JenOni

marriage

The Transparency of their Marriage on “Red Table Talk” with Will and Jada Smith

 

 

Transparency of Marriage in Their Own Words

This is part 1 and part 2.  If you are not watching Red Table Talk, do not miss the next episode.  I enjoyed Part 1 and had to tune in for Part 2.

Part 1

Part 1 shows there are twists and turns to every relationship.  The irony of Will wanting to meet Jada but seeing his first wife and marrying her instead.    The start of Will and Jada’s relationship was after his divorce.  One thing I noticed was she gave up her life in Baltimore to be with him.  Also, she assumed the role of a stepmother without any preparation.  When she found out she was pregnant, a wedding was planned and she was not 100% on board with the idea.   Their new lives moved very quickly to living as husband and wife with a child.    There was no time in between to exhale.    It was interesting that Will reached out to Jada after his divorce papers were signed.  After my divorce, I realized taking time for myself was overlooked.  He was convinced that he needed to be with her based on their chance meeting.  It made me wonder if he checked out of his previous marriage which in turn led to its demise.  Despite,  overcoming a lot of hurdles it was clear divorce was not an option.  This episode made me wonder if we get a second chance to find the person we are meant to be with forever?

Part 2

As a divorcee, I realized it took me almost 20 years to know and understand what I need.  This episode covers a few topics that resonated with me on so many levels.   Yes, it was clear from the conversation their decisions are relevant to their lives and what is necessary for their family.  Marriage is not a one size fits all.   The one thing that really sticks is the fact that marriage is truly a partnership.   A mutual partnership that means each person has a right to have their needs met.  Also, in a partnership being able to communicate with your partner on everything is necessary.   No secrets or judgments.   Jada’s 40th  birthday was an awakening on finding herself and what was important for her outside of being a wife and mother.  I love the fact that Will recognized she needed to find her happy.  Do we take the time to think about these things before marriage?

Marriage

Some of the things I learned after watching part 1 and part 2.  What makes a marriage work? There is no formula or secret recipe.  I feel entering the institution with the right intentions is critical and not being in love with the idea of marriage.  I think having relevant examples helps to frame an understanding of what is expected.  If only I could rewind the clock and spend enough time living life.  The most important lesson for me is to bring your authentic self and do not bring an imposter.  Also, the ability to give a partner space to enjoy what they are passionate about even the interest is not common.  No two marriages are the same. What works in one home may not apply in someone else’s home.

If you find someone who encourages you to be your best self, this is a blessing.  Did you miss when they said they talk about everything?  A partner to share the good, the bad and the ugly are golden.   This space should be for making one another better not for the purpose of judgment or criticism.  The ability to accept that as partners we are imperfectly perfect is an added bonus.   Last but not least, mutual respect for one another is priceless.

Why is Matrimony so Difficult and Infidelity so Easy?

Matrimony
Matrimony is an institution that seems insurmountable.   The divorce rate is 50% and as a divorcee, I want no part of being remarried.   It was one of the most difficult and draining elements of my life.   Divorcing made me realize I was not living my best life.  The lifestyle was emotionally and physically draining with juggling a job, home and going from one child to two.  I no longer feel it is something I need to do with another person.   It feels like the generations of marriages lasting over 20 years is gone.  Five years is a feat it seems.
When I heard the song 4:4:4 I cringed because it sounds like an apology or a half-#$%  way of saying #$%*  happens.   What was the real purpose and who is it supposed to serve? Who will listen to this song and think if a megastar can be forgiving you can too?  Is the sanctity of marriage lost? Next, we see a celebrity embroiled in an extortion case and a tape.  Why is it so difficult to be faithful?  Why is a stable lifestyle taken for granted?  Has a life full of lies and deception become the new normal for some individuals?   As I watched episode 7 of Insecure, I remember the character Molly asking her mother why she stayed after finding out about her father’s infidelity. Her mother’s response was “he made me feel special more than hurt”.  Is this enough for a lifetime together?   I guess the alternative is living with infidelity and having someone making your life a living Hell is not an option.  How to recover to feel special after infidelity?  It is a crushing blow to the ego and self-esteem.   I think it’s only human to question yourself.   Does jewelry, a quick getaway, or an extravagant gift really erase the hurt and disappointment?   It makes me question the validity of intentions.
What I fail to understand is if there is ever any regret for the consequences. Is there only remorse because you’re caught?  Why is the “I’m not perfect” justification for unacceptable behavior?   True, we’re not perfect, however, where is the line drawn for respecting the institution.  Why is it so easy to risk destroying the trust and being disloyal?  I think taking a person for granted is a double-edged sword. There is no guarantee a person is open to reconciliation.   The disruption to a family is a long-term process of repair and I wonder are children ever fully over a home that is torn in two? As I live with my two kids, I see recurring remnants of issues each year.   It is not a fun position to be in when you see the struggle but can offer no immediate resolution.
I no longer feel it is necessary to entrust someone to provide what we need.  My faith in another person being in control for me and the kids has gone out the window.   The investment in someone else who may unravel our stability as we know it is not worth the gamble.   It can be exhausting trying to fit someone else’s profile on what they think is ideal.   It feels like self-preservation prevails and people are out for their own needs and there is no capacity for anyone else.   I have no issues with this mindset because we are all entitled to do what is best for ourselves.    The world today has changed from preserving the family unit.   I am convinced living my best life is as a single person.  My focus on our wellness and what is necessary is my responsibility.   I like being in charge of our life.

Reconciliation is not an Option for All Divorces

reconciliation

 

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Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not an option for all divorces.   After a conversation with an unnamed individual, I was caught off guard when she said she was hoping for a reconciliation.    Although this may apply for some couples it was not an option for me.    This conversation really made me think about the mindset of certain people especially those who grow up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I am convinced that anyone who would encourage reconciling to go back to a dysfunctional relationship is not concerned about my well-being.   It is so easy to live a facade for the purpose of trying to look happy on the outside while you’re crumbling physically and emotionally.   I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship with no regrets.

It is easy for some to live according to the rules of others and not stay true to themselves.  I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional marriage.   Her comments were unnerving in light of the fact infidelity impacts so many marriages.   It feels like it is a cycle of unacceptable behavior in some families and it is continuously brushed under the rug.

I have learned it is far more important to stay true to my values and choose the life I deserve.   This is why is it important for me to surround myself with a village who wants the best for me.  In the process,  it means not allowing people who do not have my best interest at heart in my life.   It feels great to embrace positivity and those who want the very best for me.

 

 

Single Mom Chronicles : Volume 1

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When I started blogging 5 years ago, I never realized it was going to be a low cost form of therapy.  This past weekend I decided to change my categories to coincide with my current life situation.    The last four years has been filled with months and months of transition from married to separted to divorced.    I guess some people really embrace being a single parent.  For me it was imposed by the current relationship or lack there of I was living in so I stepped off the rollercoaster.

It is difficult to embrace a new life especially when there are exenuating financial implications associated with the prior life.   It took almost 2 years for me to feel like I could breath again.   I wish I could say there were no mistakes made along the way of this transition but this would be far from the truth.   In order to recover for any transition you have to experience an emotional rollercoaster so you can truly appreciate an existence of well-being and peace.

Sometimes I feel like being a single parent has such a negative conotation.  You have a new circle of friends and associates because not all social circles are conducive to your new lifestyle.  It is definitely a discovery of true and genuine relationships.   For those relationships that do not support your new lifestyle you must terminate  the negative energy.     I have learned not everyone wants to see you at peace and happy.   This is sometimes a hard pill to swallow but life goes on and up!!!!  I am no longer confined by what another person thinks about my choices and life decisions.   Life transition gives a new found strength that is necessary to embrace every opportunity and blessing in my path.

I felt I needed to use a visual representation of my spirit.  A butterfly is a creature of transition that blossoms into a beautiful carefree being.  This is how I feel in this moment of evolving transition.   I get to enjoy soaring through this journey with peace and well-being!