JenOni

Single Mom Chronicles

Single Motherhood is by Circumstance not by Choice with Divorce

Single Motherhood

*this post contains an affiliate link which means I receive commission if you click the link and purchase*

Single Motherhood

Single motherhood is a challenging journey that requires perseverance and commitment.   Every year on Father’s Day I notice a  surge of posts on women celebrating Father’s Day.   The fact that Hallmark found it necessary to add a card to its Mahogany line is even more ridiculous.  We are in some way to celebrate a woman being a mother on Father’s Day because there is no way, in my opinion, you can hold down both roles.    I believe only a mother can teach her children how to love and nurture which is entirely different than what a father teaches.   Before I became a mother, I lived with both parents and I remember my father’s role in our home.  Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was 19. The one thing I know I missed out on is having my father’s perspective on life and all the lessons that go along with challenges. Fathers who are engaged with their children shed a different light on the many facets involved with living.

As a divorced mom of two, becoming a single parent is by circumstance, not by choice.   Motherhood encompasses so many levels and does not warrant acknowledgment other than on the third Sunday in May.    For me, Mother’s Day feels like another day to some degree in terms of what is expected and required.    I feel like I am always on the clock every day, week, month and year.  There are so many hats to wear no matter the season.  It is my one job that is without breaks,  sick time,  and vacation.   Please do not feel compelled to acknowledge me on a day that was never meant for me.    The blessing of giving birth is the role I was destined to have and all the responsibility that comes along with the role.   This is not to negate the role of a father but I am good staying in my lane.

 The blessing of being a mother is one of intent and purpose and I am fine in that seat.

Reconciliation is not an Option for All Divorces

reconciliation

 

*this post contains an affiliate link, which means I receive a commission if you click and purchase*

Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not an option for all divorces.   After a conversation with an unnamed individual, I was caught off guard when she said she was hoping for a reconciliation.    Although this may apply for some couples it was not an option for me.    This conversation really made me think about the mindset of certain people especially those who grow up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I am convinced that anyone who would encourage reconciling to go back to a dysfunctional relationship is not concerned about my well-being.   It is so easy to live a facade for the purpose of trying to look happy on the outside while you’re crumbling physically and emotionally.   I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship with no regrets.

It is easy for some to live according to the rules of others and not stay true to themselves.  I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional marriage.   Her comments were unnerving in light of the fact infidelity impacts so many marriages.   It feels like it is a cycle of unacceptable behavior in some families and it is continuously brushed under the rug.

I have learned it is far more important to stay true to my values and choose the life I deserve.   This is why is it important for me to surround myself with a village who wants the best for me.  In the process,  it means not allowing people who do not have my best interest at heart in my life.   It feels great to embrace positivity and those who want the very best for me.

 

 

Divorce: It is not Contagious – How to Manage Advice ?

Divorce

Dear Diary,   When you divorce,  why is that you are no longer treated the same by others or extended invitations because you are now single?  It never dawned on me until I was in the midst of being separated and then divorced.   I witnessed how the dynamics of personal relationships change.   Personally, it feels like the word “divorce” is the proverbial elephant in the room or the bug no one wants to catch.   I have never received so much unwarranted advice from people who have absolutely no experience on the matter.

Single and Never Married: It is interesting for single people to attempt to give a once married person advice on marriage.    I crossed my eyes on a number of occasions.  One comment that still sticks to this day is one person telling me “that’s who you chose”.   You definitely learn to developed thick skin and count to 5 multiple times to avoid having an out of body experience.    If you need to vent or seek advice avoid sharing any of it with a single person, who was never married.   There is more judgment rendered than support offered.

Married Once, Absolute Expert: One conversation I vividly remember was from one of my brother’s female friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know my story.    During one conversation I vividly remember one of my brother’s friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know me or my story.  Yes,  I will admit in the initial phase of any experience your emotions are turned upside down and inside out.    I think some people assume the role of expert because they have a specific experience.   Let me tell you; never ASSUME anything about another person’s life.   Although our experiences are similar, our lives are not woven from the same cloth.   The last thing I needed was a psychological assessment from someone you have just met.    If you want an expert, consult the nearest mental health professional for an appointment.

Married and Understand Dynamics of Marriage:  It would only make sense that someone who is currently married with a clear understanding it is an absolute journey that requires work.   I think this is your reality check of advice.   They will offer a listening ear and provide a positive perspective on their lessons learned.

Separated/Divorce:  I have found the greatest support from those who are separated/divorcing or divorced.   They will understand how you are feeling and thinking as you navigate the same journey.  It is important to surround yourself with true champions who seek the positive out of unpleasant circumstances.    This is not the support circle to constantly focus on the negative but it is a tribe of encouragement, faith,  and motivation.   You may need to laugh, cry, vent and yell and still feel like you’re whole when the dust settles.   It is important to establish this tribe as you will rely on advice, constructive feedback, and direction from a place of genuine love and support.  My journey is a lot easier because I have this support network to

My JOURNEY is a lot easier because I have a support network to rely on when I need a POSITIVE perspective.

Divorce-It's Not Contagious

 

 

Divorce: Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

 

Tweet:

“When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade”

My divorce was finalized in January 2013.  As I reflect on the process it dawned on me how much valuable time and energy is wasted mainly due to STUPIDITY!  The bigger question is WHY? what do inidividuals hope to GAIN? why be DIFFICULT?  It is so much more advantageous to speed up the process and go off peacefully. Here are my clear cut reasons why an AMICABLE DIVORCE is a matter of COMMON SENSE,  I know I know this does not grow in everyone’s garden!!!!  Bare with me HERE!

Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

  1. Both parties can start to rebuild their lives sooner than later.
  2. Reduce the  financial burden, lawyers are not inexpensive!!! Trust me  I still owe 3 years later!
  3. Reducing stress is beneficial to your MENTAL AND PHYSICAL WELL-BEING.
  4. Establish stability for child(ren) involved.   They have the right to live in  a STRESS-FREE ZONE as well!
  5. EXHALE!

Parenting After My Divorce In My Words

Parenting: CoParenting In My Words

 

Every time I hear the word parenting,  I feel like it is a psychology buzz word.    In the five years of being separated and now DIVORCED, it has been challenging to parent while living separately.    However, I have learned that in order to maintain my sanity, I have to function with what works for me, POINT BLANK!   I also realized my kids can morph into master MANIPULATORS! for their personal gain.    They try to play both sides until someone says NO! All I can say is PUMP THE BRAKES! on this behavior and set some ground rules.

It is so important to me and it actually feels good to say NO to my kids.     I have witnessed on multiple occasions how my kids have a false sense of entitlement.     I know I am guilty of not setting limitations for them on so many levels.      As a single parent, I find myself having very honest conversations with my kids on the reality of our new life.  I feel it is important for them to understand my perspective on planning for our future even if they may not agree with my decisions.   Now with that said I will say my teen has been the biggest opponent of most of my decisions in the past five years.   Honestly, I feel no guilt because I realize he has a lot more maturing to do before he can fully understand this journey.   On this journey, you will find that there will be a lot of agreeing to disagree moments and this is OK.    Again this journey is about our physical and mental well-being as well for our children.    I have found that while parents may share the same expectations for their children, it can be difficult to instill the same boundaries and limitations.   My single parenting is a daily journey as I see the good, the bad and the ugly of having to diffuse every feeling and emotion that is warranted and unwarranted with my children.   I wish it was as simple as sending my children to a time out chair but this is not reality.

There are days when I feel cheated because I get to experience the defiant side of my children on a daily basis.   While the other parent gets to reap the benefits of bringing the fun.    This can be a hard pill to swallow and I  often wonder what is the true payoff.   Coparenting looks different for everyone so I would encourage those who have it nailed- to stick with your game plan.   I know for me it comes down to making the best decisions that impact our well-being and puts my children on the right track for the future.

We are five years in and the biggest win is for me to resolve to focus on what provides a win-win in our new home.  After we close the door I need to open my parenting 101 book and hope for the best.

Top 5 things I need to make part of my daily parenting journey:

  1. Be consistent
  2. Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences for their actions
  3. Frequently communicate my expectations
  4. Have open and honest conversations even if it is uncomfortable
  5. Plan activities for family time


Open Letter to My Kids About Divorce and Life Moving Forward

Open Letter to My Kids on Divorce and Life Moving Forward

I felt compelled to write an open letter to my kids on divorce.   During my break, I watched Being, Jasmine Guy on Centric.   It hit home when she talked about going through her divorce and having to explain the situation to her then 8-year-old daughter.   Jasmine moved to another state, which meant displacing her child.    Her story struck a nerve with me because it was a decision I agonized over during this time.    As Jasmine said(referring to divorce),  “Our story is their story”.   Her daughter talked about leaving her friends and not making it easy for her mother.

Decisions

As a mother,  it was difficult for me to disrupt their comfort zone.   My son was nine when I decided to move and my daughter was three years old.   It is difficult to explain adult decisions to kids, however, I hope one day they will understand the “why” behind my decisions.

Open Letter……

Dear Kids,

I need you to know my decisions are in your best interest.  As a mother, I always want the best for both of you even if this means uprooting to some extent.   Although, parenting is without a handbook I feel it is my duty to always provide an environment that is functional versus dysfunctional.   I want to be honest and not make empty promises.   The reality of divorce is not always a silver lining.   One lesson I learned is not to invite less than what I deserve into our lives.  From this lesson, I hope you will always set high standards for yourselves and never settle for less.  You deserve the best in everything you do.

Goals in the New Year, No Resolutions in the New Year

Goals for New Year

 

Goals for New Year

I never believed in creating resolutions, however, a new year is an opportunity to set new goals for myself.   In the last twelve months, I realize there are still areas of improvement for me to get closer to my financial goals.  Health & Fitness are important for me to

Health & Fitness – Taking Care of My Temple December was eye-opening for me in terms of taking care of my internal temple.  My lean physique is misleading in terms of being healthy.  I  learned after my preventative office visit and blood work that my internal health is driven not only by exercise but also my diet.   For so many years, I believed reducing certain foods was enough.   This is only half of the challenge.   My diet was missing foods with the right nutrients.  I will admit the week of Christmas is a week of overindulging.   Christmas brings baking cookies with lots of butter, sugar and all the other foods I normally avoid during the year like homemade buttermilk pancakes.   Regardless, it was a wake-up call to increase my fruits and vegetables, reduce sugary foods and saturated fats.  Now I am taking Vitamin D and B12 vitamins for the 4-6 weeks.  Also adding fish oil at meal time once a day.   I’m excited to be on track for healthier living.  In addition to my annual OB/GYN and mammogram, I realize how important it is to have a yearly physical.

Finances/Building Credit/Investing –  Managing finances has been a challenge for the past 7 years.   Unemployment and divorce are hurdles that take years to overcome.   I wish there was a quick switch but it takes to time to rebuild. One mistake was paying a company to assist with credit building.  After a year and a half of wasting money, I decided to take matters into my own hands.   The first step was reviewing copies of my credit report and devising a plan to try and pay off creditors.  For new debt, being very consistent with paying on time.   The benefit of before-tax payroll deductions is another way to invest and save money as a way to reach financial goals.   A plan to create additional streams of income is a work in progress.

Self-Care –  In 2016,  I spent a few days enjoying time for myself.   I tried classes at a new yoga studio and finally a chance to try a Soul Cycle class.   One thing I missed doing is scheduling the time to really relax.  I found my time off from work being filled with running errands or school commitments.   A spa day or half-day is long overdue.   This is the year when I have to be adamant about not accommodating the schedules of others.

Travel – Scheduling economic ways to enjoy travel.   Finding a travel agent to book an end of the year trip.  Stay tuned.

Single Mom Chronicles: Review-Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice

 

Tiffany Mack’s ebook: Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice

I love connecting with single moms across social media. Who knew listening to a scope titled Black Girls Golf would lead me to Tiffany Mack’s ebook Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice.

It was such a great read I had to share with my single moms.   It is Tiffany’s viewpoint on the difference between a single mother and single parent.    She too is a divorced mom which she states being a single mom equates to your marital status, Single and a Mother.   While being a single parent is by choice.   Personally I find it difficult to ask for help if it is someone outside of family or close friends.      One important fact that Tiffany points out is to wisely select those in our community at large to assist with parenting our children.

Five Things I Learned:

  1. Commit to creating a village for my children.
  2. Set boundaries with my children and provide explanations.
  3. Be honest with my children, the discussions should be age appropriate.  They know and understand more than we think.
  4. Be honest with others in terms of my needs, allow others to pitch in.  This is only possible if others know what you need.
  5. Acknowledge I am not superwoman, take time to decompress!

To read some wonderful words of wisdom,  check out the ebook Single Mother by Circumstance, Single Parent by Choice :Strategies from a Single-Mom Who Never Became A Single-Parent at  TiffanyMack.

Middle Age and Divorce

 

Middle Age and Divorcing

Being middle aged and divorcing is not an insurmountable hurdle.   I will say divorcing over the age of 40 felt odd.  The age of 40 is a milestone and most celebrate in a big way to mark the occasion.  Shortly, after turning 40 I was separated and moved.   If I had a crystal ball, I envisioned turning 40 to be a pivotal time in terms of career, finances, parenting, etc.  I spent a few wonderful days in Miami to celebrate my 40th.  Who spends a milestone birthday without their spouse?  This was a clear sign of the downward spiral of a crumbling marriage.   Honestly, this was really only masking the inevitable of returning home to a broken marriage.

The most excruciating part of the process was planning our next steps. My planning was about making all decisions in the best interest of three vs. one.     One thing I learned is that not all decisions are warmly received by children.  Children learn very quickly how to adapt to change.  While change is easy for some adults how to plan out my next year let alone years was easier said than done.  Unfortunately, we cannot predict the behavior of other people and as much as we strive to make changes stress-free there are no guarantees.

I really think divorce is hard at any age, however, entering your forties while divorcing feels like an oxymoron.   The forties should be a time of feeling empowered, being unapologetically self-confident and owning your voice.

What I have witnessed in real life is mind boggling.   I am really irked with the assumption that being divorced means you’re lonely, miserable and desperate.   For some reason, I find that having the status of single insinuates that you’re looking.  I remember the question posed “so you want to start over at 40?”.   Now thinking back the question was asked not out of concern but selfishness.   I have learned that some adults are utterly afraid of change and will live days, months and years filled with unhappiness.    Fear is a deterrent for progression.   I had to really listen to myself on how I wanted the next chapters to unfold.    As a friend told me “we” (women) change and “they” (men) do not.   The fear of complacency and living the next chapters unhappy was more than enough to leave.

It was 3 and a half years after leaving my home that I had the momentum to move forward with mapping out our lives.   Change inevitably takes time and I wish I could say there are no challenges and everything is easy but that would be a lie.   I knew what I wanted for myself was far greater than what anyone else could envision for me.   The desire to live in peace should never be compromised.   We owe it to ourselves to live a life that is filled with peace.   If  I had to do it all over again there is not one thing I would change.   Well, there is one thing and that is deciding to leave sooner than later and minimizing the instability for the kids.

Experience is truly the best teacher.   I know now that I have to set standards for all elements of my life.  There is no room for mediocrity or accepting what others think is right for me.  My next chapters have to be on my terms!