I love connecting with single moms across social media. Who knew listening to a scope titled Black Girls Golf would lead me to Tiffany Mack’s ebook Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice.
It was such a great read I had to share with my single moms. It is Tiffany’s viewpoint on the difference between a single mother and single parent. She too is a divorced mom which she states being a single mom equates to your marital status, Single and a Mother. While being a single parent is by choice. Personally I find it difficult to ask for help if it is someone outside of family or close friends. One important fact that Tiffany points out is to wisely select those in our community at large to assist with parenting our children.
To read some wonderful words of wisdom, check out the ebook Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice :Strategies from a Single-Mom Who Never Became A Single-Parent at TiffanyMack.
Being middle aged and divorcing is not an insurmountable hurdle. I will say divorcing over the age of 40 felt odd. The age of 40 is a milestone and most celebrate in a big way to mark the occasion. Shortly, after turning 40 I was separated and moved. If I had a crystal ball, I envisioned turning 40 to be a pivotal time in terms of career, finances, parenting, etc. I spent a few wonderful days in Miami to celebrate my 40th. Who spends a milestone birthday without their spouse? This was a clear sign of the downward spiral of a crumbling marriage. Honestly, this was really only masking the inevitable of returning home to a broken marriage.
The most excruciating part of the process was planning our next steps. My planning was about making all decisions in the best interest of three vs. one. One thing I learned is that not all decisions are warmly received by children. Children learn very quickly how to adapt to change. While change is easy for some adults how to plan out my next year let alone years was easier said than done. Unfortunately, we cannot predict the behavior of other people and as much as we strive to make changes stress-free there are no guarantees.
I really think divorce is hard at any age, however, entering your forties while divorcing feels like an oxymoron. The forties should be a time of feeling empowered, being unapologetically self-confident and owning your voice.
What I have witnessed in real life is mind boggling. I am really irked with the assumption that being divorced means you’re lonely, miserable and desperate. For some reason, I find that having the status of single insinuates that you’re looking. I remember the question posed “so you want to start over at 40?”. Now thinking back the question was asked not out of concern but selfishness. I have learned that some adults are utterly afraid of change and will live days, months and years filled with unhappiness. Fear is a deterrent for progression. I had to really listen to myself on how I wanted the next chapters to unfold. As a friend told me “we” (women) change and “they” (men) do not. The fear of complacency and living the next chapters unhappy was more than enough to leave.
It was 3 and a half years after leaving my home that I had the momentum to move forward with mapping out our lives. Change inevitably takes time and I wish I could say there are no challenges and everything is easy but that would be a lie. I knew what I wanted for myself was far greater than what anyone else could envision for me. The desire to live in peace should never be compromised. We owe it to ourselves to live a life that is filled with peace. If I had to do it all over again there is not one thing I would change. Well, there is one thing and that is deciding to leave sooner than later and minimizing the instability for the kids.
Experience is truly the best teacher. I know now that I have to set standards for all elements of my life. There is no room for mediocrity or accepting what others think is right for me. My next chapters have to be on my terms!
One thing I know for sure is my divorce took a toll on my finances!!!! This feels like an understatement as I look over the course of events from separation to divorce. I decided to move out of my marital property and I knew there was the risk of not reaching a mutual agreement to sell the property. In 2008, a year before I lost my job in addition to marital issues I could see the finances spiraling out of control. Shame on us for not having a financial cushion to cover any unexpected events. In 2009 while I was still living in my marital home I was laid off from my job. Although I qualified for unemployment I made the mistake of using my 401k to keep the household afloat. Wow if only I could kick myself for this act of foolishness!
After I moved out of my marital property the house slowly crept into default status. I remember at the closing of my 1st house someone saying YOU PAY, YOU STAY!!! Despite my efforts in putting the house on the market, it went to the LEFT! The options for the property were to sell, refinance the property or apply for assistance to save the property. I desperately wanted to make this a win-win situation, however, I believed selling the property and breaking even was the most logical. When the bank learned the house was no longer occupied they moved in to foreclose on the property. It took almost 3 years for the bank to foreclose which is a clear LESSON there were OPTIONS available. As the saying goes at this point, NO SENSE IN CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK!
What I learned from this lesson is real world decisions are extremely challenging when there is a constant tug of war! Logic and being rational go out the window!!!! Here I am with two kids moving into my mother’s home and still unemployed. I was unemployed for 2 years and 2 months before I secured a new position. Cartwheels in my head!!!and shouting from the rooftop!!!! I felt like a weight had been lifted. As you can imagine two years of no income, separated, marital property in default, bills piling up and I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. The plus side – I did not have rent or a mortgage although I had my car payment. I used my new job’s 401k to build my nest egg back up. For anyone who has used an attorney for their divorce the legal fees(I will cover in another post) add up significantly.
My divorce became final 2 years and 7 months after I moved out of my marital property. This was yet another weight lifted as I had closed another chapter. Now it was time to deal with the financial aftermath!!! It felt overwhelming just to open my mail because of the letters and phone calls from creditors. I literally chose to ignore the creditors and focus on providing my children with what they needed specifically their education. After consulting with a financial advisor I contemplated filing for bankruptcy. Can I tell you how happy I am with not proceeding with this decision?
Now I fast forward two years and I am in a new job making more money and able to secure an apartment for us. Despite my credit issues, I was able to get approved for the apartment, this taught me that in a lot of cases people are really willing to help your drive and ambition. In some cases, landlords will take a higher down payment or allow a cosigner for the lease. Just remember do not lose hope if we do not ask you shall never receive. When I came to look at my apartment the property manager told me I will do whatever I can to make this work you. I had never met this gentleman(property manager) our only modes of communication were via email or by phone. This was clear sign that we have to believe in ourselves each and every day. We are capable and worthy of living a life that is fulfilling!
Two months ago my job was eliminated so back to the drawing board of finding full-time employment. My rent was paid in full for the month of June. In order to say ahead, I pulled money out of my 403K to pay the next two months of rent. I call this an interim break for me to get my FINANCIAL AND PERSONAL HOUSE in order. My financial house in terms of debt elimination, credit restoration, savings, and retirement. Once I secure a position I will be ready to funnel my money into the right channels. You have to be extremely PROACTIVE in getting your financial house in order. I started with sending my creditors certified letters to cease and desist any form of communication. Granted I know this does not relieve me of owing the debt but I feel it does eliminate the stress of my phone ringing with random numbers.
As a single mom, it is vital that we have a plan b, c, d, e and on and on. When one door is SLAMMED open the next door and see what lies ahead. There are a lot of factors associated with why we have to make certain decisions. For example, I moved into an apartment because I wanted to move to a better school district for my kids. Fortunately, for me, I was able to find a 3 bedroom apartment in a safe neighborhood and excellent school district. The apartment building only has one utility bill, water and heat are included. For this area, this was like hitting a jackpot of rental properties. While I understand that home ownership is the best investment. I know for me now is not the best time especially with a foreclosure on my credit report. I am not opposed to owning real estate at a later date because it is a great investment. Owning a home is hands down a great experience however it comes with a lot of financial responsibility and not just the mortgage payment. There are additional expenses associated such as homeowners insurance, real estate taxes, utilities, and maintenance/repairs. Also having job security or job stability is a necessity but not a guarantee. As a single mom, I will always be the primary breadwinner for me and my kids. I firmly believe that you must have a financial cushion before you even elect to purchase a home, especially as a single mom. My long-term plan is to establish other viable streams of income beyond my day job.
Another mistake I made was securing a company to help with improving my credit score. Initially, I thought this was a great way to help me but after losing my last job I canceled the membership. In 2011, I paid $99 per month to have the company “clean up my credit”. Well, it was not a great decision. Just imagine how many creditors I could have paid with $1,200. When I contacted the company to cancel my account, of course, I was sold on maintaining an account for half of the price. Duped again, I paid $49/month for 12 months. Let’s do the math that was another $600 to pay off some debt. The bottom line is these companies have verification of debt form letters they send out in postage paid envelopes to creditors. Guess what? You can do this for yourself-FREE!!! There is no way this company can assist in increasing without me paying down some of my debt. They were able to have two aged items. Guess what? You can do the same thing upon request and did I mention for FREE!!! The overall lesson is education yourself on your credit report by checking it periodically if you have concerns, know your rights, dispute any inaccuracies and update incorrect information.
My biggest challenge is using my salary to my advantage in terms of establishing a budget, saving at least 6-8 months of salary, and saving for retirement. One thing I have instituted with my kids is the want vs. need factor. If you need it then we purchase if not it stays in the store!!! It is difficult to say NO but my kids need a gauge. I have been a bit too liberal with my kids in the past year, unfortunately, the buck stops here. Our rent, food, utilities and necessities are PRIORITIES.
Here are some of the steps I’m taking to start the process of CLEANING MY FINANCIAL HOUSE:
My teen will be in college in 4 years and my eight-year-old in 10 years. I am planning and praying for financial aid, scholarships and possibly student loans(worst case scenario) we can fund their educations. If I money is available after debt elimination opening up 529 accounts is another funding source.
I have learned first hand it is not logical to rely on one revenue stream. It is extremely critical to establish additional revenue streams to get closer to my financial goals.
The irony of infidelity. Experience is the best teacher! From my window, infidelity covers an entire library. If you are married and choose to be unfaithful, Own Your BS! Once the messiness is exposed, it should feel like a weight is lifted.
I see it as an irony because as many have learned “the grass is not always greener” on the other side! Some of my thoughts and what I failed to understand after living beyond this foolishness.
THE REALITY OF BEING A PARENT, MOTHERHOODWhat defines being a parent? The reality of being a mom hit me the day after I gave birth. While I understand this may differ from person to person. I chose to have natural childbirths with no drugs and left in awe of my physical strength. The pain endured is difficult to put into words because I literally forgot moments later. I remembered arriving home with a newborn and feeling overwhelmed with finding time to do the basics while trying to care for my newborn. After a few days of motherhood, I learned how to feed my newborn even when my body was beyond exhausted. Also, I learned how to schedule a quick shower and find a way to sneak in enough food to give me a snippet of energy. As a new mother, I mastered how to get myself dressed, a newborn fed, diaper changed and clothed to leave the house. This sounds simple but it is a major achievement.
The lessons I learned:
What irritates me most is the idea PARENTING is scheduled and a part-time job. It is not a job with the same benefits provided from your livelihood. PARENTING has no sick time, vacation time or days off. I see no time in which you get to schedule hours sitting in an ER, consoling my children at the pediatrician’s office during immunizations, waking up in the middle of the night when my child cannot sleep, cleaning up unsightly fluids when sick, being there for activities and the list goes on and on.
PARENTING involves sacrificing myself beyond any realm of understanding. It is not for the faint of heart, selfish, manipulative or narcissistic. I know it means consistently giving unconditional love and not choosing to participate when convenient. PARENTING is not scheduling when convenient.
Divorcing is a major undertaking and can be an extreme emotional roller coaster. However, if a person is a married person but living as a single person I see no options.
After reading a story on Facebook, I am baffled on how there is some twisted competition between a wife and the other woman(“girlfriend”). A local newspaper published two different obituaries, one from the wife and the other from the “girlfriend”. For the life of me, I can’t comprehend how a husband is another woman’s boyfriend. This supports the new term “married and single”. It seems the entire institution has become an absolute JOKE. The story unfolds with the man living with his “girlfriend” and no divorce. Aside from the disgust of the story, the comments associated with the story were shocking, to say the least.
As I unravel this debacle based on my own perspective and experience, there are a few things that come to my mind:
I see no competition living a life of dysfunction. Personally, I find more peace living a life that is void of toxic people and situations.
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My biggest regret during my divorce was displacing my kids. I thought it was best for a fresh start however I never realized it was so difficult for my kids. When my son was born we were in our first house until he was five years old. It was the only house he knew and he was just starting to make friends on our street. Nine months before my daughter was born we purchased another house in a different neighborhood. For my son, this was his second house and the house my daughter was in until she was two. My son was excited to be in a new school and a new neighborhood with more kids. We lived there four years before we moved out. It was a move out in every aspect of the word. I scheduled a moving truck, packed dishes, books, china, and everything else I wanted to keep in storage. I decided I would leave some furniture in the house, that was only fair or at least, I thought so at the time. It was important to empty the kid’s bedrooms so when we did move it would feel familiar to them to have everything that was in their old rooms. My daughter was still in daycare so for her the transition was different as she just moved to another preschool and eventually to a full-time daycare center until she started kindergarten. Fortunately, I was able to get my son in a charter school which ended after a year and a half of constant stress and multiple behavioral issues. Unfortunately, for my son, he moved to the neighborhood public grade school which was filled with constant fights and more behavioral issues. After a year and a half, he was in seventh grade and at the local Catholic grade school with his sister. This level of instability was a major culprit for my son’s behavioral issues which is why I started taking him to a therapist. Divorce can be extremely challenging with children especially if they are old enough to understand the dynamics. For my son, moving was the worst interruption of his life and now after six years, he is still a bit resentful. After six years, he feels his life was turned upside down and he had no control over the decisions. If there was a way to rewrite the script I would have minimized the transition for the kids. However, stable finances at the time were nonexistent so it prevented us from moving into our own place.
Now as I fast forward five years, we were near our old neighborhood and of course, the kids wanted to drive by our old house. I literally forgot how to get to the road we lived on after all of these years. It was obviously a mental block. I was so adamant about not going to the old house. I knew at the time the house was for sale so it was still empty. For the life of me, I didn’t understand why the kids wanted a reminder of our past. Finally, I decided to get it out of their systems and drive over to the street. It was an eery feeling driving through the entrance. The house was still for sale and the kids jumped out to walk around the house. I could see the excitement on my son’s face as well as the sadness. The next question, “can we buy our house”? I quickly let them know it was not possible to purchase our old house and tried my best to explain if we are meant to have another “home” we will at some point. Although, I had obviously moved on from our “old house” my kids were still stuck in our past. It is unfortunate we cannot predict the emotional state of our kids during a divorce.
When adults move on it is gradual but I found a way to push through it day by day. I know now that kids are not as resilient when it comes to giving up their normal. They store memories of the familiar in a file and this is what they remember and hold on to for a long time. I know first hand it is extremely difficult to remove memories for kids. My kids will always hold a piece of our old neighborhood close to their hearts. Whereas, for me, it just reminds me of feeling alone and isolated. Definitely, not a haven we typically call “home”.
The best outcome in these situations is to keep as much normal as possible for kids. Children are emotionally tied to what we give up. Moving on for kids is a slower process that takes more time than I ever realized in my decision. The best thing we can offer as parents is to give them as much time as possible to move on.
Some will say the pain is like childbirth and you quickly forget it. I totally disagree although I told my 9yo when she is old enough we can go to get matching tattoos. What in the world? If and only if I decide to do it again the next tattoo will be the tiniest design with to no detail. No, I beg to differ the pain is memorable. I wish I could provide a list of things to do better prepare but I’m lost for words.
Now what I can offer for a first tattoo are the following:
Netflix and why is my go to service for binge tv watching. My favorite for binge watching on Netflix started with The Gilmore Girls in December 2014. My second series for binge watching was Season 1 and Season 2 of Orange Is The New Black. For some reason, I was a little bored with finishing Orange Is The New Black,Season 3. In the last 3 years, I have learned to enjoy my Netflix subscription to the fullest. I love the fact that Netflix offers recommendations based on what you have watched and there are 20 categories to choose what to watch next.
