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Single Motherhood is by Circumstance not by Choice with Divorce

Single Motherhood

Single Motherhood

Single motherhood is a challenging journey that requires perseverance and commitment.   Every year on Father’s Day I notice a  surge of posts on women celebrating Father’s Day.   The fact that Hallmark found it necessary to add a card to its Mahogany line is even more ridiculous.  We are in some way to celebrate a woman being a mother on Father’s Day because there is no way, in my opinion, you can hold down both roles.    I believe only a mother can teach her children how to love and nurture which is entirely different than what a father teaches.   Before I became a mother, I lived with both parents and I remember my father’s role in our home.  Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was 19. The one thing I know I missed out on is having my father’s perspective on life and all the lessons that go along with challenges. Fathers who are engaged with their children shed a different light on the many facets involved with living.

As a divorced mom of two, becoming a single parent is by circumstance, not by choice.   Motherhood encompasses so many levels and does not warrant acknowledgment other than on the third Sunday in May.    For me, Mother’s Day feels like another day to some degree in terms of what is expected and required.    I feel like I am always on the clock every day, week, month and year.  There are so many hats to wear no matter the season.  It is my one job that is without breaks,  sick time,  and vacation .   Please do not feel compelled to acknowledge me on a day that was never meant for me.    The blessing of giving birth is the role I was destined to have and all the responsibility that comes along with the role.   This is not to negate the role of a father but I am good staying in my lane.

 The blessing of being a mother is one of intent and purpose and I am fine in that seat.

 

Reconciliation is not an Option for All Divorces

reconciliation

 

Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not an option for all divorces.   After a conversation with an unnamed individual, I was caught off guard when she said she was hoping for a reconciliation.    Although this may apply for some couples it was not an option for me.    This conversation really made me think about the mindset of certain people especially those who grow up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I am convinced that anyone who would encourage reconciling to go back to a dysfunctional relationship is not concerned about my well-being.   It is so easy to live a facade for the purpose of trying to look happy on the outside while you’re crumbling physically and emotionally.   I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship with no regrets.

It is easy for some to live according to the rules of others and not stay true to themselves.  I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional marriage.   Her comments were unnerving in light of the fact infidelity impacts so many marriages.   It feels like it is a cycle of unacceptable behavior in some families and it is continuously brushed under the rug.

I have learned it is far more important to stay true to my values and choose the life I deserve.   This is why is it important for me to surround myself with a village who wants the best for me.  In the process,  it means not allowing people who do not have my best interest at heart in my life.   It feels great to embrace positivity and those who want the very best for me.

 

Divorce: It is not Contagious – How to Manage Advice ?

Divorce

Dear Diary,   When you divorce,  why is that you are no longer treated the same by others or extended invitations because you are now single?  It never dawned on me until I was in the midst of being separated and then divorced.   I witnessed how the dynamics of personal relationships change.   Personally, it feels like the word “divorce” is the proverbial elephant in the room or the bug no one wants to catch.   I have never received so much unwarranted advice from people who have absolutely no experience on the matter.

Single and Never Married: It is interesting for single people to attempt to give a once married person advice on marriage.    I crossed my eyes on a number of occasions.  One comment that still sticks to this day is one person telling me “that’s who you chose”.   You definitely learn to developed thick skin and count to 5 multiple times to avoid having an out of body experience.    If you need to vent or seek advice avoid sharing any of it with a single person, who was never married.   There is more judgment rendered than support offered.

Married Once, Absolute Expert: One conversation I vividly remember was from one of my brother’s female friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know my story.    During one conversation I vividly remember one of my brother’s friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know me or my story.  Yes,  I will admit in the initial phase of any experience your emotions are turned upside down and inside out.    I think some people assume the role of expert because they have a specific experience.   Let me tell you; never ASSUME anything about another person’s life.   Although our experiences are similar, our lives are not woven from the same cloth.   The last thing I needed was a psychological assessment from someone you have just met.    If you want an expert, consult the nearest mental health professional for an appointment.

Married and Understand Dynamics of Marriage:  It would only make sense that someone who is currently married with a clear understanding it is an absolute journey that requires work.   I think this is your reality check of advice.   They will offer a listening ear and provide a positive perspective on their lessons learned.

Separated/Divorce:  I have found the greatest support from those who are separated/divorcing or divorced.   They will understand how you are feeling and thinking as you navigate the same journey.  It is important to surround yourself with true champions who seek the positive out of unpleasant circumstances.    This is not the support circle to constantly focus on the negative but it is a tribe of encouragement, faith,  and motivation.   You may need to laugh, cry, vent and yell and still feel like you’re whole when the dust settles.   It is important to establish this tribe as you will rely on advice, constructive feedback, and direction from a place of genuine love and support.  My journey is a lot easier because I have this support network to

My JOURNEY is a lot easier because I have a support network to rely on when I need a POSITIVE perspective.

Divorce-It's Not Contagious

 

 

Divorce: Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

 

Tweet:

“When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade”

My divorce was finalized in January 2013.  As I reflect on the process it dawned on me how much valuable time and energy is wasted mainly due to STUPIDITY!  The bigger question is WHY? what do inidividuals hope to GAIN? why be DIFFICULT?  It is so much more advantageous to speed up the process and go off peacefully. Here are my clear cut reasons why an AMICABLE DIVORCE is a matter of COMMON SENSE,  I know I know this does not grow in everyone’s garden!!!!  Bare with me HERE!

Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

  1. Both parties can start to rebuild their lives sooner than later.
  2. Reduce the  financial burden, lawyers are not inexpensive!!! Trust me  I still owe 3 years later!
  3. Reducing stress is beneficial to your MENTAL AND PHYSICAL WELL-BEING.
  4. Establish stability for child(ren) involved.   They have the right to live in  a STRESS-FREE ZONE as well!
  5. EXHALE!

Parenting After My Divorce In My Words

Parenting: CoParenting In My Words

 

Every time I hear the word parenting,  I feel like it is a psychology buzz word.    In the five years of being separated and now DIVORCED, it has been challenging to parent while living separately.    However, I have learned that in order to maintain my sanity, I have to function with what works for me, POINT BLANK!   I also realized my kids can morph into master MANIPULATORS! for their personal gain.    They try to play both sides until someone says NO! All I can say is PUMP THE BRAKES! on this behavior and set some ground rules.

It is so important to me and it actually feels good to say NO to my kids.     I have witnessed on multiple occasions how my kids have a false sense of entitlement.     I know I am guilty of not setting limitations for them on so many levels.      As a single parent, I find myself having very honest conversations with my kids on the reality of our new life.  I feel it is important for them to understand my perspective on planning for our future even if they may not agree with my decisions.   Now with that said I will say my teen has been the biggest opponent of most of my decisions in the past five years.   Honestly, I feel no guilt because I realize he has a lot more maturing to do before he can fully understand this journey.   On this journey, you will find that there will be a lot of agreeing to disagree moments and this is OK.    Again this journey is about our physical and mental well-being as well for our children.    I have found that while parents may share the same expectations for their children, it can be difficult to instill the same boundaries and limitations.   My single parenting is a daily journey as I see the good, the bad and the ugly of having to diffuse every feeling and emotion that is warranted and unwarranted with my children.   I wish it was as simple as sending my children to a time out chair but this is not reality.

There are days when I feel cheated because I get to experience the defiant side of my children on a daily basis.   While the other parent gets to reap the benefits of bringing the fun.    This can be a hard pill to swallow and I  often wonder what is the true payoff.   Coparenting looks different for everyone so I would encourage those who have it nailed- to stick with your game plan.   I know for me it comes down to making the best decisions that impact our well-being and puts my children on the right track for the future.

We are five years in and the biggest win is for me to resolve to focus on what provides a win-win in our new home.  After we close the door I need to open my parenting 101 book and hope for the best.

Top 5 things I need to make part of my daily parenting journey:

  1. Be consistent
  2. Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences for their actions
  3. Frequently communicate my expectations
  4. Have open and honest conversations even if it is uncomfortable
  5. Plan activities for family time


Real Estate with Divorce is Either an Investment or a Nightmare

BUYING REAL ESTATE AND DIVORCE

The idea of buying real estate is a common investment after getting married.  I knew home ownership was a better financial investment than renting.   After getting married,  we planned to purchase our first home in a suburban area with a highly ranked school district.    In 1999,  interest rates were low and as a first-time home buyer, there were multiple programs available.   I pre-qualified for financing with my credit score,  income and 10% down.  Before, financing with one credit history fully consider the long-term implications.   The idea is dependent on how secure the other party is with making the decision.   If the credit history of the other party is not favorable you may run the risk of no financing or a higher interest rate.  Also, the other party needs to be secure with having no financial rights to the property.   The decision to purchase  based on my credit  felt like a logical decision.    A few years after purchasing the property, the mortgage company offered to refinance at a lower interest rate.   One lesson learned is to work on credit issues before deciding to purchase real estate.   Also, create a money reserve for financial emergencies such as loss of income, home repairs or any other unexpected expense is critical.

BUYING A SECOND PROPERTY

After gaining six years of equity, we made a decision to sell and buy a larger property.   I will be the first to say this was the worst financial decision.    In 2006, mortgage companies were a bit relaxed on qualifications for mortgages and a lot of buyers were encouraged to apply for adjustable rate mortgages.    An adjustable rate mortgage is an open invitation to financial destruction.   I say this especially if there is no financial reserve and if two incomes are not consistent.    If I fast forward three years after purchasing a new property, I found myself unemployed and filing for divorce.    After a year of unemployment, I moved out of the marital property.    This was the beginning of a financial nightmare.

DIVORCE: REFINANCE, BUY OUT, OR SELL

Although it was a martial property there were a few options to recoup some equity or break even.  The following options were explained by my attorney, 1) to refinance with only one mortgagor(removing the other party), 2)buy the other party out(not an option as I was unemployed), 3) sell the property(most logical).   I learned after buying a property a resounding term, “you pay, you stay”.    For option 1, I was not willing to remove my name off of a property in which I had a legal and financial right to, option 2 I was in no position to buy out the other party as I was unemployed and the other party was no position to buy me out either, option 3  was the most logical decision.   Selling the property quickly became a nightmare.    If a one party stays in the property and is unwilling to sell or cooperate with the sale it is doomed.   After I left the marital property, only one mortgage payment was paid that meant the mortgage went into default.  After numerous attempts at selling the property, multiple trips to court, the sale was sabotaged, property abandoned, and the bank foreclosed.

BEING PETTY or HANDLING BUSINESS

I have to point out there were exactly four years between mortgage default and foreclosure.  This was more than enough time to sell the property to one of the multiple interested buyers.  The fact remains that  pettiness prevented the sale of the property.   I went to court for a court order to force the sale of the property and vacate the property.  Both court orders were in contempt of court.   After the second court order to vacate the property was ignored, I stopped pursuing any additional court orders.  I had to pay my attorney each time we went before the judge which meant more legal fees.    In July 2013, the bank foreclosed and now my credit report has FORECLOSED PROPERTY in bold across my credit report for the next SEVEN YEARS.    Pettiness is not productive and serves no PURPOSE.

LESSONS LEARNED

I would encourage any woman who is contemplating buying a jointly owned property to determine affordability based on one income.     If this is a marital property, ensure there is a reserve in the event of loss of income or any other major expenses related to the property.    From my perspective, FORECLOSURE should never be an OPTION.   If possible buy REAL ESTATE with someone who gives a DAMN about their credit history.    It takes years to repair bad credit!

Open Letter to My Kids About Divorce and Life Moving Forward

Open Letter to My Kids on Divorce and Life Moving Forward

I felt compelled to write an open letter to my kids on divorce after viewing a program.   This weekend I was truly a couch potato and managed to watch Being, Jasmine Guy on Centric.   It really hit home when she talked about going through her divorce and having to explain the situation to her then 8-year-old daughter.   Jasmine moved to another state, which meant displacing her child.    This hit a nerve with me because it was a decision I agonized over doing at the time.    As Jasmine said(referring to divorce),  “Our story is their story”.   Her daughter talked about leaving her friends and not making it easy for her mother.   Today her daughter realizes why her mother made specific decisions and felt bad with giving her mother a hard time.

As a mother,  it pains you to disrupt what your kids know as home and the life in their neighborhood with their friends.   My son was almost ten when I decided to move out and my daughter was almost four years old.    It is difficult to explain adult decisions to kids, however, I hope one day they will understand the “why” behind my decisions.

Open Letter……

I would like you to know that my decisions were always in your best interest and not for my own selfish reasons.  As a mother, I always want the best for you even if this means uprooting to create a better life.  Although, parenting is without a handbook I feel it is my duty to always provide an environment that is functional versus dysfunctional.   I want, to always be honest,  and not deceive you with empty words or promises.   The reality of divorce is not always with a silver lining.   One lesson I have learned is not to invite less than what I know deserve into our lives.  From this lesson,   I hope always set high standards for yourselves and never settle for less.  You deserve the best in everything you do.  I am tough because I want you both to stay focused and strive for more than my achievements.   I wish I could promise you that life will come without challenges but this would be untrue.   The lesson to learn is that despite life’s challenges we find a way to prevail.  This journey is one of many lessons, challenges, and experiences.  My wish is that you use our journey to shape and define your footprint in the world.

 

 

The Financial Impact of My Divorce

 

Financial Impact

One thing I know for sure is my divorce took a toll on my finances!!!!  This feels like an understatement as I look over the course of events from separation to divorce.    I decided to move out of my marital property and I knew there was the risk of not reaching a mutual agreement to sell the property.      In 2008, a year before I lost my job in addition to marital issues I could see the finances spiraling out of control.      Shame on us for not having a financial cushion to cover any unexpected events.    In 2009 while I was still living in my marital home I was laid off from my job.    Although I qualified for unemployment  I made the mistake of using my 401k to keep the household afloat.   Wow if only I could kick myself for this act of foolishness!

After I moved out of my marital property the house slowly crept into default status.   I remember at the closing of my 1st house someone saying YOU PAY, YOU STAY!!!   Despite my efforts in putting the house on the market, it went to the LEFT!     The options for the property were to sell, refinance the property or apply for assistance to save the property.   I desperately wanted to make this a win-win situation, however, I believed selling the property and breaking even was the most logical.      When the bank learned the house was no longer occupied they moved in to foreclose on the property.   It took almost 3 years for the bank to foreclose which is a clear LESSON there were OPTIONS available.   As the saying goes at this point, NO SENSE IN CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK!

What I learned from this lesson is real world decisions are extremely challenging when there is a constant tug of war!  Logic and being rational go out the window!!!!    Here I am with two kids moving into my mother’s home and still unemployed.   I was unemployed for 2 years and 2 months before I secured a new position.   Cartwheels in my head!!!and shouting from the rooftop!!!! I felt like a weight had been lifted.    As you can imagine two years of no income, separated, marital property in default, bills piling up and I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.   The plus side – I did not have rent or a mortgage although I had my car payment.   I used my new job’s 401k to build my nest egg back up.    For anyone who has used an attorney for their divorce the legal fees(I will cover in another post) add up significantly.

My divorce became final 2 years and 7 months after I moved out of my marital property.  This was yet another weight lifted as I had closed another chapter.     Now it was time to deal with the financial aftermath!!!   It felt overwhelming just to open my mail because of the letters and phone calls from creditors.   I literally chose to ignore the creditors and focus on providing my children with what they needed specifically their education.   After consulting with a financial advisor I contemplated filing for bankruptcy.  Can I tell you how happy I am with not proceeding with this decision?

Now I fast forward two years and I am in a new job making more money and able to secure an apartment for us.   Despite my credit issues, I was able to get approved for the apartment, this taught me that in a lot of cases people are really willing to help your drive and ambition.   In some cases, landlords will take a higher down payment or allow a cosigner for the lease.    Just remember do not lose hope if we do not ask you  shall never receive.   When I came to look at my apartment the property manager told me I will do whatever I can to make this work you.    I had never met this gentleman(property manager) our only modes of communication were via email or by phone.    This was clear sign that we have to believe in ourselves each and every day.  We are capable and worthy of living a life that is fulfilling!

Two months ago my job was eliminated so back to the drawing board of finding full-time employment.    My rent was paid in full for the month of June.     In order to say ahead, I pulled money out of my 403K to pay the next two months of rent.   I call this an interim break for me to get my FINANCIAL AND PERSONAL HOUSE in order.    My financial house in terms of debt elimination, credit restoration, savings, and retirement.   Once I secure a position I will be ready to funnel my money into the right channels.  You have to be extremely PROACTIVE in getting your financial house in order.   I started with sending my creditors certified letters to cease and desist any form of communication.    Granted I know this does not relieve me of owing the debt but I feel it does  eliminate the stress of my phone ringing with random numbers.

As a single mom, it is vital that we have a plan b, c, d, e and on and on.   When one door is SLAMMED open the next door and see what lies ahead.   There are a lot of factors associated with why we have to make certain decisions. For example, I moved into an apartment because I wanted to move to a better school district for my kids.    Fortunately, for me, I was able to find a 3 bedroom apartment in a safe neighborhood and excellent school district.   The apartment building only has one utility bill, water and heat are included.   For this area, this was like hitting a jackpot of rental properties.   While I understand that home ownership is the best investment.    I know for me now is not the best time especially with a foreclosure on my credit report.    I am not opposed to owning real estate at a later date because it is a great investment.   Owning a home is hands down a great experience however it comes with a lot of financial responsibility and not just the mortgage payment.   There are additional expenses associated such as homeowners insurance, real estate taxes, utilities, and maintenance/repairs.    Also having job security or job stability is a necessity but not a guarantee.    As a single mom, I will always be the primary breadwinner for me and my kids.     I firmly believe that you must have a financial cushion before you even elect to purchase a home, especially as a single mom.   My long-term plan is to establish other viable streams of income beyond my day job.

Another mistake I made was securing a company to help with improving my credit score.   Initially, I thought this was a great way to help me but after losing my last job I canceled the membership.    In 2011, I paid $99 per month to have the company “clean up my credit”.  Well, it was not a great decision.    Just imagine how many creditors I could have paid with $1,200.   When I contacted the company to cancel my account, of course, I was sold on maintaining an account for half of the price.  Duped again,  I paid $49/month for 12 months.  Let’s do the math that was another $600 to pay off some debt.      The bottom line is these companies have verification of debt form letters they send out in postage paid envelopes to creditors.   Guess what? You can do this for yourself-FREE!!!    There is no way this company can assist in increasing  without me paying down some of my debt.    They were able to have two aged items.  Guess what? You can do the same thing upon request and did I mention for FREE!!!   The overall lesson is education yourself on your credit report by checking it periodically if you have concerns, know your rights,  dispute any inaccuracies and update incorrect information.

My biggest challenge is using my salary to my advantage in terms of establishing a budget, saving at least 6-8 months of salary, and saving for retirement.   One thing I have instituted with my kids is the want vs. need factor.    If you need it then we purchase if not it stays in the store!!!  It is difficult to say NO but my kids need a gauge.   I have been a bit too liberal with my kids in the past year, unfortunately, the buck stops here.   Our rent, food, utilities and necessities are  PRIORITIES.

Here are some of the steps I’m taking to start the process of CLEANING MY FINANCIAL HOUSE:

  1. reviewing my credit report to determine accuracy via a free secured site (used ScoreSense.com).   The site offers a 10-day free trial and then a monthly subscription for $39.95 per month.  You are free to cancel.    From the site’s dispute center I was able to include a  consumer statement on each report to explain delinquency.    I also uploaded the documents to update some inaccurate personal information.
  2. total the amount that is actually owed, the age of debt, determine what can be paid (some amounts  on there are extremely small amounts) ~>$50,000 (which includes my last student loan).  Also have to include my lawyer fees of $13,000
  3. to alleviate the stress of creditors communicating with me~ I sent cease and desist letters. NOTE this does not relieve the debt.
  4. Working with Kara at TheFrugalFeminista  to assist with a plan for how to budget, debt elimination, and establishing additional revenue streams, savings, and retirement.  Also, determine what happens with the foreclosure listed on credit report after 7 years.  (my mortgage went into default status in 2010)

My teen will be in college in 4 years and my eight-year-old  in 10 years.    I am planning and praying for financial aid,  scholarships and possibly student loans(worst case scenario) we can fund their educations.   If I money is available after debt elimination opening up 529 accounts is another funding source.

I have learned first hand it is not logical to rely on one revenue stream.  It is extremely critical to establish additional revenue streams to get closer to my financial goals.

The Irony of Infidelity – Is The Grass Greener?

parentThe irony of infidelity.  Experience is the best teacher!  From my window, infidelity covers an entire library.   If you are married and choose to be unfaithful, Own Your BS!  Once the messiness is exposed, it should feel like a weight is lifted.

I see it as an irony because as many have learned “the grass is not always greener” on the other side!  Some of my thoughts and what I failed to understand after living beyond this foolishness.

  1.  Why bother to explain your actions? I found one lie only led to another and another.  The reality is of incessant lying is the lies are dumber and dumber.  My advice, Own Your BS!
  2.  Why throw the other part under a couple of buses?  When you make choices with detrimental consequences,  by all means,  Own Your BS!
  3. If you are now with THE ONE,  Own Your BS!
  4. Speaking ill of the other party makes absolutely no sense, own Your BS!
  5. Please, Please stop acting like a victim!  Own Your BS!
  6. Do not assume all individuals support messiness and will work it out, Own Your BS!
  7. Spend more time getting your life in order and less time worrying about the other party, Own Your BS!
  8. Save the condescending remarks and malicious insults, Own Your BS!
  9. If it’s years later  you are still spewing venom for the other party maybe it’s time to look in the mirror and Own Your BS!
  10. Wallow in that grass and Own Your BS!