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JenOni

divorce

An Unhappy Marriage is a Reason to Leave and Move On

Aug 22, 2019

unhappy marriage

It has been a while since I wrote about divorce.  An unhappy marriage is not a pleasant topic but somehow the remnants are forever present.  This week I found myself having an interesting conversation on choices.  It made me think deeply about the choices and the consequences that follow with every choice we make.   Unfortunately, life does not come with a crystal ball or a road map.  I will say that trusting your intuition is the road to stay on.  When those red flags are flying high pay attention and heed the warning.  Someone told me that we can learn from every experience whether it is good or bad.  There is truth here although some experiences are better left in the past never to be repeated again. An unhappy marriage is not the best lesson but it does provide the right amount of discernment.


Now here comes my awakening on being in a toxic marriage.  The idea of marriage and being married is different for everyone. Some have real examples based on families or friends while others are absolutely clueless about what the institution means.  Just having examples is not a formula for everyone’s household.  Based on my experience, I know now that it is impossible to build a marriage without a solid foundation.   It is not enough to be in love with the idea of marriage while the work involved lags.


I believe marriage is a two-way street.  It does not exist to serve one person and the institution is not meant to cater to the needs of one person.   This ideology is rooted in selfishness and immaturity.  I believe a healthy relationship should provide a calming spirit that nurtures and uplifts both.
One thing I know for sure is if a person in the relationship is creating a toxic and dysfunctional environment -do everyone involved a favor and leave!  Why make everyone involved unhappy?  If you think the grass is greener on the other side by all means-just leave!   It is amazing how narcissistic behavior creates an unpleasant home life.  If it’s all about you -just leave! If you’re bringing so much to the table and your needs are not met – just leave! No one needs the weight of someone else’s baggage -just leave!  


 I owe it to myself to create my own happiness even if that means doing it solo.  Hell,  you can live under the same roof with someone and feel completely alone. When it is not working do us all a favor-just leave!  From my own experience, this will save a lot of time, money, and unnecessary aggravation. Go live your new life!

Filed Under: Diary Of A Divorced CocoaMommy Tagged With: divorce, marriage

January and Divorce, My Divorce Month

Jan 22, 2019

It is interesting that January is called divorce month because my divorce decree was delivered in January 2013. This mail delivery was the first time I was excited to see the postal carrier and I could finally exhale that it was over on paper. While divorce is the end of a chapter, it is the beginning of a new life. A beginning to get it right this time on my terms. Divorce was the best decision for me physically and mentally. It gave me the release I needed to leave a toxic situation. January is the start of a new year but also an opportunity to plan for new opportunities and experiences.

When life gives you lemons make the best lemonade. Divorce showed me the following lessons:

  • Some people who come into your life are not meant to stay
  • Block dysfunctional people, places, and things
  • True friends and family are here for the good, the bad, and the ugly
  • Treating myself to what I deserve
  • The cost of divorce is worth every dime
  • Peace of mind is priceless
  • Surround myself with people who have my best interest at heart
  • Follow my passion
  • Never compromise my happiness for other people’s standards
  • Be direct with what I need and do not settle for less
  • Share new experiences wisely

Filed Under: Family, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, january

The Transparency of their Marriage on “Red Table Talk” with Will and Jada Smith

Nov 7, 2018

Transparency of Marriage in Their Own Words

This is part 1 and part 2.  If you are not watching Red Table Talk, do not miss the next episode.  I enjoyed Part 1 and had to tune in for Part 2.

Part 1

Part 1  shows there are twists and turns to every relationship.  The irony of Will wanting to meet Jada but seeing his first wife and marrying her instead.    The start of Will and Jada’s relationship was after his divorce.   I noticed Jada gave up her life in Baltimore to be in this relationship.  Also,  Jada assumed the role of a stepmother without any preparation.  When Jada found out she was pregnant, a wedding was planned and she was not 100% on board with the idea.   Their new lives moved very quickly to living as husband and wife with a child.    There was no time in between to exhale.    and it was interesting that Will reached out to Jada after his divorce papers were signed. After my divorce, I realized taking time for myself was overlooked.

Part 2

As a divorcee, I realized it took me almost 20 years to know and understand what I need.  This episode covers a few topics that resonated with me on so many levels.   It was clear to me from this red table talk conversation their decisions were relevant to their lives and what is necessary for their family.   Marriage is not a one size fits all.   The one thing that really sticks is the fact that marriage is truly a partnership which means a mutual partnership that means each person has a right to have their needs met.   Also, in a partnership, it is necessary to communicate with your partner on everything with no secrets or judgments.

Marriage

I learned so much after watching part 1 and part 2 and wanted to share my thought.  What makes a marriage work? There is no formula or secret recipe.  I feel entering the institution with the right intentions is critical and not being in love with the idea of marriage.  I think having relevant examples helps to frame an understanding of what is expected.  If only I could rewind the clock and spend enough time living life.  The most important lesson for me is to bring your authentic self and do not bring an imposter.  Also, the ability to give a partner the space to enjoy what they are passionate about even if the interest is not shared  No two marriages are the same because what works in one home may not apply in someone else’s home.

Lessons Learned

I know to find someone who encourages me to be my best will be a blessing.  Did you miss when they said they talk about everything?  A partner to share the good, the bad and the ugly are golden.   I believe a relationship should serve to make one another better not to judge or criticize.  The ability to accept that as partners we are imperfectly perfect is an added bonus.   Last but not least, mutual respect for one another is priceless.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: communication, divorce, happy, marriage

Post-Divorce and Advice Overload

Sep 1, 2018

Post-Divorce and What I Learned from Advice

Post-Divorce

Post-divorce brings a lot of challenges.  After the school year ended I was able to get away for some downtime.    Our school year was filled with a lot of challenges from the beginning to the end.   I booked my first solo trip in eight years.   My transition from being married to separated and finally divorced was a rollercoaster.   I am always making life decisions and trying to find balance is tough.   The best part of taking time away is looking forward to the next trip.  Traveling with intention is my priority.

When Advice Arrives

Divorce comes with a lot of advice, suggestions, and self-proclaimed wisdom.   I know my past, present, and future which means I need to do what makes sense for me.   While some advice may come with good intention only I know what works for my sanity.  Unfortunately, there is no handbook for life and disappointments are along the way.   The most important thing is that my decisions are in the best interest of myself and my kids.

Revelation

I will no longer feel guilty about scheduling time away to decompress and reset.   As a working mom, I loved the time away off the radar with no schedule except for watching a sunset.  The best thing to offer a single parent is the support to lessen the day to day grind.  Nothing is perfect but there are lessons to be learned along this path.

Filed Under: Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, post divorce

The Reality of Finances when Raising Children with One Salary

Oct 19, 2017

finances

*the post includes an affiliate link which means I will receive a commission if you click and purchase*

Finances and the Reality of Raising Children with One Salary

Finances and raising children needs a serious reality check.  In January 2017, a published report stated a cost of raising a child as a married couple with two incomes is $233, 610 from birth to the age of 17.   Although, I do not have a newborn being a single parent with two school-age children and one income is a major financial challenge.

Childcare Expenses

For some reason,  it seems as if true expenses associated with raising children or trying to raise children effectively are overlooked.   The cost of living increases year over year and it entails more than housing, food, and clothing for children.    The additional expenses change each year.   For example, working full-time requires before and aftercare services.  There is no way around this expense if children are too young to stay home alone.  Childcare is a yearly expense of $6,000 each year with an incremental increase each year.   It is a necessary expense and unavoidable.   During summer break, a camp is another expense which can range from $2,000 to $4,000 per child depending on the program.   Both of these expenses are important for providing a safe and nurturing before and after school as well as during the summer months.

My younger child who has an interest in playing sports and there are expenses incurred.  Most townships offer sports programs for a fee each season.  In addition to the fee, sports require some element of the uniform at my expense such as footwear, safety equipment,  and special clothing.

Healthcare Expenses

Healthcare is another expense.  My youngest has a pre-existing condition which requires a monthly prescription with an out of pocket expense of over $150.  Now using my prescription by mail service, the prescription saves me over $150 every three months.   My HSA does cover some expenses such as over the counter medication, office visits, prescriptions.  However, there unexpected situations that may an emergency room visit.   In light of healthcare plans with deductibles,  there are costs for ER visits and overnight stays in a hospital.    Some hospitals offer financial assistance to reduce medical bills.

School Expenses

Both of my children are in public schools.   September brings a new list of school supplies at my expense.  If after-school clubs are offered, a fee is charged.   School trips have fees.   There are classroom events planned where parents are expected to contribute monetarily.   I am a firm believer of being a parent who is engaged on all levels of my children’s education.   This year my daughter wanted to play an instrument, there is a fee to rent the instrument for the school year.

Additional Expenses

Extracurricular activities such as vacations, day trips or cultural experience, sporting events are another expense.  Yes, some may these are not necessary.  My goal is to expose my children to as much as possible to nurture a well-rounded productive individual who can navigate in this world.

It is obvious some individuals are clueless when it comes to raising children beyond the necessities.   I think it is a waste of time to educate anyone on the how and why of parenting in the 21st century.    It is very despicable to me for individuals to provide the bare minimum and not be held accountable.   If it is a hard concept to grasp as far as what is required for financially supporting the well-being of children,  Google it!

Filed Under: Finances, Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: #singlemom, children, divorce, singleparenting

Why is Matrimony so Difficult and Infidelity so Easy?

Sep 19, 2017

Matrimony
Matrimony is an institution that seems insurmountable.   The divorce rate is 50% and as a divorcee, I want no part of being remarried.   It was one of the most difficult and draining elements of my life.   Divorcing made me realize I was not living my best life.  The lifestyle was emotionally and physically draining with juggling a job, home and going from one child to two.  I no longer feel it is something I need to do with another person.   It feels like the generations of marriages lasting over 20 years is gone.  Five years is a feat it seems.
When I heard the song 4:4:4 I cringed because it sounds like an apology or a half-#$%  way of saying #$%*  happens.   What was the real purpose and who is it supposed to serve? Who will listen to this song and think if a megastar can be forgiving you can too?  Is the sanctity of marriage lost? Next, we see a celebrity embroiled in an extortion case and a tape.  Why is it so difficult to be faithful?  Why is a stable lifestyle taken for granted?  Has a life full of lies and deception become the new normal for some individuals?   As I watched episode 7 of Insecure, I remember the character Molly asking her mother why she stayed after finding out about her father’s infidelity. Her mother’s response was “he made me feel special more than hurt”.  Is this enough for a lifetime together?   I guess the alternative is living with infidelity and having someone making your life a living Hell is not an option.  How to recover to feel special after infidelity?  It is a crushing blow to the ego and self-esteem.   I think it’s only human to question yourself.   Does jewelry, a quick getaway, or an extravagant gift really erase the hurt and disappointment?   It makes me question the validity of intentions.
What I fail to understand is if there is ever any regret for the consequences. Is there only remorse because you’re caught?  Why is the “I’m not perfect” justification for unacceptable behavior?   True, we’re not perfect, however, where is the line drawn for respecting the institution.  Why is it so easy to risk destroying the trust and being disloyal?  I think taking a person for granted is a double-edged sword. There is no guarantee a person is open to reconciliation.   The disruption to a family is a long-term process of repair and I wonder are children ever fully over a home that is torn in two? As I live with my two kids, I see recurring remnants of issues each year.   It is not a fun position to be in when you see the struggle but can offer no immediate resolution.
I no longer feel it is necessary to entrust someone to provide what we need.  My faith in another person being in control for me and the kids has gone out the window.   The investment in someone else who may unravel our stability as we know it is not worth the gamble.   It can be exhausting trying to fit someone else’s profile on what they think is ideal.   It feels like self-preservation prevails and people are out for their own needs and there is no capacity for anyone else.   I have no issues with this mindset because we are all entitled to do what is best for ourselves.    The world today has changed from preserving the family unit.   I am convinced living my best life is as a single person.  My focus on our wellness and what is necessary is my responsibility.   I like being in charge of our life.

Filed Under: Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, infidelity, marriage

The Law Library to File Paperwork for My Divorce

Aug 22, 2017

*the post contains an affiliate link and I will receive a commission if you click and purchase*


Law Library

Hiring a Lawyer

I made so many mistakes when I hired an attorney.   When I  filed for divorce in the Fall of 2008, it was unchartered territory.    It took me two years to move out in 2010.    My surprise came when I saw how quickly the legal fees added up every time my lawyer called, emailed, mailed documents, court time, and filing documents.   I feel the custody agreement was a waste of time since it only lasted for a year.    After two years of separation, I was tired of the waiting period to sell a house that was never going to sell.  In August of 2012, I took matters into my own hands and decided to file the rest of the paperwork.  I spent hours in the law library scouring a family law book to get the documents filed properly.

Lawyer Fees and Filing Paperwork

My lawyer’s fees were creeping up and I needed to speed up the process.    After I typed the forms, made copies, and filed the forms with the prothonotary, it was finally finished.   Shortly, after filing all of the paperwork I learned one form was missing.   Luckily, the paralegal was able to file the last document.   I was elated there were no delays in finalizing my divorce.  The judge signed off on the divorce decree in December 2012 and I received the decree In January 2013.   I know the entire process would have lingered on for years. This was one of the best decisions I made in the entire process.   From my experience, I think it is important to discuss with a prospective lawyer the timeline and an estimate on hours.

Finale

My attorney worked hard to reach an amicable settlement but to no avail.  I had to advocate for myself to minimize the legal costs.  It worked in my favor because I stopped additional costs.  The downside is now I am stuck with a hefty legal bill. and foreclosure on my credit report.   If I can offer any advice it would be to hire a lawyer and make the process as quick and amicable as possible.

Filed Under: Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: attorney, divorce, legal costs

A New Relationship after Divorce is not a Competition or a Race Down the Aisle Again

Aug 15, 2017

 

relationshipsNew relationships after divorce are not a competition.    It should be a thought provoking decision based on reality, not fiction.   After divorcing I feel like the amount of advice was overwhelming and on occasion, filled with utter stupidity.   I had an unnamed person tell me I should get married(remarried)!  My first thought was for what reason? Is this a competition of some sort?   The statement was so irrelevant to the conversation.   I also must point out the statement was filled with contempt.    It made me realize being happy and content after divorce is obviously an issue for some people.    One thing I do know is that any decisions I make that impact my happiness will never be made in haste or to compete with another person.

One of the best lessons after divorce is to be very strategic in all decisions that impact my well being.   A relationship sounds like a good idea, however, finding a suitable partner who shares the same values, goals, and lifestyle is challenging.    While the choice to settle for less is very easy this brings so much unnecessary stress.   One of the best advantages to being single is the ability to enjoy life independently and to be in charge of my well being.   Personally, I know the worst mistake I made was thinking a relationship(s) was a replacement for a failed marriage.  A failed marriage has you questioning a lot of things.    I needed to take the time to evaluate what is needed in my life before including another person to share my time and space.  This was eye opening because what I thought was necessary was more work than I need right now.

I believe it is important to stop trying to make up for the time spent in a failed marriage.   The best thing I can do is focus on making better choices and living my best life.   I am enjoying my time alone and being in charge of my decisions.   One of the best parts is taking my time to make the right choices when it comes to the right person and a  relationship.  The art of weeding out the wrong one to find the right one becomes easier and easier.  I am not phased with attention especially if it is not the right attention.    After many lessons, the best advice I can offer is to discover you again, use the time to make yourself better,  learn to enjoy you, love your self every day no matter how small or large,  do not look for someone else to save you,  make a conscious effort to try something new, take care of your temple, travel, start a things I want to do list (not a fan of bucket list).

I hope to continue to live the best life possible on my terms and if it is meant to share with someone else it will happen.   It feels damn good to look forward to planning things I put on the back burner for so many years.    As someone told me,  it will happen because I refuse to settle.     The words to live by are never settle and no regrets!

Filed Under: Diary Of A Divorced CocoaMommy, Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, Relationships

Single Motherhood is by Circumstance not by Choice with Divorce

Jun 20, 2017

Single Motherhood

*this post contains an affiliate link which means I receive commission if you click the link and purchase*

Single Motherhood

Single motherhood is a challenging journey that requires perseverance and commitment.   Every year on Father’s Day I notice a  surge of posts on women celebrating Father’s Day.   The fact that Hallmark found it necessary to add a card to its Mahogany line is even more ridiculous.  We are in some way to celebrate a woman being a mother on Father’s Day because there is no way, in my opinion, you can hold down both roles.    I believe only a mother can teach her children how to love and nurture which is entirely different than what a father teaches.   Before I became a mother, I lived with both parents and I remember my father’s role in our home.  Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was 19. The one thing I know I missed out on is having my father’s perspective on life and all the lessons that go along with challenges. Fathers who are engaged with their children shed a different light on the many facets involved with living.

As a divorced mom of two, becoming a single parent is by circumstance, not by choice.   Motherhood encompasses so many levels and does not warrant acknowledgment other than on the third Sunday in May.    For me, Mother’s Day feels like another day to some degree in terms of what is expected and required.    I feel like I am always on the clock every day, week, month and year.  There are so many hats to wear no matter the season.  It is my one job that is without breaks,  sick time,  and vacation.   Please do not feel compelled to acknowledge me on a day that was never meant for me.    The blessing of giving birth is the role I was destined to have and all the responsibility that comes along with the role.   This is not to negate the role of a father but I am good staying in my lane.

 The blessing of being a mother is one of intent and purpose and I am fine in that seat.

Filed Under: Diary Of A Divorced CocoaMommy, Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, parenting, single mothers

Reconciliation is not an Option for All Divorces

May 16, 2017

reconciliation

 

*this post contains an affiliate link, which means I receive a commission if you click and purchase*

Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not an option for all divorces.   After a conversation with an unnamed individual, I was caught off guard when she said she was hoping for a reconciliation.    Although this may apply for some couples it was not an option for me.    This conversation really made me think about the mindset of certain people especially those who grow up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I am convinced that anyone who would encourage reconciling to go back to a dysfunctional relationship is not concerned about my well-being.   It is so easy to live a facade for the purpose of trying to look happy on the outside while you’re crumbling physically and emotionally.   I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship with no regrets.

It is easy for some to live according to the rules of others and not stay true to themselves.  I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional marriage.   Her comments were unnerving in light of the fact infidelity impacts so many marriages.   It feels like it is a cycle of unacceptable behavior in some families and it is continuously brushed under the rug.

I have learned it is far more important to stay true to my values and choose the life I deserve.   This is why is it important for me to surround myself with a village who wants the best for me.  In the process,  it means not allowing people who do not have my best interest at heart in my life.   It feels great to embrace positivity and those who want the very best for me.

 

 

Filed Under: Diary Of A Divorced CocoaMommy, Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, infidelity, marriage, reconciliation

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