JenOni

marriage

An Unhappy Marriage is a Reason to Leave and Move On

unhappy marriage

It has been a while since I wrote about divorce.  An unhappy marriage is not a pleasant topic but somehow the remnants are forever present.  This week I found myself having an interesting conversation on choices.  It made me think deeply about the choices and the consequences that follow with every choice we make.   Unfortunately, life does not come with a crystal ball or a road map.  I will say that trusting your intuition is the road to stay on.  When those red flags are flying high pay attention and heed the warning.  Someone told me that we can learn from every experience whether it is good or bad.  There is truth here although some experiences are better left in the past never to be repeated again. An unhappy marriage is not the best lesson but it does provide the right amount of discernment.


Now here comes my awakening on being in a toxic marriage.  The idea of marriage and being married is different for everyone. Some have real examples based on families or friends while others are absolutely clueless about what the institution means.  Just having examples is not a formula for everyone’s household.  Based on my experience, I know now that it is impossible to build a marriage without a solid foundation.   It is not enough to be in love with the idea of marriage while the work involved lags.


I believe marriage is a two-way street.  It does not exist to serve one person and the institution is not meant to cater to the needs of one person.   This ideology is rooted in selfishness and immaturity.  I believe a healthy relationship should provide a calming spirit that nurtures and uplifts both.
One thing I know for sure is if a person in the relationship is creating a toxic and dysfunctional environment -do everyone involved a favor and leave!  Why make everyone involved unhappy?  If you think the grass is greener on the other side by all means-just leave!   It is amazing how narcissistic behavior creates an unpleasant home life.  If it’s all about you -just leave! If you’re bringing so much to the table and your needs are not met – just leave! No one needs the weight of someone else’s baggage -just leave!  


 I owe it to myself to create my own happiness even if that means doing it solo.  Hell,  you can live under the same roof with someone and feel completely alone. When it is not working do us all a favor-just leave!  From my own experience, this will save a lot of time, money, and unnecessary aggravation. Go live your new life!

This Is Us Season 3 Episode 17 “Randall & Beth” Relationship Dynamics

Episode 16

After I watched Episode 16, I was on pins and needles about the future for Beth and Randall. The episode ended with a heated conversation between Beth and Randall. I know Randall will think twice about leaving another insensitive voicemail.

Episode 17

This week’s episode started with Beth telling Randall how she felt over the course of their relationship from the beginning. I had no idea they attended the same college and started dating in college. Their first date ended abruptly because Randall overdid it with his planning. I felt he never stopped to figure out what Beth liked or what was a perfect date for her. When Beth ended the date she clearly told Randall to never call her again because he was too much. Obviously, he did call again. His relationship with his mother really bothered Beth to some extent, especially how much he shared with her. I thought this was a bit over the top for him to share so much detail with his mother and want to include his mother on his dates with Beth.

Randall’s passion and love spread to everyone in his life. She obviously learned to love that part of him. The promise Beth asked of Randall is that they not get lost in the midst of married life. A few things were apparent early on before the accepted proposal, Beth was fine being in their seven-year relationship and in no hurry to be married. I feel she was still trying to find herself. Beth also had an issue with Randall’s mother being a third wheel. Randall invited her along like it was normal.
After countless proposals, Beth finally accepted.

Compromise or No?

After, twenty years of marriage, Beth finally realized her dream of teaching dance. There is a scene in which Beth and Randall are sitting at the kitchen table munching on nachos while Tess slept. Beth talks about looking forward to returning to work and Randall reassures her they will work it out. This is when Beth proceeds to compare both of them to chips. She eventually makes it clear only the crumbs are left. Randall was a bit annoyed as he thought Beth was saying she is only left with crumbs. Beth quickly redirected the conversation for them to get a full night’s sleep. I think the reality of being a wife and mother with a career was starting to sink in for Beth.

Marriage


This episode highlighted relevant topics for marriage. Can compromise exist in marriage? Are dreams deferred while married? How often should you check in with your spouse on goals? This episode was a realistic depiction of marriage and its challenges. Marriage is difficult when two people come together with different life goals. Before Beth and Randall were married, Beth was assertive in what she needed. After getting married, she put herself on hold to support Randall’s next brainstorm. Randall brought a lot of extra and while Beth appeared fine supporting him I think she became resentful. The end of this episode has me thinking they may take some time apart.

This episode is a clear indicator of the communication that is lacking before saying I do. Vows are words but the actions that follow set the tone for the institution.

The Transparency of their Marriage on “Red Table Talk” with Will and Jada Smith

Transparency of Marriage in Their Own Words

This is part 1 and part 2.  If you are not watching Red Table Talk, do not miss the next episode.  I enjoyed Part 1 and had to tune in for Part 2.

Part 1

Part 1  shows there are twists and turns to every relationship.  The irony of Will wanting to meet Jada but seeing his first wife and marrying her instead.    The start of Will and Jada’s relationship was after his divorce.   I noticed Jada gave up her life in Baltimore to be in this relationship.  Also,  Jada assumed the role of a stepmother without any preparation.  When Jada found out she was pregnant, a wedding was planned and she was not 100% on board with the idea.   Their new lives moved very quickly to living as husband and wife with a child.    There was no time in between to exhale.    and it was interesting that Will reached out to Jada after his divorce papers were signed. After my divorce, I realized taking time for myself was overlooked.

Part 2

As a divorcee, I realized it took me almost 20 years to know and understand what I need.  This episode covers a few topics that resonated with me on so many levels.   It was clear to me from this red table talk conversation their decisions were relevant to their lives and what is necessary for their family.   Marriage is not a one size fits all.   The one thing that really sticks is the fact that marriage is truly a partnership which means a mutual partnership that means each person has a right to have their needs met.   Also, in a partnership, it is necessary to communicate with your partner on everything with no secrets or judgments.

Marriage

I learned so much after watching part 1 and part 2 and wanted to share my thought.  What makes a marriage work? There is no formula or secret recipe.  I feel entering the institution with the right intentions is critical and not being in love with the idea of marriage.  I think having relevant examples helps to frame an understanding of what is expected.  If only I could rewind the clock and spend enough time living life.  The most important lesson for me is to bring your authentic self and do not bring an imposter.  Also, the ability to give a partner the space to enjoy what they are passionate about even if the interest is not shared  No two marriages are the same because what works in one home may not apply in someone else’s home.

Lessons Learned

I know to find someone who encourages me to be my best will be a blessing.  Did you miss when they said they talk about everything?  A partner to share the good, the bad and the ugly are golden.   I believe a relationship should serve to make one another better not to judge or criticize.  The ability to accept that as partners we are imperfectly perfect is an added bonus.   Last but not least, mutual respect for one another is priceless.

Why is Matrimony so Difficult and Infidelity so Easy?

Matrimony
Matrimony is an institution that seems insurmountable.   The divorce rate is 50% and as a divorcee, I want no part of being remarried.   It was one of the most difficult and draining elements of my life.   Divorcing made me realize I was not living my best life.  The lifestyle was emotionally and physically draining with juggling a job, home and going from one child to two.  I no longer feel it is something I need to do with another person.   It feels like the generations of marriages lasting over 20 years is gone.  Five years is a feat it seems.
When I heard the song 4:4:4 I cringed because it sounds like an apology or a half-#$%  way of saying #$%*  happens.   What was the real purpose and who is it supposed to serve? Who will listen to this song and think if a megastar can be forgiving you can too?  Is the sanctity of marriage lost? Next, we see a celebrity embroiled in an extortion case and a tape.  Why is it so difficult to be faithful?  Why is a stable lifestyle taken for granted?  Has a life full of lies and deception become the new normal for some individuals?   As I watched episode 7 of Insecure, I remember the character Molly asking her mother why she stayed after finding out about her father’s infidelity. Her mother’s response was “he made me feel special more than hurt”.  Is this enough for a lifetime together?   I guess the alternative is living with infidelity and having someone making your life a living Hell is not an option.  How to recover to feel special after infidelity?  It is a crushing blow to the ego and self-esteem.   I think it’s only human to question yourself.   Does jewelry, a quick getaway, or an extravagant gift really erase the hurt and disappointment?   It makes me question the validity of intentions.
What I fail to understand is if there is ever any regret for the consequences. Is there only remorse because you’re caught?  Why is the “I’m not perfect” justification for unacceptable behavior?   True, we’re not perfect, however, where is the line drawn for respecting the institution.  Why is it so easy to risk destroying the trust and being disloyal?  I think taking a person for granted is a double-edged sword. There is no guarantee a person is open to reconciliation.   The disruption to a family is a long-term process of repair and I wonder are children ever fully over a home that is torn in two? As I live with my two kids, I see recurring remnants of issues each year.   It is not a fun position to be in when you see the struggle but can offer no immediate resolution.
I no longer feel it is necessary to entrust someone to provide what we need.  My faith in another person being in control for me and the kids has gone out the window.   The investment in someone else who may unravel our stability as we know it is not worth the gamble.   It can be exhausting trying to fit someone else’s profile on what they think is ideal.   It feels like self-preservation prevails and people are out for their own needs and there is no capacity for anyone else.   I have no issues with this mindset because we are all entitled to do what is best for ourselves.    The world today has changed from preserving the family unit.   I am convinced living my best life is as a single person.  My focus on our wellness and what is necessary is my responsibility.   I like being in charge of our life.

Reconciliation is not an Option for All Divorces

reconciliation

 

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Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not an option for all divorces.   After a conversation with an unnamed individual, I was caught off guard when she said she was hoping for a reconciliation.    Although this may apply for some couples it was not an option for me.    This conversation really made me think about the mindset of certain people especially those who grow up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I am convinced that anyone who would encourage reconciling to go back to a dysfunctional relationship is not concerned about my well-being.   It is so easy to live a facade for the purpose of trying to look happy on the outside while you’re crumbling physically and emotionally.   I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship with no regrets.

It is easy for some to live according to the rules of others and not stay true to themselves.  I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional marriage.   Her comments were unnerving in light of the fact infidelity impacts so many marriages.   It feels like it is a cycle of unacceptable behavior in some families and it is continuously brushed under the rug.

I have learned it is far more important to stay true to my values and choose the life I deserve.   This is why is it important for me to surround myself with a village who wants the best for me.  In the process,  it means not allowing people who do not have my best interest at heart in my life.   It feels great to embrace positivity and those who want the very best for me.

 

 

Single Mom Chronicles : Volume 1

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When I started blogging 5 years ago, I never realized it was going to be a low cost form of therapy.  This past weekend I decided to change my categories to coincide with my current life situation.    The last four years has been filled with months and months of transition from married to separted to divorced.    I guess some people really embrace being a single parent.  For me it was imposed by the current relationship or lack there of I was living in so I stepped off the rollercoaster.

It is difficult to embrace a new life especially when there are exenuating financial implications associated with the prior life.   It took almost 2 years for me to feel like I could breath again.   I wish I could say there were no mistakes made along the way of this transition but this would be far from the truth.   In order to recover for any transition you have to experience an emotional rollercoaster so you can truly appreciate an existence of well-being and peace.

Sometimes I feel like being a single parent has such a negative conotation.  You have a new circle of friends and associates because not all social circles are conducive to your new lifestyle.  It is definitely a discovery of true and genuine relationships.   For those relationships that do not support your new lifestyle you must terminate  the negative energy.     I have learned not everyone wants to see you at peace and happy.   This is sometimes a hard pill to swallow but life goes on and up!!!!  I am no longer confined by what another person thinks about my choices and life decisions.   Life transition gives a new found strength that is necessary to embrace every opportunity and blessing in my path.

I felt I needed to use a visual representation of my spirit.  A butterfly is a creature of transition that blossoms into a beautiful carefree being.  This is how I feel in this moment of evolving transition.   I get to enjoy soaring through this journey with peace and well-being!