JenOni

Single Mom Chronicles

Open Letter to My Kids About Divorce and Life Moving Forward

Open Letter to My Kids on Divorce and Life Moving Forward

I felt compelled to write an open letter to my kids on divorce after viewing a program.   This weekend I was truly a couch potato and managed to watch Being, Jasmine Guy on Centric.   It really hit home when she talked about going through her divorce and having to explain the situation to her then 8-year-old daughter.   Jasmine moved to another state, which meant displacing her child.    This hit a nerve with me because it was a decision I agonized over doing at the time.    As Jasmine said(referring to divorce),  “Our story is their story”.   Her daughter talked about leaving her friends and not making it easy for her mother.   Today her daughter realizes why her mother made specific decisions and felt bad with giving her mother a hard time.

As a mother,  it pains you to disrupt what your kids know as home and the life in their neighborhood with their friends.   My son was almost ten when I decided to move out and my daughter was almost four years old.    It is difficult to explain adult decisions to kids, however, I hope one day they will understand the “why” behind my decisions.

Open Letter……

I would like you to know that my decisions were always in your best interest and not for my own selfish reasons.  As a mother, I always want the best for you even if this means uprooting to create a better life.  Although, parenting is without a handbook I feel it is my duty to always provide an environment that is functional versus dysfunctional.   I want, to always be honest,  and not deceive you with empty words or promises.   The reality of divorce is not always with a silver lining.   One lesson I have learned is not to invite less than what I know deserve into our lives.  From this lesson,   I hope always set high standards for yourselves and never settle for less.  You deserve the best in everything you do.  I am tough because I want you both to stay focused and strive for more than my achievements.   I wish I could promise you that life will come without challenges but this would be untrue.   The lesson to learn is that despite life’s challenges we find a way to prevail.  This journey is one of many lessons, challenges, and experiences.  My wish is that you use our journey to shape and define your footprint in the world.

 

 

Goals in the New Year, No Resolutions in the New Year

Goals for New Year

 

Goals for New Year

I never believed in creating resolutions, however, a new year is an opportunity to set new goals for myself.   In the last twelve months, I realize there are still areas of improvement for me to get closer to my financial goals.  Health & Fitness are important for me to

Health & Fitness – Taking Care of My Temple December was eye-opening for me in terms of taking care of my internal temple.  My lean physique is misleading in terms of being healthy.  I  learned after my preventative office visit and blood work that my internal health is driven not only by exercise but also my diet.   For so many years, I believed reducing certain foods was enough.   This is only half of the challenge.   My diet was missing foods with the right nutrients.  I will admit the week of Christmas is a week of overindulging.   Christmas brings baking cookies with lots of butter, sugar and all the other foods I normally avoid during the year like homemade buttermilk pancakes.   Regardless, it was a wake-up call to increase my fruits and vegetables, reduce sugary foods and saturated fats.  Now I am taking Vitamin D and B12 vitamins for the 4-6 weeks.  Also adding fish oil at meal time once a day.   I’m excited to be on track for healthier living.  In addition to my annual OB/GYN and mammogram, I realize how important it is to have a yearly physical.

Finances/Building Credit/Investing –  Managing finances has been a challenge for the past 7 years.   Unemployment and divorce are hurdles that take years to overcome.   I wish there was a quick switch but it takes to time to rebuild. One mistake was paying a company to assist with credit building.  After a year and a half of wasting money, I decided to take matters into my own hands.   The first step was reviewing copies of my credit report and devising a plan to try and pay off creditors.  For new debt, being very consistent with paying on time.   The benefit of before-tax payroll deductions is another way to invest and save money as a way to reach financial goals.   A plan to create additional streams of income is a work in progress.

Self-Care –  In 2016,  I spent a few days enjoying time for myself.   I tried classes at a new yoga studio and finally a chance to try a Soul Cycle class.   One thing I missed doing is scheduling the time to really relax.  I found my time off from work being filled with running errands or school commitments.   A spa day or half-day is long overdue.   This is the year when I have to be adamant about not accommodating the schedules of others.

Travel – Scheduling economic ways to enjoy travel.   Finding a travel agent to book an end of the year trip.  Stay tuned.

Single Mom Chronicles: Review-Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice

 

Tiffany Mack’s ebook: Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice

I love connecting with single moms across social media. Who knew listening to a scope titled Black Girls Golf would lead me to Tiffany Mack’s ebook Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice.

It was such a great read I had to share with my single moms.   It is Tiffany’s viewpoint on the difference between a single mother and single parent.    She too is a divorced mom which she states being a single mom equates to your marital status, Single and a Mother.   While being a single parent is by choice.   Personally I find it difficult to ask for help if it is someone outside of family or close friends.      One important fact that Tiffany points out is to wisely select those in our community at large to assist with parenting our children.

Five Things I Learned:

  1. Commit to creating a village for my children.
  2. Set boundaries with my children and provide explanations.
  3. Be honest with my children, the discussions should be age appropriate.  They know and understand more than we think.
  4. Be honest with others in terms of my needs, allow others to pitch in.  This is only possible if others know what you need.
  5. Acknowledge I am not superwoman, take time to decompress!

To read some wonderful words of wisdom,  check out the ebook Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice :Strategies from a Single-Mom Who Never Became A Single-Parent at  TiffanyMack.

Middle Age and Divorce

 

Middle Age and Divorcing

Being middle aged and divorcing is not an insurmountable hurdle.   I will say divorcing over the age of 40 felt odd.  The age of 40 is a milestone and most celebrate in a big way to mark the occasion.  Shortly, after turning 40 I was separated and moved.   If I had a crystal ball, I envisioned turning 40 to be a pivotal time in terms of career, finances, parenting, etc.  I spent a few wonderful days in Miami to celebrate my 40th.  Who spends a milestone birthday without their spouse?  This was a clear sign of the downward spiral of a crumbling marriage.   Honestly, this was really only masking the inevitable of returning home to a broken marriage.

The most excruciating part of the process was planning our next steps. My planning was about making all decisions in the best interest of three vs. one.     One thing I learned is that not all decisions are warmly received by children.  Children learn very quickly how to adapt to change.  While change is easy for some adults how to plan out my next year let alone years was easier said than done.  Unfortunately, we cannot predict the behavior of other people and as much as we strive to make changes stress-free there are no guarantees.

I really think divorce is hard at any age, however, entering your forties while divorcing feels like an oxymoron.   The forties should be a time of feeling empowered, being unapologetically self-confident and owning your voice.

What I have witnessed in real life is mind boggling.   I am really irked with the assumption that being divorced means you’re lonely, miserable and desperate.   For some reason, I find that having the status of single insinuates that you’re looking.  I remember the question posed “so you want to start over at 40?”.   Now thinking back the question was asked not out of concern but selfishness.   I have learned that some adults are utterly afraid of change and will live days, months and years filled with unhappiness.    Fear is a deterrent for progression.   I had to really listen to myself on how I wanted the next chapters to unfold.    As a friend told me “we” (women) change and “they” (men) do not.   The fear of complacency and living the next chapters unhappy was more than enough to leave.

It was 3 and a half years after leaving my home that I had the momentum to move forward with mapping out our lives.   Change inevitably takes time and I wish I could say there are no challenges and everything is easy but that would be a lie.   I knew what I wanted for myself was far greater than what anyone else could envision for me.   The desire to live in peace should never be compromised.   We owe it to ourselves to live a life that is filled with peace.   If  I had to do it all over again there is not one thing I would change.   Well, there is one thing and that is deciding to leave sooner than later and minimizing the instability for the kids.

Experience is truly the best teacher.   I know now that I have to set standards for all elements of my life.  There is no room for mediocrity or accepting what others think is right for me.  My next chapters have to be on my terms!

The Financial Impact of My Divorce

 

Financial Impact

One thing I know for sure is my divorce took a toll on my finances!!!!  This feels like an understatement as I look over the course of events from separation to divorce.    I decided to move out of my marital property and I knew there was the risk of not reaching a mutual agreement to sell the property.      In 2008, a year before I lost my job in addition to marital issues I could see the finances spiraling out of control.      Shame on us for not having a financial cushion to cover any unexpected events.    In 2009 while I was still living in my marital home I was laid off from my job.    Although I qualified for unemployment  I made the mistake of using my 401k to keep the household afloat.   Wow if only I could kick myself for this act of foolishness!

After I moved out of my marital property the house slowly crept into default status.   I remember at the closing of my 1st house someone saying YOU PAY, YOU STAY!!!   Despite my efforts in putting the house on the market, it went to the LEFT!     The options for the property were to sell, refinance the property or apply for assistance to save the property.   I desperately wanted to make this a win-win situation, however, I believed selling the property and breaking even was the most logical.      When the bank learned the house was no longer occupied they moved in to foreclose on the property.   It took almost 3 years for the bank to foreclose which is a clear LESSON there were OPTIONS available.   As the saying goes at this point, NO SENSE IN CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK!

What I learned from this lesson is real world decisions are extremely challenging when there is a constant tug of war!  Logic and being rational go out the window!!!!    Here I am with two kids moving into my mother’s home and still unemployed.   I was unemployed for 2 years and 2 months before I secured a new position.   Cartwheels in my head!!!and shouting from the rooftop!!!! I felt like a weight had been lifted.    As you can imagine two years of no income, separated, marital property in default, bills piling up and I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.   The plus side – I did not have rent or a mortgage although I had my car payment.   I used my new job’s 401k to build my nest egg back up.    For anyone who has used an attorney for their divorce the legal fees(I will cover in another post) add up significantly.

My divorce became final 2 years and 7 months after I moved out of my marital property.  This was yet another weight lifted as I had closed another chapter.     Now it was time to deal with the financial aftermath!!!   It felt overwhelming just to open my mail because of the letters and phone calls from creditors.   I literally chose to ignore the creditors and focus on providing my children with what they needed specifically their education.   After consulting with a financial advisor I contemplated filing for bankruptcy.  Can I tell you how happy I am with not proceeding with this decision?

Now I fast forward two years and I am in a new job making more money and able to secure an apartment for us.   Despite my credit issues, I was able to get approved for the apartment, this taught me that in a lot of cases people are really willing to help your drive and ambition.   In some cases, landlords will take a higher down payment or allow a cosigner for the lease.    Just remember do not lose hope if we do not ask you  shall never receive.   When I came to look at my apartment the property manager told me I will do whatever I can to make this work you.    I had never met this gentleman(property manager) our only modes of communication were via email or by phone.    This was clear sign that we have to believe in ourselves each and every day.  We are capable and worthy of living a life that is fulfilling!

Two months ago my job was eliminated so back to the drawing board of finding full-time employment.    My rent was paid in full for the month of June.     In order to say ahead, I pulled money out of my 403K to pay the next two months of rent.   I call this an interim break for me to get my FINANCIAL AND PERSONAL HOUSE in order.    My financial house in terms of debt elimination, credit restoration, savings, and retirement.   Once I secure a position I will be ready to funnel my money into the right channels.  You have to be extremely PROACTIVE in getting your financial house in order.   I started with sending my creditors certified letters to cease and desist any form of communication.    Granted I know this does not relieve me of owing the debt but I feel it does  eliminate the stress of my phone ringing with random numbers.

As a single mom, it is vital that we have a plan b, c, d, e and on and on.   When one door is SLAMMED open the next door and see what lies ahead.   There are a lot of factors associated with why we have to make certain decisions. For example, I moved into an apartment because I wanted to move to a better school district for my kids.    Fortunately, for me, I was able to find a 3 bedroom apartment in a safe neighborhood and excellent school district.   The apartment building only has one utility bill, water and heat are included.   For this area, this was like hitting a jackpot of rental properties.   While I understand that home ownership is the best investment.    I know for me now is not the best time especially with a foreclosure on my credit report.    I am not opposed to owning real estate at a later date because it is a great investment.   Owning a home is hands down a great experience however it comes with a lot of financial responsibility and not just the mortgage payment.   There are additional expenses associated such as homeowners insurance, real estate taxes, utilities, and maintenance/repairs.    Also having job security or job stability is a necessity but not a guarantee.    As a single mom, I will always be the primary breadwinner for me and my kids.     I firmly believe that you must have a financial cushion before you even elect to purchase a home, especially as a single mom.   My long-term plan is to establish other viable streams of income beyond my day job.

Another mistake I made was securing a company to help with improving my credit score.   Initially, I thought this was a great way to help me but after losing my last job I canceled the membership.    In 2011, I paid $99 per month to have the company “clean up my credit”.  Well, it was not a great decision.    Just imagine how many creditors I could have paid with $1,200.   When I contacted the company to cancel my account, of course, I was sold on maintaining an account for half of the price.  Duped again,  I paid $49/month for 12 months.  Let’s do the math that was another $600 to pay off some debt.      The bottom line is these companies have verification of debt form letters they send out in postage paid envelopes to creditors.   Guess what? You can do this for yourself-FREE!!!    There is no way this company can assist in increasing  without me paying down some of my debt.    They were able to have two aged items.  Guess what? You can do the same thing upon request and did I mention for FREE!!!   The overall lesson is education yourself on your credit report by checking it periodically if you have concerns, know your rights,  dispute any inaccuracies and update incorrect information.

My biggest challenge is using my salary to my advantage in terms of establishing a budget, saving at least 6-8 months of salary, and saving for retirement.   One thing I have instituted with my kids is the want vs. need factor.    If you need it then we purchase if not it stays in the store!!!  It is difficult to say NO but my kids need a gauge.   I have been a bit too liberal with my kids in the past year, unfortunately, the buck stops here.   Our rent, food, utilities and necessities are  PRIORITIES.

Here are some of the steps I’m taking to start the process of CLEANING MY FINANCIAL HOUSE:

  1. reviewing my credit report to determine accuracy via a free secured site (used ScoreSense.com).   The site offers a 10-day free trial and then a monthly subscription for $39.95 per month.  You are free to cancel.    From the site’s dispute center I was able to include a  consumer statement on each report to explain delinquency.    I also uploaded the documents to update some inaccurate personal information.
  2. total the amount that is actually owed, the age of debt, determine what can be paid (some amounts  on there are extremely small amounts) ~>$50,000 (which includes my last student loan).  Also have to include my lawyer fees of $13,000
  3. to alleviate the stress of creditors communicating with me~ I sent cease and desist letters. NOTE this does not relieve the debt.
  4. Working with Kara at TheFrugalFeminista  to assist with a plan for how to budget, debt elimination, and establishing additional revenue streams, savings, and retirement.  Also, determine what happens with the foreclosure listed on credit report after 7 years.  (my mortgage went into default status in 2010)

My teen will be in college in 4 years and my eight-year-old  in 10 years.    I am planning and praying for financial aid,  scholarships and possibly student loans(worst case scenario) we can fund their educations.   If I money is available after debt elimination opening up 529 accounts is another funding source.

I have learned first hand it is not logical to rely on one revenue stream.  It is extremely critical to establish additional revenue streams to get closer to my financial goals.

The Irony of Infidelity – Is The Grass Greener?

parentThe irony of infidelity.  Experience is the best teacher!  From my window, infidelity covers an entire library.   If you are married and choose to be unfaithful, Own Your BS!  Once the messiness is exposed, it should feel like a weight is lifted.

I see it as an irony because as many have learned “the grass is not always greener” on the other side!  Some of my thoughts and what I failed to understand after living beyond this foolishness.

  1.  Why bother to explain your actions? I found one lie only led to another and another.  The reality is of incessant lying is the lies are dumber and dumber.  My advice, Own Your BS!
  2.  Why throw the other part under a couple of buses?  When you make choices with detrimental consequences,  by all means,  Own Your BS!
  3. If you are now with THE ONE,  Own Your BS!
  4. Speaking ill of the other party makes absolutely no sense, own Your BS!
  5. Please, Please stop acting like a victim!  Own Your BS!
  6. Do not assume all individuals support messiness and will work it out, Own Your BS!
  7. Spend more time getting your life in order and less time worrying about the other party, Own Your BS!
  8. Save the condescending remarks and malicious insults, Own Your BS!
  9. If it’s years later  you are still spewing venom for the other party maybe it’s time to look in the mirror and Own Your BS!
  10. Wallow in that grass and Own Your BS!

 

How You Parent is a Sacrifice and Unconditional Love

parentTHE REALITY OF  BEING A PARENT, MOTHERHOOD

What defines being a parent? The reality of being a mom hit me the day after I gave birth.  While I understand this may differ from person to person.   I chose to have natural childbirths with no drugs and left in awe of my  physical strength.   The pain endured is difficult to put into words because I literally forgot moments later.   I remembered arriving home with a newborn and feeling overwhelmed with finding time to do the basics while trying to care for my newborn.   After a few days of motherhood,  I learned how to feed my newborn even when my body was beyond exhausted. Also,  I  learned how to schedule a quick shower and find a way to sneak in enough food to give me a snippet of energy.   As a new mother,  I mastered how to get myself dressed, a newborn fed, diaper changed and clothed to leave the house.   This sounds simple but it is a major achievement.

 PARENT

The lessons I learned:

  1. It is not a part-time job
  2. Parenting is 365 days a year, 7 days, 24 hours
  3. Sleepless nights are REAL
  4. I  wear many hats
  5. There is no such word or place as privacy or private
  6. Spending quality time is a must
  7. Being a disciplinarian is not an easy job
  8. Advocating is a worthwhile effort
  9. It is not always easy
  10.  Spending time by myself is a MUST

 

BEING A PARENT IS NOT A PART-TIME JOB

What irritates me most is the idea PARENTING is scheduled and a part-time job.  It  is not a job with the same benefits provided from your livelihood.  PARENTING has no sick time, vacation time or days off.   I see no time in which you get to schedule hours sitting in an ER, consoling my children at the pediatrician’s office during immunizations, waking up in the middle of the night when my child cannot sleep, cleaning up unsightly fluids when sick, being there for activities and the list goes on and on.

PARENTING involves sacrificing myself beyond any realm of understanding.  It is not for the faint of heart, selfish, manipulative or narcissistic.    I know it means consistently giving unconditional love  and not choosing to participate when convenient.   PARENTING is not scheduling when convenient.

Divorcing, Married but Living Single?

 

Divorcing?

Divorcing is a major undertaking and can be an extreme emotional roller coaster.   However, if a person is a married person but living as a single person I see no options.

Social Media Story

After reading a story on Facebook, I am baffled on how there is some twisted competition between a wife and the other woman(“girlfriend”).   A local newspaper published two different obituaries,  one from the wife and the other from the “girlfriend”.     For the life of me,  I can’t comprehend how a husband is another woman’s boyfriend.  This supports the new term “married and single”.   It seems the entire institution has become an absolute JOKE.   The story unfolds with the man living with his “girlfriend” and no divorce.   Aside from the disgust of the story,  the comments associated with the story were shocking, to say the least.

My Perspective

As I unravel this debacle based on  my own perspective and experience, there are a few things that come to my mind:

  1.  I see no glory in holding on to someone who has obviously moved on with someone else.
  2.  Why stay connected to a person who has no respect, standards or decency for you as a person?
  3.  If you are married and living single, divorce is available if you want it.  There are options!  I took a day off to spend it in a  law library to file some remaining documents to move my divorce further along.   I clearly wanted out of what was a mockery of the institution.   My family law attorney was more than capable, however, legal fees are extremely costly.   Also when good lawyers file they try to gain as much for you as possible.   In my situation, it was not worth the stress and headache to try to negotiate with ignorance.
  4. A cheating spouse is not a consolation prize in anyone’s “Craker Jack” box.
  5. I will never understand why some relish in making this entire process utterly miserable when you have chosen to move on with another person.
  6. The wife has all rights in terms of legality which clearly means SAID GIRLFRIEND gets nothing!

I see no competition living a life of dysfunction.   Personally, I find more peace living a life that is void of toxic people and situations.

 

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Is it a Race to be Happy?

Diary of a Divorced CocoaMommy Resized

Happy Is My Story!

What is Happy?  The best part of the Wendy Williams show is her HOT TOPICS SEGMENT.  On Monday, she covers all the big headlines in pop culture from the weekend.     Well if you’re like me you either heard or, at least, saw Mariah Carey’s 35 carat engagement ring!!!! I believe the ring is valued at well over $7 million (hold it, pausing to count how I could invest that amount of money, I digress).  If you missed the ring of all celebrity rings I have shared below.   Now let’s get  pass the size and value of her new BLING!

 I am all for women finding love again and being happy after going through a separation and divorce.   However,  I wrestle with how you can honestly celebrate an engagement if you’re both still married.   It made me pause to say HOLD UP!!!

via GIPHY

After Wendy divulged the fact both she and her boyfriend are still married her next comment made me scratch my head.   She said I know there’s a race to be happy before your EX……..

I obviously missed this memo.  This year marks 3 years since my divorce papers were received in the mail.   Personally, I was so elated to close those chapters in my life I never thought twice about what my EX was doing or planning to do.    I had far too much planning of my own to care about rather than any race with the EX.

Now I will admit to a LOT of GROWTH and DEVELOPMENT from my separation to officially being DIVORCED!   As they say, hindsight is 20/20,  I would stand in lines to rewind and rewrite some of my decisions.    The only  race you should be in while divorcing is putting 100% of your  FOCUS on YOURSELF.   I uncovered some tough lessons  about myself, others and relationships along the way.   While I cannot change others I learned I had to change my behavior and choices to be HAPPY.    The one piece of advice I can offer up is to spend time finding YOUR HAPPY.    In the past six years, I went from being separated to officially divorced, I learned a ton of invaluable LESSONS.  We’re all HUMAN and we will make mistakes.  The key to learning  is not repeating the same mistakes.

HappyLife

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED

  1. Spend at least a YEAR carving out what you NEED for YOUR HAPPY.  Do not rush into another relationship!  When the timing is right all of these things will fall into place.
  2. Put your HOUSE in order in terms of your career, finances,  create a timeline of  short term and long term goals for yourself and your child(ren).
  3. Create a strong SUPPORT network of like-minded friends.   There will be times when you need a break, a time to vent and a reason to get away for some adult fun.
  4. Find what you LIKE, LOVE and are PASSIONATE about and DO IT!
  5. Remember your MENTAL and PHYSICAL well-being is determined by your behavior and the choices you make.  Each day should be centered on  YOUR HAPPY!