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The Reality of Finances when Raising Children with One Salary

finances

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Finances and the Reality of Raising Children with One Salary

Finances and raising children needs a serious reality check for some individuals.  In January 2017, a published reported stated a cost of raising a child as a married couple with two incomes is $233, 610 from birth to the age of 17. Although, I do not have a newborn being a divorced parent with two school-age children and one income is a major financial challenge.

For some reason,  it seems as if true expenses associated with raising children or trying to raise children effectively are overlooked.   The cost of living increases year over year and it entails more than housing, food, and clothing for children.    The additional expenses change each year as children get older.   For example, working full-time requires before and after care services.  There is no way around this expense if children are too young to come on their own.  Childcare is a yearly expense of $6,000 each year with an incremental increase each year.   It is a necessary expense and unavoidable.   During summer break, a camp is another expense which can range from $2,000 to $4,000 per child depending on the program.   Both of these expenses are critical for providing a safe and nurturing before and after school as well as during the summer months.

If children have an interest in playing sports there are expenses incurred.  Most townships offer sports programs for a fee each season.  In addition to the fee,  sports require some element of the uniform at my expense such as footwear, safety equipment, special clothing, etc.

Another expense is related to healthcare.   One of my children has a pre-existing condition which requires a monthly prescription with an out of pocket expense over $150.  This year my pediatrician changed the concentration of the medication and this increased the medication to over $200.  Yes, I do utilize my HSA to conver some of my healthcare expenses.   However, there the unfortunate times which require an emergency room visit.   In light of plans with deductibles,  there are costs for ER visits and overnight stays in a hospital.    There are hospitals that offer financial assistance to reduce medical bills.   I would suggest taking the effort to fill out the necessary paperwork.

Both children are in public schools.   September brings a new round of school supplies at my expense.  If after school clubs are offered, a fee is charged.   School trips have fees.   There are classroom events planned where parents are expected to contribute monetarily.   I am a firm believer of being a parent who is engaged on all levels of my children’s education.   This year my daughter wanted to play an instrument, there is a fee to rent the instrument for the school year.

Extracurricular activities such as vacations, day trips or cultural experience, sporting events are another expense.  Yes, some may these are not necessary.  My goal is to expose my children to as much as possible to nurture a well-rounded productive individual who can navigate in this world.

It is obvious some individuals are clueless when it comes to raising children beyond the necessities.   I think it is a waste of time to educate anyone on the how and why of parenting in the 21st century.    It is very despicable to me for individuals to provide the bare minimum and not be held accountable.   If it is a hard concept to grasp as far as what is required for financially supporting the well-being of children,  Google it!

 

 

Friendships with My Child and How Divorce Creates an Inevitable Bond

Divorce and My Child’s Friendships

Friendships become the glue that holds grade school together.  For my grade schooler, a new school year means reconnecting with old friends and starting new friendships.  She’s my social butterfly and is the first to spot a new student. This year she was happy to have something in common with a new classmate.   Both of them have divorced parents. I never realized divorce was a topic of discussion for kids.  I never realized how much the divorce statistic affects the kids involved.   While her new friend expressed her concern with having to split time between two parents, my daughter was excited to have the best of both worlds.   From my daughter’s perspective,  there is two of everything such as birthdays, Christmas, etc.  It’s hard for me to view divorce in this light.   My daughter also thought it would be a good idea for me to connect with her friend’s mother.

My 9yo arranged a future playdate.  I realize how important it is for my child to discuss this common thread with her peers.  It is bittersweet at times especially when she demands an explanation on things I cannot control or provide an answer.  There is so much emphasis on adults coping with divorce, but as a parent, I never thought it was discussed outside of our home.   Despite the circumstances, I’m glad my daughter has friends with whom she can share similar concerns and issues.  It’s not always a cakewalk but I will say connecting with those who are navigating the same journey is a great source of support.

Separation/Divorce: Custody Agreements

 

photo credit: eonline.com

After separating, I thought it was best to create a custody agreement so there was no foolishness on visitations, holidays, etc.    Due to all of the continual    It was in anticipation of foolishness and just as I predicated it became a debacle.   If you have an attorney he or she will petition the court for a custody agreement for minor children.  The  next step is attending a mandatory parenting class,  it states mandatory but for some people they just decide to not show up.

Although it took time out of my schedule, I still made the effort to attend as stated by the courts.   It is a one and a half hour group class in which you watch a video.  The video covers topics related to custody of minor children such as how to make visits productive,  what conversations are off limits, setting rules for separate households, and introduction of new relationships, etc.   The class reviews some of the emotional issues encountered with raising child(ren) in separate households.   I thought it was very helpful in terms of covering issues you may not think about or consider.

Specifically, it covered when it is appropriate to introduce a new relationship to your child(ren) and the suggestion was after 2 years of separation.   Separation can be extremely traumatic for some children of various ages and I guess the intention is to minimize any other complications and drama.     I have found this with my older child over the course of the past two years.  He was encouraged to accept external children as his siblings.  Why introduce conflicting issues when a child(ren) under these circumstances have enough to deal with on a daily basis?   A source of foolishness for the other parent to unravel.   I digress….

I always say in an ideal world this should work flawlessly if you are dealing with  reasonable and sensible parties.   After the parenting class, we were assigned to a mediator who is usually an attorney who solely handles mediation.    I elected to do the mediation with the mediator and the other party called in to the conference.    During the mediation you establish who will be the custodial and non-custodial parent, who the child(ren) will reside with on a full-time basis.   After this determination, the parents determine a visitation schedule, for some parents they may choose  week days with transport to and from school or weekends.   It is up to the parents to reach an agreement on exactly how to schedule their time.  Our agreement included every other weekend with designated 7PM pick-up on Friday and return on Sunday at 7PM.   Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were a given with the designated parent.   The other major holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Spring break (if applicable) was assigned odd years for one parent and even years for other parent.   Once the mediation is  over the custody agreement is filed with the courts and signed off with the judge.   When issues arise with the children it is each parent’s responsibility to inform the other parent.

Initially, the every other weekend schedule worked like clock work and then it gradually went downhill.   The pick up and drop off times were not adhered to.  For less than a year there was a custody agreement until I petitioned the court to have the agreement modified.   I felt like there needed to be adherence to being on time for pick up and drop off.   Also maintaining the holiday schedule according to the agreement and giving the other parent proper notification if there was a conflict with their designated weekend.    Informing the other parent a week before your designated weekend is unacceptable.   Also having the agreement set a neutral drop off and pick up for the kids was another issue.  These situations open up so many opportunities for creating unneccesary BS!     It started to become overwhelming with the constant inconsistency and then having the children return with conflicting stories on who was taking care of them and when.   It is amazing that even with the judge signing off on a  custody agreement individuals take it upon themselves to whatever they please.   It was never a win-win situation.    For a  year and a half there has been no formal custody agreement after the next designated weekend in May last year was ignored I just stopped bothering.

If a parent is serious about spending valuable time with their child(ren) it is their responsibility to adhere to a schedule.   This was another example of foolishness endured when not dealing with reasonable and sensible.

Now fast forward to the Halle Berry/Olivier Martinez/Gabriel Aubry story that created a media frenzy a few weeks ago.   First of all there has to be some tension simply due to a recent petition for Halle and Nahla to move to France permanently to avoid harassment by the paparazzi.   Well the petition was denied by the judge.   Halle’s new fiance Olivier Martinez is French and so it all makes sense in an ideal world, right?  If the biological father lives here in the US,  what would make this an option based on the paparazzi harassing the biological mother?  All parents have the right to establish visitation with their child(ren).  As I stated above you have to be one step  above the potential for foolishness.   If an amicable relationship was never established between the biological father and fiance, why was there any interaction?   Based on the photographs of Gabriel’s face and Olivier’s hands, there was some deep rooted tension stemming from somewhere.   The fact the new fiance wants to move his child to France, could this be it?    In cases like this a designated neutral drop off and pick up should be established.   After evaluating the incident, I think all the adults involved crossed the line and set a poor example for the child involved in the custody agreement.   The child(ren) should always be the priority of the parent’s external decisions.   Based on my own  experience, it is best to minimize the stress on yourself.  Therefore proceed with caution when introducing a third party into a custody situation.

My Moment: Parent of a Tween- Can Love & Like Coexist?

 

 

For me giving birth was what I equate to a marathon runner finishing a race, it is the biggest release of physical and emotional energy filled with a loads of adrenaline…It is so true that the pain escapes your memory and even without an epidural on either delivery I cannot recall the pain not even the “ring of fire” stays with you!  

The process of giving birth was easy compared to the real job of parenting.  Parenting is a daily and constant hurdle.   There is no rule book, standard operating procedures,  or instruction manual.    It takes a lot of ingenuity and major tenacity!  Loving your children is truly unconditional; there is no denying this feeling.   In the past few weeks my thoughts have centered on this question; are we always suppose to “like” our children?   No matter how much you want for your children they may not share your hopes, dreams and desires.     I am finding that a number of circumstances affect the path our children choose and the struggles as a parent are beyond stressful.    The onset of puberty and the need to “belong” are battles that I may never win.    In discussions with other parents I hear this is just the beginning and I’m thinking wow, really?     I will admit it is easy to love unconditionally but to always “like”  who your child is transforming into in front of your eyes, is like trying to swallow multiple pre-natal vitamins at once!     What are your thoughts? 

Peace,
CocoaMommy

What I Hate about Divorce—Lies, Lies and more Lies!

I normally write about my thoughts, ideas and general mommy stuff.  Tonight I felt the need to get some stuff off my chest so here it goes……..What I hate about divorce…This has been a trying year to say the least but what I hate and despise the most are the lies that one person can create to make themselves look good.  Should I care? No because those on the other end must be missing brain cells to entertain constant nonsense!  My question is why the constant lying? If your new life is so sweet, why is all of the deception and manipulation necessary?   Do you need a scapegoat? because of your worthless behavior.   My suggestion – find another one!   In my mind the only reason for generating lies is to somehow make yourself look great!  If you’re a raggedy spouse so be it but at least you could step up as a father.  You want to paint a picture of me that shows you’re excluded from the lives of your children, really?  There is a custody agreement with visitation mandated and you chose to stop picking up your children “just because”, who needs your sick drama?   You leave your kids unsupervised and the kicker is the babysitting gig so you can go to a party, that makes for a fit parent.  Dumb and Dumber is all I can say on that note.   Oh and word on the street is that you pay child support, I guess it keeps missing my mailbox!  The courts can’t even garnish wages from someone who shows up in court without W2s or chooses to bring only one, really?    Just recognize when you book your next trip out of the country, buy another pair of Gucci flip flops, the next generation Ipad– your children still need to eat, require clothes and shoes, incidentals,  and extracurricular activities.  Oh and I can’t forget the tuition that is paid every month who needs your drama?   Also the level of disrespect for the mother of your children has exceeded realistic limits and the nasty text messages with acronyms were real classy and mature.   What I say is get a life!  Who needs your drama!  If you are ready to move on why block the sale of a house you can’t afford? Sale of house = D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

What I have learned real quick is a real man doesn’t need to run his mouth to justify who he is!  A real man knows what his children need and provides for them over and beyond.  What they don’t need is a parent who makes other people(and their drama) a priority or false promises.  Children need love and consistency!    You make it so easy to dislike the skin you’re in and no real man do you represent!  Who needs your drama?—– We don’t! Toast to a new beginning without drama!

Health: Asthma & African Americans Tips For Parents With Asthmatic Children

Both of my children were diagnosed with asthma. My little man has outgrown his asthma although I look for signs of the condition recurring especially when the seasons change.
For my little princess I was a little more persistent with her pediatrician when I concluded the prescribed regimen was not effective. I asked our pediatrician to refer an allergist because I was convinced my little princess’ congestion was being triggered by something in our home or outside of the home. The allergist conducted an allergy skin test for a variety of environmental triggers. The skin test was negative for all the environmental triggers . The allergist concluded her asthma was triggered whenever she experienced cold symptoms. One of the recommendations he made was to discontinue using the nebulizer for her daily treatments and switch to an inhaler spacer. The spacer was very effective in administering her medication and within weeks I saw improvement. It has been a year and a half under the allergist’s care and she is doing very well. I am happy I took the initiative to ask her pediatrician to refer us to a specialist.
In an effort to reduce the triggers in our home, I avoid using sprays such as air fresheners, carpet deodorizers, perfumes and minimize stuffed animals in bed. Also avoid any environments where there is second hand smoke. The ideal situation is to remove the carpet but for right now it is cost-prohibitive. We did invest in a vacuum cleaner with a high suction power to minimize the dirt and dust with the carpet.
The below gives great tips on controlling your child’s asthma: