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JenOni

Single Mom Chronicles

Reconciliation is not an Option for All Divorces

reconciliation

 

Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not an option for all divorces.   After a conversation with an unnamed individual, I was caught off guard when she said she was hoping for a reconciliation.    Although this may apply for some couples it was not an option for me.    This conversation really made me think about the mindset of certain people especially those who grow up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I am convinced that anyone who would encourage reconciling to go back to a dysfunctional relationship is not concerned about my well-being.   It is so easy to live a facade for the purpose of trying to look happy on the outside while you’re crumbling physically and emotionally.   I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship with no regrets.

It is easy for some to live according to the rules of others and not stay true to themselves.  I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional marriage.   Her comments were unnerving in light of the fact infidelity impacts so many marriages.   It feels like it is a cycle of unacceptable behavior in some families and it is continuously brushed under the rug.

I have learned it is far more important to stay true to my values and choose the life I deserve.   This is why is it important for me to surround myself with a village who wants the best for me.  In the process,  it means not allowing people who do not have my best interest at heart in my life.   It feels great to embrace positivity and those who want the very best for me.

 

The Reality of Finances when Raising Children with One Salary

finances

Finances and the Reality of Raising Children with One Salary

Finances and raising children needs a serious reality check for some individuals.  In January 2017, a published reported stated a cost of raising a child as a married couple with two incomes is $233, 610 from birth to the age of 17. Although, I do not have a newborn being a divorced parent with two school-age children and one income is a major financial challenge.

For some reason,  it seems as if true expenses associated with raising children or trying to raise children effectively are overlooked.   The cost of living increases year over year and it entails more than housing, food, and clothing for children.    The additional expenses change each year as children get older.   For example, working full-time requires before and after care services.  There is no way around this expense if children are too young to come on their own.  Childcare is a yearly expense of $6,000 each year with an incremental increase each year.   It is a necessary expense and unavoidable.   During summer break, a camp is another expense which can range from $2,000 to $4,000 per child depending on the program.   Both of these expenses are critical for providing a safe and nurturing before and after school as well as during the summer months.

If children have an interest in playing sports there are expenses incurred.  Most townships offer sports programs for a fee each season.  In addition to the fee,  sports require some element of the uniform at my expense such as footwear, safety equipment, special clothing, etc.

Another expense is related to healthcare.   One of my children has a pre-existing condition which requires a monthly prescription with an out of pocket expense over $150.  This year my pediatrician changed the concentration of the medication and this increased the medication to over $200.  Yes, I do utilize my HSA to conver some of my healthcare expenses.   However, there the unfortunate times which require an emergency room visit.   In light of plans with deductibles,  there are costs for ER visits and overnight stays in a hospital.    There are hospitals that offer financial assistance to reduce medical bills.   I would suggest taking the effort to fill out the necessary paperwork.

Both children are in public schools.   September brings a new round of school supplies at my expense.  If after school clubs are offered, a fee is charged.   School trips have fees.   There are classroom events planned where parents are expected to contribute monetarily.   I am a firm believer of being a parent who is engaged on all levels of my children’s education.   This year my daughter wanted to play an instrument, there is a fee to rent the instrument for the school year.

Extracurricular activities such as vacations, day trips or cultural experience, sporting events are another expense.  Yes, some may these are not necessary.  My goal is to expose my children to as much as possible to nurture a well-rounded productive individual who can navigate in this world.

It is obvious some individuals are clueless when it comes to raising children beyond the necessities.   I think it is a waste of time to educate anyone on the how and why of parenting in the 21st century.    It is very despicable to me for individuals to provide the bare minimum and not be held accountable.   If it is a hard concept to grasp as far as what is required for financially supporting the well-being of children,  Google it!

Gifts that Sparkle for Mother’s Day- May 14th, 2017

gifts

Gifts that Sparkle and Shine for Mother’s Day

They say jewelry is the gift that keeps on giving, and Mom would have to agree! Wow, her this Mother’s Day with a piece she’ll never get tired of from Jewelry.com.

Just Gold Layered Textured Heart Pendant 

Mom will look thrice as nice in this 10k heart pendant. Dainty and classic, this faux-layer chain necklace will add the perfect touch of elegance to her wardrobe across all seasons.

1 ct Diamond Box Tennis Bracelet 

If Mom is of the silver persuasion, this gorgeous tennis bracelet is a classic addition to her collection. A total of 1 ct round-cut diamonds perfectly soften the rectangular links for a bold, yet feminine, piece.

1 5/8 ct Cushion-Cut Sapphire Stud Earrings 

For the Mom who loves timeless elegance, these stud earrings are sure to please. With a total of 1 5/8 ct cushion-cut sapphires in a 14K white gold setting, Mom will have her new favorite pair of special occasion earrings.

Macy’s Jewelry Sale

 

ShopBop

Divorce: It is not Contagious – How to Manage Advice ?

Divorce

Dear Diary,   When you divorce,  why is that you are no longer treated the same by others or extended invitations because you are now single?  It never dawned on me until I was in the midst of being separated and then divorced.   I witnessed how the dynamics of personal relationships change.   Personally, it feels like the word “divorce” is the proverbial elephant in the room or the bug no one wants to catch.   I have never received so much unwarranted advice from people who have absolutely no experience on the matter.

Single and Never Married: It is interesting for single people to attempt to give a once married person advice on marriage.    I crossed my eyes on a number of occasions.  One comment that still sticks to this day is one person telling me “that’s who you chose”.   You definitely learn to developed thick skin and count to 5 multiple times to avoid having an out of body experience.    If you need to vent or seek advice avoid sharing any of it with a single person, who was never married.   There is more judgment rendered than support offered.

Married Once, Absolute Expert: One conversation I vividly remember was from one of my brother’s female friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know my story.    During one conversation I vividly remember one of my brother’s friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know me or my story.  Yes,  I will admit in the initial phase of any experience your emotions are turned upside down and inside out.    I think some people assume the role of expert because they have a specific experience.   Let me tell you; never ASSUME anything about another person’s life.   Although our experiences are similar, our lives are not woven from the same cloth.   The last thing I needed was a psychological assessment from someone you have just met.    If you want an expert, consult the nearest mental health professional for an appointment.

Married and Understand Dynamics of Marriage:  It would only make sense that someone who is currently married with a clear understanding it is an absolute journey that requires work.   I think this is your reality check of advice.   They will offer a listening ear and provide a positive perspective on their lessons learned.

Separated/Divorce:  I have found the greatest support from those who are separated/divorcing or divorced.   They will understand how you are feeling and thinking as you navigate the same journey.  It is important to surround yourself with true champions who seek the positive out of unpleasant circumstances.    This is not the support circle to constantly focus on the negative but it is a tribe of encouragement, faith,  and motivation.   You may need to laugh, cry, vent and yell and still feel like you’re whole when the dust settles.   It is important to establish this tribe as you will rely on advice, constructive feedback, and direction from a place of genuine love and support.  My journey is a lot easier because I have this support network to

My JOURNEY is a lot easier because I have a support network to rely on when I need a POSITIVE perspective.

Divorce-It's Not Contagious

 

 

Divorce: Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

 

Tweet:

“When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade”

My divorce was finalized in January 2013.  As I reflect on the process it dawned on me how much valuable time and energy is wasted mainly due to STUPIDITY!  The bigger question is WHY? what do inidividuals hope to GAIN? why be DIFFICULT?  It is so much more advantageous to speed up the process and go off peacefully. Here are my clear cut reasons why an AMICABLE DIVORCE is a matter of COMMON SENSE,  I know I know this does not grow in everyone’s garden!!!!  Bare with me HERE!

Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

  1. Both parties can start to rebuild their lives sooner than later.
  2. Reduce the  financial burden, lawyers are not inexpensive!!! Trust me  I still owe 3 years later!
  3. Reducing stress is beneficial to your MENTAL AND PHYSICAL WELL-BEING.
  4. Establish stability for child(ren) involved.   They have the right to live in  a STRESS-FREE ZONE as well!
  5. EXHALE!

Parenting After My Divorce In My Words

Parenting: CoParenting In My Words

 

Every time I hear the word parenting,  I feel like it is a psychology buzz word.    In the five years of being separated and now DIVORCED, it has been challenging to parent while living separately.    However, I have learned that in order to maintain my sanity, I have to function with what works for me, POINT BLANK!   I also realized my kids can morph into master MANIPULATORS! for their personal gain.    They try to play both sides until someone says NO! All I can say is PUMP THE BRAKES! on this behavior and set some ground rules.

It is so important to me and it actually feels good to say NO to my kids.     I have witnessed on multiple occasions how my kids have a false sense of entitlement.     I know I am guilty of not setting limitations for them on so many levels.      As a single parent, I find myself having very honest conversations with my kids on the reality of our new life.  I feel it is important for them to understand my perspective on planning for our future even if they may not agree with my decisions.   Now with that said I will say my teen has been the biggest opponent of most of my decisions in the past five years.   Honestly, I feel no guilt because I realize he has a lot more maturing to do before he can fully understand this journey.   On this journey, you will find that there will be a lot of agreeing to disagree moments and this is OK.    Again this journey is about our physical and mental well-being as well for our children.    I have found that while parents may share the same expectations for their children, it can be difficult to instill the same boundaries and limitations.   My single parenting is a daily journey as I see the good, the bad and the ugly of having to diffuse every feeling and emotion that is warranted and unwarranted with my children.   I wish it was as simple as sending my children to a time out chair but this is not reality.

There are days when I feel cheated because I get to experience the defiant side of my children on a daily basis.   While the other parent gets to reap the benefits of bringing the fun.    This can be a hard pill to swallow and I  often wonder what is the true payoff.   Coparenting looks different for everyone so I would encourage those who have it nailed- to stick with your game plan.   I know for me it comes down to making the best decisions that impact our well-being and puts my children on the right track for the future.

We are five years in and the biggest win is for me to resolve to focus on what provides a win-win in our new home.  After we close the door I need to open my parenting 101 book and hope for the best.

Top 5 things I need to make part of my daily parenting journey:

  1. Be consistent
  2. Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences for their actions
  3. Frequently communicate my expectations
  4. Have open and honest conversations even if it is uncomfortable
  5. Plan activities for family time


Open Letter to My Kids About Divorce and Life Moving Forward

Open Letter to My Kids on Divorce and Life Moving Forward

I felt compelled to write an open letter to my kids on divorce after viewing a program.   This weekend I was truly a couch potato and managed to watch Being, Jasmine Guy on Centric.   It really hit home when she talked about going through her divorce and having to explain the situation to her then 8-year-old daughter.   Jasmine moved to another state, which meant displacing her child.    This hit a nerve with me because it was a decision I agonized over doing at the time.    As Jasmine said(referring to divorce),  “Our story is their story”.   Her daughter talked about leaving her friends and not making it easy for her mother.   Today her daughter realizes why her mother made specific decisions and felt bad with giving her mother a hard time.

As a mother,  it pains you to disrupt what your kids know as home and the life in their neighborhood with their friends.   My son was almost ten when I decided to move out and my daughter was almost four years old.    It is difficult to explain adult decisions to kids, however, I hope one day they will understand the “why” behind my decisions.

Open Letter……

I would like you to know that my decisions were always in your best interest and not for my own selfish reasons.  As a mother, I always want the best for you even if this means uprooting to create a better life.  Although, parenting is without a handbook I feel it is my duty to always provide an environment that is functional versus dysfunctional.   I want, to always be honest,  and not deceive you with empty words or promises.   The reality of divorce is not always with a silver lining.   One lesson I have learned is not to invite less than what I know deserve into our lives.  From this lesson,   I hope always set high standards for yourselves and never settle for less.  You deserve the best in everything you do.  I am tough because I want you both to stay focused and strive for more than my achievements.   I wish I could promise you that life will come without challenges but this would be untrue.   The lesson to learn is that despite life’s challenges we find a way to prevail.  This journey is one of many lessons, challenges, and experiences.  My wish is that you use our journey to shape and define your footprint in the world.

 

 

Goals in the New Year, No Resolutions in the New Year

Goals for New Year

 

Goals for New Year

I never believed in creating resolutions, however, a new year is an opportunity to set new goals for myself.   In the last twelve months, I realize there are still areas of improvement for me to get closer to my financial goals.  Health & Fitness are important for me to

Health & Fitness – Taking Care of My Temple December was eye-opening for me in terms of taking care of my internal temple.  My lean physique is misleading in terms of being healthy.  I  learned after my preventative office visit and blood work that my internal health is driven not only by exercise but also my diet.   For so many years, I believed reducing certain foods was enough.   This is only half of the challenge.   My diet was missing foods with the right nutrients.  I will admit the week of Christmas is a week of overindulging.   Christmas brings baking cookies with lots of butter, sugar and all the other foods I normally avoid during the year like homemade buttermilk pancakes.   Regardless, it was a wake-up call to increase my fruits and vegetables, reduce sugary foods and saturated fats.  Now I am taking Vitamin D and B12 vitamins for the 4-6 weeks.  Also adding fish oil at meal time once a day.   I’m excited to be on track for healthier living.  In addition to my annual OB/GYN and mammogram, I realize how important it is to have a yearly physical.

Finances/Building Credit/Investing –  Managing finances has been a challenge for the past 7 years.   Unemployment and divorce are hurdles that take years to overcome.   I wish there was a quick switch but it takes to time to rebuild. One mistake was paying a company to assist with credit building.  After a year and a half of wasting money, I decided to take matters into my own hands.   The first step was reviewing copies of my credit report and devising a plan to try and pay off creditors.  For new debt, being very consistent with paying on time.   The benefit of before-tax payroll deductions is another way to invest and save money as a way to reach financial goals.   A plan to create additional streams of income is a work in progress.

Self-Care –  In 2016,  I spent a few days enjoying time for myself.   I tried classes at a new yoga studio and finally a chance to try a Soul Cycle class.   One thing I missed doing is scheduling the time to really relax.  I found my time off from work being filled with running errands or school commitments.   A spa day or half-day is long overdue.   This is the year when I have to be adamant about not accommodating the schedules of others.

Travel – Scheduling economic ways to enjoy travel.   Finding a travel agent to book an end of the year trip.  Stay tuned.