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JenOni

Single Mom Chronicles

Inconsistency is Annoying and An Unwelcome Guest for My Adulting

May 13, 2019

Single Life

Post-divorce taught me inconsistency is very annoying. Why is being a mature adult so hard for some individuals? If you are incapable of being consistent with another human being just own it and move on. After an hour conversation with a friend, her words to me were run girl, run. I am sure my intuition has been working overtime trying to figure it all out. This is such a waste of valuable time. Is anyone losing sleep over my well-being? One thing I know for sure is trying to figure out anyone other than myself is a huge waste of time.

Inconsistency

Inconsistency is unproductive especially if it detracts me from real life goals. When I hear people say someone “completes me”, I cringe because this sounds like a person is not whole without someone else. A person’s actions speak volumes. I am no longer interested in words because as the saying goes talk is cheap. There was a discussion on FB tonight about dating and I can agree with people’s aversion to dating.

Who shows up? Does it feel like a room full of imposters? Are there really genuine people? and if so where are they?

Filed Under: Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: #postdivorce, dating, single, singlelife

This Is Us Season 3 Episode 17 “Randall & Beth” Relationship Dynamics

Apr 1, 2019

Episode 16

After I watched Episode 16, I was on pins and needles about the future for Beth and Randall. The episode ended with a heated conversation between Beth and Randall. I know Randall will think twice about leaving another insensitive voicemail.

Episode 17

This week’s episode started with Beth telling Randall how she felt over the course of their relationship from the beginning. I had no idea they attended the same college and started dating in college. Their first date ended abruptly because Randall overdid it with his planning. I felt he never stopped to figure out what Beth liked or what was a perfect date for her. When Beth ended the date she clearly told Randall to never call her again because he was too much. Obviously, he did call again. His relationship with his mother really bothered Beth to some extent, especially how much he shared with her. I thought this was a bit over the top for him to share so much detail with his mother and want to include his mother on his dates with Beth.

Randall’s passion and love spread to everyone in his life. She obviously learned to love that part of him. The promise Beth asked of Randall is that they not get lost in the midst of married life. A few things were apparent early on before the accepted proposal, Beth was fine being in their seven-year relationship and in no hurry to be married. I feel she was still trying to find herself. Beth also had an issue with Randall’s mother being a third wheel. Randall invited her along like it was normal.
After countless proposals, Beth finally accepted.

Compromise or No?

After, twenty years of marriage, Beth finally realized her dream of teaching dance. There is a scene in which Beth and Randall are sitting at the kitchen table munching on nachos while Tess slept. Beth talks about looking forward to returning to work and Randall reassures her they will work it out. This is when Beth proceeds to compare both of them to chips. She eventually makes it clear only the crumbs are left. Randall was a bit annoyed as he thought Beth was saying she is only left with crumbs. Beth quickly redirected the conversation for them to get a full night’s sleep. I think the reality of being a wife and mother with a career was starting to sink in for Beth.

Marriage


This episode highlighted relevant topics for marriage. Can compromise exist in marriage? Are dreams deferred while married? How often should you check in with your spouse on goals? This episode was a realistic depiction of marriage and its challenges. Marriage is difficult when two people come together with different life goals. Before Beth and Randall were married, Beth was assertive in what she needed. After getting married, she put herself on hold to support Randall’s next brainstorm. Randall brought a lot of extra and while Beth appeared fine supporting him I think she became resentful. The end of this episode has me thinking they may take some time apart.

This episode is a clear indicator of the communication that is lacking before saying I do. Vows are words but the actions that follow set the tone for the institution.

Filed Under: Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: marriage, Relationships, thisisus, vows

Single on Valentine’s Day is a Good Reason to Celebrate Love for Self

Feb 12, 2019

Happy Valentine'sDay

Single on Valentine’s Day

I think I missed the memo that being single on Valentine’s Day is a curse.  During this time each year, I see articles coaching people on how to cope with being single on Valentine’s Day.   Don’t get me wrong I like the idea of celebrating with the one you love.  However, being single on Valentine’s Day is no reason to be sad.  I feel like it gives a reason to celebrate doing something special for yourself.

If You’re an Ex

A few weeks ago I saw on the news how to celebrate Valentine’s Day if you have an ex.  Now there are activities if you have an ex,  a zoo in El Paso Texas allows people to use ex’s name for a cockroach which is then fed to a meerkat.  Hooters offers a  coupon for ten free boneless wings by completing an online quiz and shredding an ex’s picture.   All of this negative energy is no for me.  Just move on and channel this energy to celebrate YOU!

My thoughts as a single woman and the idea of stressing over Valentine’s Day brings a few questions to mind.  What happened to the idea of celebrating love every day? Why is being happy and loved dependent on being in a relationship?  Is it possible to love yourself and love your time alone?  Do we spend enough time loving ourselves?  Are we emotionally and spiritually ready to share with another person?   Why have standards and expectations become irrelevant?

Love Jones

One of my favorite movies is Love Jones.   After watching the movie multiple times, I realized how much I missed in my 20s and 30s.   I know now experiences should have no regrets or settle for less.   My takeaway from the movie is the fact a loving relationship requires time, mutual respect, unconditional love, patience, and work.   It was also eye-opening to see how much time is wasted when we are not clear with expectations.

2014-12-12-lovejones

My mantra is to CELEBRATE ME every day of the year.

Ways to Treat Yourself for the Month and Beyond

  1. Book a relaxing massage at a local spa
  2. Schedule an appointment for a facial
  3. Plan a treat to a special pedicure and manicure
  4. Order a dozen of roses for the month and for a real splurge order LeFleur roses (on my 50 wishlist)
  5. Buy a box of favorite chocolates(Turtles are my favorite)
  6. Make dinner reservations at a favorite restaurant

Filed Under: Family, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: #lovejones, #valentinesday, Relationships, single

January and Divorce, My Divorce Month

Jan 22, 2019

It is interesting that January is called divorce month because my divorce decree was delivered in January 2013. This mail delivery was the first time I was excited to see the postal carrier and I could finally exhale that it was over on paper. While divorce is the end of a chapter, it is the beginning of a new life. A beginning to get it right this time on my terms. Divorce was the best decision for me physically and mentally. It gave me the release I needed to leave a toxic situation. January is the start of a new year but also an opportunity to plan for new opportunities and experiences.

When life gives you lemons make the best lemonade. Divorce showed me the following lessons:

  • Some people who come into your life are not meant to stay
  • Block dysfunctional people, places, and things
  • True friends and family are here for the good, the bad, and the ugly
  • Treating myself to what I deserve
  • The cost of divorce is worth every dime
  • Peace of mind is priceless
  • Surround myself with people who have my best interest at heart
  • Follow my passion
  • Never compromise my happiness for other people’s standards
  • Be direct with what I need and do not settle for less
  • Share new experiences wisely

Filed Under: Family, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, january

Truth of Post-Divorce Dynamics with Raising Children and Parenting

Jan 7, 2019

The Truth of Post-Divorce

The truth of post-divorce brings major emotional challenges each year.   I feel like the emotional scars of children are the casualties of divorce.  Single parenting in one home is extremely difficult when values are so different.

It is impossible to handle every situation by yourself.  The best resource I found is seeking mental health professionals to help me handle these growing pains.  I know no matter what I try to offer in terms of parenting it may not work for each child.   Each of my children is extremely different when it comes to communicating their feelings.

This year is the end of senior year and the start of middle school.  The task of finding the right mental health professional requires lots of research.   One reliable source for specialist referrals is our pediatrician and then I used my insurance website for providers in the area.  I am a firm believer in helping my kids with their mental health so they are on the right path to becoming adults who are equipped with healthy coping skills.

Filed Under: Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: parenting, post divorce

Post-Divorce and Advice Overload

Sep 1, 2018

Post-Divorce and What I Learned from Advice

Post-Divorce

Post-divorce brings a lot of challenges.  After the school year ended I was able to get away for some downtime.    Our school year was filled with a lot of challenges from the beginning to the end.   I booked my first solo trip in eight years.   My transition from being married to separated and finally divorced was a rollercoaster.   I am always making life decisions and trying to find balance is tough.   The best part of taking time away is looking forward to the next trip.  Traveling with intention is my priority.

When Advice Arrives

Divorce comes with a lot of advice, suggestions, and self-proclaimed wisdom.   I know my past, present, and future which means I need to do what makes sense for me.   While some advice may come with good intention only I know what works for my sanity.  Unfortunately, there is no handbook for life and disappointments are along the way.   The most important thing is that my decisions are in the best interest of myself and my kids.

Revelation

I will no longer feel guilty about scheduling time away to decompress and reset.   As a working mom, I loved the time away off the radar with no schedule except for watching a sunset.  The best thing to offer a single parent is the support to lessen the day to day grind.  Nothing is perfect but there are lessons to be learned along this path.

Filed Under: Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, post divorce

The Reality of Finances when Raising Children with One Salary

Oct 19, 2017

finances

*the post includes an affiliate link which means I will receive a commission if you click and purchase*

Finances and the Reality of Raising Children with One Salary

Finances and raising children needs a serious reality check.  In January 2017, a published report stated a cost of raising a child as a married couple with two incomes is $233, 610 from birth to the age of 17.   Although, I do not have a newborn being a single parent with two school-age children and one income is a major financial challenge.

Childcare Expenses

For some reason,  it seems as if true expenses associated with raising children or trying to raise children effectively are overlooked.   The cost of living increases year over year and it entails more than housing, food, and clothing for children.    The additional expenses change each year.   For example, working full-time requires before and aftercare services.  There is no way around this expense if children are too young to stay home alone.  Childcare is a yearly expense of $6,000 each year with an incremental increase each year.   It is a necessary expense and unavoidable.   During summer break, a camp is another expense which can range from $2,000 to $4,000 per child depending on the program.   Both of these expenses are important for providing a safe and nurturing before and after school as well as during the summer months.

My younger child who has an interest in playing sports and there are expenses incurred.  Most townships offer sports programs for a fee each season.  In addition to the fee, sports require some element of the uniform at my expense such as footwear, safety equipment,  and special clothing.

Healthcare Expenses

Healthcare is another expense.  My youngest has a pre-existing condition which requires a monthly prescription with an out of pocket expense of over $150.  Now using my prescription by mail service, the prescription saves me over $150 every three months.   My HSA does cover some expenses such as over the counter medication, office visits, prescriptions.  However, there unexpected situations that may an emergency room visit.   In light of healthcare plans with deductibles,  there are costs for ER visits and overnight stays in a hospital.    Some hospitals offer financial assistance to reduce medical bills.

School Expenses

Both of my children are in public schools.   September brings a new list of school supplies at my expense.  If after-school clubs are offered, a fee is charged.   School trips have fees.   There are classroom events planned where parents are expected to contribute monetarily.   I am a firm believer of being a parent who is engaged on all levels of my children’s education.   This year my daughter wanted to play an instrument, there is a fee to rent the instrument for the school year.

Additional Expenses

Extracurricular activities such as vacations, day trips or cultural experience, sporting events are another expense.  Yes, some may these are not necessary.  My goal is to expose my children to as much as possible to nurture a well-rounded productive individual who can navigate in this world.

It is obvious some individuals are clueless when it comes to raising children beyond the necessities.   I think it is a waste of time to educate anyone on the how and why of parenting in the 21st century.    It is very despicable to me for individuals to provide the bare minimum and not be held accountable.   If it is a hard concept to grasp as far as what is required for financially supporting the well-being of children,  Google it!

Filed Under: Finances, Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: #singlemom, children, divorce, singleparenting

Why is Matrimony so Difficult and Infidelity so Easy?

Sep 19, 2017

Matrimony
Matrimony is an institution that seems insurmountable.   The divorce rate is 50% and as a divorcee, I want no part of being remarried.   It was one of the most difficult and draining elements of my life.   Divorcing made me realize I was not living my best life.  The lifestyle was emotionally and physically draining with juggling a job, home and going from one child to two.  I no longer feel it is something I need to do with another person.   It feels like the generations of marriages lasting over 20 years is gone.  Five years is a feat it seems.
When I heard the song 4:4:4 I cringed because it sounds like an apology or a half-#$%  way of saying #$%*  happens.   What was the real purpose and who is it supposed to serve? Who will listen to this song and think if a megastar can be forgiving you can too?  Is the sanctity of marriage lost? Next, we see a celebrity embroiled in an extortion case and a tape.  Why is it so difficult to be faithful?  Why is a stable lifestyle taken for granted?  Has a life full of lies and deception become the new normal for some individuals?   As I watched episode 7 of Insecure, I remember the character Molly asking her mother why she stayed after finding out about her father’s infidelity. Her mother’s response was “he made me feel special more than hurt”.  Is this enough for a lifetime together?   I guess the alternative is living with infidelity and having someone making your life a living Hell is not an option.  How to recover to feel special after infidelity?  It is a crushing blow to the ego and self-esteem.   I think it’s only human to question yourself.   Does jewelry, a quick getaway, or an extravagant gift really erase the hurt and disappointment?   It makes me question the validity of intentions.
What I fail to understand is if there is ever any regret for the consequences. Is there only remorse because you’re caught?  Why is the “I’m not perfect” justification for unacceptable behavior?   True, we’re not perfect, however, where is the line drawn for respecting the institution.  Why is it so easy to risk destroying the trust and being disloyal?  I think taking a person for granted is a double-edged sword. There is no guarantee a person is open to reconciliation.   The disruption to a family is a long-term process of repair and I wonder are children ever fully over a home that is torn in two? As I live with my two kids, I see recurring remnants of issues each year.   It is not a fun position to be in when you see the struggle but can offer no immediate resolution.
I no longer feel it is necessary to entrust someone to provide what we need.  My faith in another person being in control for me and the kids has gone out the window.   The investment in someone else who may unravel our stability as we know it is not worth the gamble.   It can be exhausting trying to fit someone else’s profile on what they think is ideal.   It feels like self-preservation prevails and people are out for their own needs and there is no capacity for anyone else.   I have no issues with this mindset because we are all entitled to do what is best for ourselves.    The world today has changed from preserving the family unit.   I am convinced living my best life is as a single person.  My focus on our wellness and what is necessary is my responsibility.   I like being in charge of our life.

Filed Under: Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, infidelity, marriage

The Law Library to File Paperwork for My Divorce

Aug 22, 2017

*the post contains an affiliate link and I will receive a commission if you click and purchase*


Law Library

Hiring a Lawyer

I made so many mistakes when I hired an attorney.   When I  filed for divorce in the Fall of 2008, it was unchartered territory.    It took me two years to move out in 2010.    My surprise came when I saw how quickly the legal fees added up every time my lawyer called, emailed, mailed documents, court time, and filing documents.   I feel the custody agreement was a waste of time since it only lasted for a year.    After two years of separation, I was tired of the waiting period to sell a house that was never going to sell.  In August of 2012, I took matters into my own hands and decided to file the rest of the paperwork.  I spent hours in the law library scouring a family law book to get the documents filed properly.

Lawyer Fees and Filing Paperwork

My lawyer’s fees were creeping up and I needed to speed up the process.    After I typed the forms, made copies, and filed the forms with the prothonotary, it was finally finished.   Shortly, after filing all of the paperwork I learned one form was missing.   Luckily, the paralegal was able to file the last document.   I was elated there were no delays in finalizing my divorce.  The judge signed off on the divorce decree in December 2012 and I received the decree In January 2013.   I know the entire process would have lingered on for years. This was one of the best decisions I made in the entire process.   From my experience, I think it is important to discuss with a prospective lawyer the timeline and an estimate on hours.

Finale

My attorney worked hard to reach an amicable settlement but to no avail.  I had to advocate for myself to minimize the legal costs.  It worked in my favor because I stopped additional costs.  The downside is now I am stuck with a hefty legal bill. and foreclosure on my credit report.   If I can offer any advice it would be to hire a lawyer and make the process as quick and amicable as possible.

Filed Under: Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: attorney, divorce, legal costs

A New Relationship after Divorce is not a Competition or a Race Down the Aisle Again

Aug 15, 2017

 

relationshipsNew relationships after divorce are not a competition.    It should be a thought provoking decision based on reality, not fiction.   After divorcing I feel like the amount of advice was overwhelming and on occasion, filled with utter stupidity.   I had an unnamed person tell me I should get married(remarried)!  My first thought was for what reason? Is this a competition of some sort?   The statement was so irrelevant to the conversation.   I also must point out the statement was filled with contempt.    It made me realize being happy and content after divorce is obviously an issue for some people.    One thing I do know is that any decisions I make that impact my happiness will never be made in haste or to compete with another person.

One of the best lessons after divorce is to be very strategic in all decisions that impact my well being.   A relationship sounds like a good idea, however, finding a suitable partner who shares the same values, goals, and lifestyle is challenging.    While the choice to settle for less is very easy this brings so much unnecessary stress.   One of the best advantages to being single is the ability to enjoy life independently and to be in charge of my well being.   Personally, I know the worst mistake I made was thinking a relationship(s) was a replacement for a failed marriage.  A failed marriage has you questioning a lot of things.    I needed to take the time to evaluate what is needed in my life before including another person to share my time and space.  This was eye opening because what I thought was necessary was more work than I need right now.

I believe it is important to stop trying to make up for the time spent in a failed marriage.   The best thing I can do is focus on making better choices and living my best life.   I am enjoying my time alone and being in charge of my decisions.   One of the best parts is taking my time to make the right choices when it comes to the right person and a  relationship.  The art of weeding out the wrong one to find the right one becomes easier and easier.  I am not phased with attention especially if it is not the right attention.    After many lessons, the best advice I can offer is to discover you again, use the time to make yourself better,  learn to enjoy you, love your self every day no matter how small or large,  do not look for someone else to save you,  make a conscious effort to try something new, take care of your temple, travel, start a things I want to do list (not a fan of bucket list).

I hope to continue to live the best life possible on my terms and if it is meant to share with someone else it will happen.   It feels damn good to look forward to planning things I put on the back burner for so many years.    As someone told me,  it will happen because I refuse to settle.     The words to live by are never settle and no regrets!

Filed Under: Diary Of A Divorced CocoaMommy, Parenting, Single Mom Chronicles Tagged With: divorce, Relationships

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