- to stick with your game plan.   I know for me it comes down to making the best decisions that impact our well-being and puts my children on the right track for the future.

We are five years in and the biggest win is for me to resolve to focus on what provides a win-win in our new home.  After we close the door I need to open my parenting 101 book and hope for the best.

Top 5 things I need to make part of my daily parenting journey:

  1. Be consistent
  2. Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences for their actions
  3. Frequently communicate my expectations
  4. Have open and honest conversations even if it is uncomfortable
  5. Plan activities for family time


Real Estate with Divorce is Either an Investment or a Nightmare

BUYING REAL ESTATE AND DIVORCE

The idea of buying real estate is a common investment after getting married.  I knew home ownership was a better financial investment than renting.   After getting married,  we planned to purchase our first home in a suburban area with a highly ranked school district.    In 1999,  interest rates were low and as a first-time home buyer, there were multiple programs available.   I pre-qualified for financing with my credit score,  income and 10% down.  Before, financing with one credit history fully consider the long-term implications.   The idea is dependent on how secure the other party is with making the decision.   If the credit history of the other party is not favorable you may run the risk of no financing or a higher interest rate.  Also, the other party needs to be secure with having no financial rights to the property.   The decision to purchase  based on my credit  felt like a logical decision.    A few years after purchasing the property, the mortgage company offered to refinance at a lower interest rate.   One lesson learned is to work on credit issues before deciding to purchase real estate.   Also, create a money reserve for financial emergencies such as loss of income, home repairs or any other unexpected expense is critical.

BUYING A SECOND PROPERTY

After gaining six years of equity, we made a decision to sell and buy a larger property.   I will be the first to say this was the worst financial decision.    In 2006, mortgage companies were a bit relaxed on qualifications for mortgages and a lot of buyers were encouraged to apply for adjustable rate mortgages.    An adjustable rate mortgage is an open invitation to financial destruction.   I say this especially if there is no financial reserve and if two incomes are not consistent.    If I fast forward three years after purchasing a new property, I found myself unemployed and filing for divorce.    After a year of unemployment, I moved out of the marital property.    This was the beginning of a financial nightmare.

DIVORCE: REFINANCE, BUY OUT, OR SELL

Although it was a martial property there were a few options to recoup some equity or break even.  The following options were explained by my attorney, 1) to refinance with only one mortgagor(removing the other party), 2)buy the other party out(not an option as I was unemployed), 3) sell the property(most logical).   I learned after buying a property a resounding term, “you pay, you stay”.    For option 1, I was not willing to remove my name off of a property in which I had a legal and financial right to, option 2 I was in no position to buy out the other party as I was unemployed and the other party was no position to buy me out either, option 3  was the most logical decision.   Selling the property quickly became a nightmare.    If a one party stays in the property and is unwilling to sell or cooperate with the sale it is doomed.   After I left the marital property, only one mortgage payment was paid that meant the mortgage went into default.  After numerous attempts at selling the property, multiple trips to court, the sale was sabotaged, property abandoned, and the bank foreclosed.

BEING PETTY or HANDLING BUSINESS

I have to point out there were exactly four years between mortgage default and foreclosure.  This was more than enough time to sell the property to one of the multiple interested buyers.  The fact remains that  pettiness prevented the sale of the property.   I went to court for a court order to force the sale of the property and vacate the property.  Both court orders were in contempt of court.   After the second court order to vacate the property was ignored, I stopped pursuing any additional court orders.  I had to pay my attorney each time we went before the judge which meant more legal fees.    In July 2013, the bank foreclosed and now my credit report has FORECLOSED PROPERTY in bold across my credit report for the next SEVEN YEARS.    Pettiness is not productive and serves no PURPOSE.

LESSONS LEARNED

I would encourage any woman who is contemplating buying a jointly owned property to determine affordability based on one income.     If this is a marital property, ensure there is a reserve in the event of loss of income or any other major expenses related to the property.    From my perspective, FORECLOSURE should never be an OPTION.   If possible buy REAL ESTATE with someone who gives a DAMN about their credit history.    It takes years to repair bad credit!

Open Letter to My Kids About Divorce and Life Moving Forward

Open Letter to My Kids on Divorce and Life Moving Forward

I felt compelled to write an open letter to my kids on divorce.   During my break, I watched Being, Jasmine Guy on Centric.   It hit home when she talked about going through her divorce and having to explain the situation to her then 8-year-old daughter.   Jasmine moved to another state, which meant displacing her child.    Her story struck a nerve with me because it was a decision I agonized over during this time.    As Jasmine said(referring to divorce),  “Our story is their story”.   Her daughter talked about leaving her friends and not making it easy for her mother.

Decisions

As a mother,  it was difficult for me to disrupt their comfort zone.   My son was nine when I decided to move and my daughter was three years old.   It is difficult to explain adult decisions to kids, however, I hope one day they will understand the “why” behind my decisions.

Open Letter……

Dear Kids,

I need you to know my decisions are in your best interest.  As a mother, I always want the best for both of you even if this means uprooting to some extent.   Although, parenting is without a handbook I feel it is my duty to always provide an environment that is functional versus dysfunctional.   I want to be honest and not make empty promises.   The reality of divorce is not always a silver lining.   One lesson I learned is not to invite less than what I deserve into our lives.  From this lesson, I hope you will always set high standards for yourselves and never settle for less.  You deserve the best in everything you do.

The Financial Impact of My Divorce

 

Financial Impact

One thing I know for sure is my divorce took a toll on my finances!!!!  This feels like an understatement as I look over the course of events from separation to divorce.    I decided to move out of my marital property and I knew there was the risk of not reaching a mutual agreement to sell the property.      In 2008, a year before I lost my job in addition to marital issues I could see the finances spiraling out of control.      Shame on us for not having a financial cushion to cover any unexpected events.    In 2009 while I was still living in my marital home I was laid off from my job.    Although I qualified for unemployment  I made the mistake of using my 401k to keep the household afloat.   Wow if only I could kick myself for this act of foolishness!

After I moved out of my marital property the house slowly crept into default status.   I remember at the closing of my 1st house someone saying YOU PAY, YOU STAY!!!   Despite my efforts in putting the house on the market, it went to the LEFT!     The options for the property were to sell, refinance the property or apply for assistance to save the property.   I desperately wanted to make this a win-win situation, however, I believed selling the property and breaking even was the most logical.      When the bank learned the house was no longer occupied they moved in to foreclose on the property.   It took almost 3 years for the bank to foreclose which is a clear LESSON there were OPTIONS available.   As the saying goes at this point, NO SENSE IN CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK!

What I learned from this lesson is real world decisions are extremely challenging when there is a constant tug of war!  Logic and being rational go out the window!!!!    Here I am with two kids moving into my mother’s home and still unemployed.   I was unemployed for 2 years and 2 months before I secured a new position.   Cartwheels in my head!!!and shouting from the rooftop!!!! I felt like a weight had been lifted.    As you can imagine two years of no income, separated, marital property in default, bills piling up and I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.   The plus side – I did not have rent or a mortgage although I had my car payment.   I used my new job’s 401k to build my nest egg back up.    For anyone who has used an attorney for their divorce the legal fees(I will cover in another post) add up significantly.

My divorce became final 2 years and 7 months after I moved out of my marital property.  This was yet another weight lifted as I had closed another chapter.     Now it was time to deal with the financial aftermath!!!   It felt overwhelming just to open my mail because of the letters and phone calls from creditors.   I literally chose to ignore the creditors and focus on providing my children with what they needed specifically their education.   After consulting with a financial advisor I contemplated filing for bankruptcy.  Can I tell you how happy I am with not proceeding with this decision?

Now I fast forward two years and I am in a new job making more money and able to secure an apartment for us.   Despite my credit issues, I was able to get approved for the apartment, this taught me that in a lot of cases people are really willing to help your drive and ambition.   In some cases, landlords will take a higher down payment or allow a cosigner for the lease.    Just remember do not lose hope if we do not ask you  shall never receive.   When I came to look at my apartment the property manager told me I will do whatever I can to make this work you.    I had never met this gentleman(property manager) our only modes of communication were via email or by phone.    This was clear sign that we have to believe in ourselves each and every day.  We are capable and worthy of living a life that is fulfilling!

Two months ago my job was eliminated so back to the drawing board of finding full-time employment.    My rent was paid in full for the month of June.     In order to say ahead, I pulled money out of my 403K to pay the next two months of rent.   I call this an interim break for me to get my FINANCIAL AND PERSONAL HOUSE in order.    My financial house in terms of debt elimination, credit restoration, savings, and retirement.   Once I secure a position I will be ready to funnel my money into the right channels.  You have to be extremely PROACTIVE in getting your financial house in order.   I started with sending my creditors certified letters to cease and desist any form of communication.    Granted I know this does not relieve me of owing the debt but I feel it does  eliminate the stress of my phone ringing with random numbers.

As a single mom, it is vital that we have a plan b, c, d, e and on and on.   When one door is SLAMMED open the next door and see what lies ahead.   There are a lot of factors associated with why we have to make certain decisions. For example, I moved into an apartment because I wanted to move to a better school district for my kids.    Fortunately, for me, I was able to find a 3 bedroom apartment in a safe neighborhood and excellent school district.   The apartment building only has one utility bill, water and heat are included.   For this area, this was like hitting a jackpot of rental properties.   While I understand that home ownership is the best investment.    I know for me now is not the best time especially with a foreclosure on my credit report.    I am not opposed to owning real estate at a later date because it is a great investment.   Owning a home is hands down a great experience however it comes with a lot of financial responsibility and not just the mortgage payment.   There are additional expenses associated such as homeowners insurance, real estate taxes, utilities, and maintenance/repairs.    Also having job security or job stability is a necessity but not a guarantee.    As a single mom, I will always be the primary breadwinner for me and my kids.     I firmly believe that you must have a financial cushion before you even elect to purchase a home, especially as a single mom.   My long-term plan is to establish other viable streams of income beyond my day job.

Another mistake I made was securing a company to help with improving my credit score.   Initially, I thought this was a great way to help me but after losing my last job I canceled the membership.    In 2011, I paid $99 per month to have the company “clean up my credit”.  Well, it was not a great decision.    Just imagine how many creditors I could have paid with $1,200.   When I contacted the company to cancel my account, of course, I was sold on maintaining an account for half of the price.  Duped again,  I paid $49/month for 12 months.  Let’s do the math that was another $600 to pay off some debt.      The bottom line is these companies have verification of debt form letters they send out in postage paid envelopes to creditors.   Guess what? You can do this for yourself-FREE!!!    There is no way this company can assist in increasing  without me paying down some of my debt.    They were able to have two aged items.  Guess what? You can do the same thing upon request and did I mention for FREE!!!   The overall lesson is education yourself on your credit report by checking it periodically if you have concerns, know your rights,  dispute any inaccuracies and update incorrect information.

My biggest challenge is using my salary to my advantage in terms of establishing a budget, saving at least 6-8 months of salary, and saving for retirement.   One thing I have instituted with my kids is the want vs. need factor.    If you need it then we purchase if not it stays in the store!!!  It is difficult to say NO but my kids need a gauge.   I have been a bit too liberal with my kids in the past year, unfortunately, the buck stops here.   Our rent, food, utilities and necessities are  PRIORITIES.

Here are some of the steps I’m taking to start the process of CLEANING MY FINANCIAL HOUSE:

  1. reviewing my credit report to determine accuracy via a free secured site (used ScoreSense.com).   The site offers a 10-day free trial and then a monthly subscription for $39.95 per month.  You are free to cancel.    From the site’s dispute center I was able to include a  consumer statement on each report to explain delinquency.    I also uploaded the documents to update some inaccurate personal information.
  2. total the amount that is actually owed, the age of debt, determine what can be paid (some amounts  on there are extremely small amounts) ~>$50,000 (which includes my last student loan).  Also have to include my lawyer fees of $13,000
  3. to alleviate the stress of creditors communicating with me~ I sent cease and desist letters. NOTE this does not relieve the debt.
  4. Working with Kara at TheFrugalFeminista  to assist with a plan for how to budget, debt elimination, and establishing additional revenue streams, savings, and retirement.  Also, determine what happens with the foreclosure listed on credit report after 7 years.  (my mortgage went into default status in 2010)

My teen will be in college in 4 years and my eight-year-old  in 10 years.    I am planning and praying for financial aid,  scholarships and possibly student loans(worst case scenario) we can fund their educations.   If I money is available after debt elimination opening up 529 accounts is another funding source.

I have learned first hand it is not logical to rely on one revenue stream.  It is extremely critical to establish additional revenue streams to get closer to my financial goals.

Divorce:The Reality of Displacing My Kids After Divorce

Divorce: Displacing My Kids after Divorce

My biggest regret during my divorce was displacing my kids.    I thought it was best for a fresh start however I never realized it was so difficult for my kids.    When my son was born we were in our first house until he was five years old.   It was the only house he knew and he was just starting to make friends on our street.     Nine months before my daughter was born we purchased another house in a different neighborhood.   For my son, this was his second house and the house my daughter was in until she was two.   My son was excited to be in a new school and a new neighborhood with more kids.  We lived there four years before we moved out.   It was a move out in every aspect of the word.   I scheduled a moving truck, packed dishes, books, china, and everything else I wanted to keep in storage.   I decided I would leave some furniture in the house, that was only fair or at least, I thought so at the time.   It was important to empty the kid’s bedrooms so when we did move it would feel familiar to them to have everything that was in their old rooms.     My daughter was still in daycare so for her the transition was different as she just moved to another preschool and eventually to a full-time daycare center until she started kindergarten.  Fortunately, I was able to get my son in a charter school which ended after a year and a half of constant stress and multiple behavioral issues.   Unfortunately, for my son, he  moved to the neighborhood public grade school which was filled with constant fights and more behavioral issues.   After a year and a half, he was in seventh grade and at the local Catholic grade school with his sister.   This level of instability was a major culprit for my son’s behavioral issues which is why I started taking him to a therapist.   Divorce can be extremely challenging with children especially if they are old enough to understand the dynamics.   For my son,  moving was the worst interruption of his life and now after six years, he is still a bit resentful.   After six years,  he feels his life was turned upside down and he had no control over the decisions.  If there was a way to rewrite the script I would have minimized the transition for the kids.   However,  stable finances at the time were nonexistent so it prevented us from moving into our own place.

FIVE YEARS LATER…….

Now as I fast forward five years, we were near our old neighborhood and of course, the kids wanted to drive by our old house.     I literally forgot how to get to the road we lived on after all of these years.   It was obviously a mental block.   I was so adamant about not going to the old house.  I knew at the time the house was for sale so it was still empty.   For the life of me, I didn’t understand why the kids wanted a reminder of our past.   Finally, I decided to get it out of their systems and drive over to the street.   It was an eery feeling driving through the entrance.     The house was still for sale and the kids jumped out to walk around the house.   I could see the excitement on my son’s face as well as the sadness.  The next question, “can we buy our house”? I quickly let them know it was not possible to purchase our old house and tried my best to explain if we are meant to have another “home” we will at some point.    Although, I had obviously moved on from our “old house” my kids were still stuck in our past.    It is unfortunate we cannot predict the emotional state of our kids during a divorce.

When adults move on it is gradual but I found a way to push through it day by day.   I know now that kids are not as resilient when it comes to giving up their normal.    They store memories of the familiar in a file and this is what they remember and hold on to for a long time.    I know first hand it is extremely difficult to remove memories for kids.   My kids will always hold a piece of our old neighborhood close to their hearts.   Whereas, for me, it just reminds me of feeling alone and isolated.  Definitely, not a haven we typically call “home”.

The best outcome in these situations is to keep as much normal as possible for kids.   Children are emotionally tied to what we give up. Moving on for kids is a slower process that takes more time than I ever realized in my decision.   The best thing we can offer as parents is to give them as much time as possible to move on.

Friendships with My Child and How Divorce Creates an Inevitable Bond

Divorce and My Child’s Friendships

Friendships become the glue that holds grade school together.  For my grade schooler, a new school year means reconnecting with old friends and starting new friendships.  She’s my social butterfly and is the first to spot a new student. This year she was happy to have something in common with a new classmate.   Both of them have divorced parents. I never realized divorce was a topic of discussion for kids.  I never realized how much the divorce statistic affects the kids involved.   While her new friend expressed her concern with having to split time between two parents, my daughter was excited to have the best of both worlds.   From my daughter’s perspective,  there is two of everything such as birthdays, Christmas, etc.  It’s hard for me to view divorce in this light.   My daughter also thought it would be a good idea for me to connect with her friend’s mother.

My 9yo arranged a future playdate.  I realize how important it is for my child to discuss this common thread with her peers.  It is bittersweet at times especially when she demands an explanation on things I cannot control or provide an answer.  There is so much emphasis on adults coping with divorce, but as a parent, I never thought it was discussed outside of our home.   Despite the circumstances, I’m glad my daughter has friends with whom she can share similar concerns and issues.  It’s not always a cakewalk but I will say connecting with those who are navigating the same journey is a great source of support.

Divorce- Raising Kids After Divorce

 “When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade”

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Divorce-What am I Learning About Raising Kids After Divorce?

After divorce, I learned what is means to parent as a single parent.

  1. I realized there are times when the conversations with my children are not pleasant.  The circumstances of divorce may warrant explanations that are tough however I believe in transparency.   This is also dictated by the age of the child(ren) in terms of the nature of the discussion.  It should definitely be tailored around the maturity of the child(ren).
  2. Never underestimate the need for utilizing outside resources to help with PARENTING.   Seeking a mental health professional for children is a great way for children to express their feelings and emotions in a different space.
  3. There are times when I have to say NO! This is tough because as the parent you want to provide as much as you possibly can without restrictions.  However, there are circumstances beyond my control that warrant this response.   I try to provide my kids with an explanation if feasible.  Again I think they need to understand the reality of balancing what we need and what we want.
  4. I cannot harbor guilt for making real life decisions.
  5. Be PROACTIVE despite the challenges of having to make vital decisions.
  6. You have to set GROUND RULES!
  7. Parenting is not PERFECT!
  8. Every day presents a new opportunity to REFRESH and RENEW!
  9. Ask for help when needed!
  10. It never hurts to have a support network of like-minded parents.

Family, Friends, and Frenemies After Divorce?

I quickly learned divorce can create the great divide with in-laws and the acquired friends.   This is unfortunate especially when children are involved.    The extended family is not my reality.  Divorce creates a divide because people instinctively have an allegiance to their family.    The unfortunate part is the children involved are without this extension of the family.   I realized how artificial friendships and relationships truly are after divorce.     It is astonishing how quickly individuals will believe the worst or take sides.   All in all, I guess this is human nature.

Unfortunately, children are squeezed in the middle of all this messiness.      However, I have realized how insincere people were from the beginning.   It is amazing how people will try to reach out but the intention is so weak and the last thing you need is to hear from people who want to brag about themselves and their life.    No shade but I would like to believe my new life of raising my children as a single parent and juggling the day-to-day grind far exceeds an individual’s ramblings about their life.    The old adage  “blood is thicker than water”  resonates every day I am dealing with the challenges of being divorce.   I see now that relatives will take sides regardless of the circumstances.  My stance on this journey is you have to take the good, the bad and the ugly and keep it moving.

Needless to say, I am better for it because I am very protective of who I allow in as well as their intentions.   The silver lining lies in the fact I have my family, old friendships and new friendships to provide my sanity check and support network.

The true lesson is to be cognizant of family dynamics if you want to build a life with someone and raise your own family.    Personally, I feel great families are built on the same principles, morals, and values which create a solid foundation centered on the true meaning of FAMILY.