JenOni

Parenting

This Is Us Season 3 Episode 17 “Randall & Beth” Relationship Dynamics

Episode 16

After I watched Episode 16, I was on pins and needles about the future for Beth and Randall. The episode ended with a heated conversation between Beth and Randall. I know Randall will think twice about leaving another insensitive voicemail.

Episode 17

This week’s episode started with Beth telling Randall how she felt over the course of their relationship from the beginning. I had no idea they attended the same college and started dating in college. Their first date ended abruptly because Randall overdid it with his planning. I felt he never stopped to figure out what Beth liked or what was a perfect date for her. When Beth ended the date she clearly told Randall to never call her again because he was too much. Obviously, he did call again. His relationship with his mother really bothered Beth to some extent, especially how much he shared with her. I thought this was a bit over the top for him to share so much detail with his mother and want to include his mother on his dates with Beth.

Randall’s passion and love spread to everyone in his life. She obviously learned to love that part of him. The promise Beth asked of Randall is that they not get lost in the midst of married life. A few things were apparent early on before the accepted proposal, Beth was fine being in their seven-year relationship and in no hurry to be married. I feel she was still trying to find herself. Beth also had an issue with Randall’s mother being a third wheel. Randall invited her along like it was normal.
After countless proposals, Beth finally accepted.

Compromise or No?

After, twenty years of marriage, Beth finally realized her dream of teaching dance. There is a scene in which Beth and Randall are sitting at the kitchen table munching on nachos while Tess slept. Beth talks about looking forward to returning to work and Randall reassures her they will work it out. This is when Beth proceeds to compare both of them to chips. She eventually makes it clear only the crumbs are left. Randall was a bit annoyed as he thought Beth was saying she is only left with crumbs. Beth quickly redirected the conversation for them to get a full night’s sleep. I think the reality of being a wife and mother with a career was starting to sink in for Beth.

Marriage


This episode highlighted relevant topics for marriage. Can compromise exist in marriage? Are dreams deferred while married? How often should you check in with your spouse on goals? This episode was a realistic depiction of marriage and its challenges. Marriage is difficult when two people come together with different life goals. Before Beth and Randall were married, Beth was assertive in what she needed. After getting married, she put herself on hold to support Randall’s next brainstorm. Randall brought a lot of extra and while Beth appeared fine supporting him I think she became resentful. The end of this episode has me thinking they may take some time apart.

This episode is a clear indicator of the communication that is lacking before saying I do. Vows are words but the actions that follow set the tone for the institution.

My Goal to Schedule a Pre-IEP meeting for the New Middle School Year

IEP – Indiviualized Education Plan

When my daughter started second grade, she required an IEP for reading, writing, and math. An IEP is a formal outline of specific academic goals and steps to meet the goals. The IEP can also include emotional support goals. The IEP meeting felt overwhelming while learning the process and understanding all of the paperwork.

It took me four years to understand the process. After discussing the process with a teacher, I learned about my right to schedule a pre-IEP meeting. My daughter’s previous IEPs were instrumental in her reading and writing progress. Her current IEP includes math and emotional support goals.

PRE-IEP MEETING

The pre-IEP meeting included her case manager, school psychologist, and her guidance counselor. The items I wanted to cover included the following:

  • Is the current math a good fit?
  • Are resources available outside of the school year for additional academic success?
  • Is a full academic assessment available to determine if she requires additional accomodations for class tests?
  • Is academic sucess center schedule working?

The meeting was great because we were able to identify additional areas of improvement. My daughter’s math goals are on target for grade level progress, the extended school year for summer is available, a full academic evaluation was moved to 6th-grade year, and her academic success center days were increased on her roster.

Middle school is a major transition with more responsibility. I feel more confident my daughter is on track for academic success. As a parent/guardian, I would suggest staying connected to the process and asking for changes if necessary. The IEP includes rights as a parent/guardian and education resources to assist with academic progress.

Senior Year for Teen and the Challenges

SAT Prep Course

Senior year is the finale of high school and it is not without challenges. In preparation for the SAT, I thought it was a good idea for my senior to take a prep course. Last spring, he registered for a 6-week course and half-way through he lost motivation. The course has required homework and practice tests. All of this additional work is in addition to regular school work. My teen skipped taking all of the proctored practice exams offered, did not complete all of the homework and missed taking the practice exams. His score did not improve significantly. The company used was extremely helpful in driving success on the SAT. Make-up practice exams were offered but my teen did not take advantage of the scheduling. The group course was $695 and included twelve hours of group instruction and four proctored practice exams. The company offers different courses dependent on the student’s needs.

Tips for selecting prep course:

  • Improving SAT score is a priority
  • time management is critical to complete the additional work assigned
  • make sure the instruction time for classes does not conflict with other activities
  • teen needs to commit to finishing the coursework in its entirety
  • take all practice exams and schedule make-up exams if necessary

SAT

My teen paid for his initial SAT which was scheduled on a Saturday at his high school in the Spring. I paid for him to re-take the test but it was actually a re-schedule from the first test. He decided to pay to take it again to improve his score. For his first SAT, he was unable to take the test because he forgot his school ID. On the third date, he forgot to print out the admission ticket and was unable to find his school ID. There are no refunds for these circumstances.

Tips for SAT morning:

  • print out admission ticket the night before, put school ID or driver’s license in the car the night before or near the door
  • eat brekfast
  • arrive 20-30 minutes before the test is scheduled to begin

FAFSA

The Fall semester also means FAFSA form, which is submitted to the universities/colleges of choice for financial aid award packages.

Tips:

  • Submit FAFSA on or after October 1st
  • Make sure you are completing the FAFSA form for the correct upcoming school year for senior For example, our form is for the school year 2019-2020
  • Write down the parent’s username/password and student’s username and password and store in a folder
  • Organize the necessary forms specifically W2, Income Tax Return, and other financial forms
  • Read the directions thoroughly and complete the fields correctly
  • eview the form at the end before submitting

If there are mistakes on the form, it allows you to edit and resubmit to all of the schools on the list. I realized after receiving the financial package from one school my form had a significant error. Luckily, the financial aid office was able to identify the error quickly.

Truth of Post-Divorce Dynamics with Raising Children and Parenting

The Truth of Post-Divorce

The truth of post-divorce brings major emotional challenges each year.   I feel like the emotional scars of children are the casualties of divorce.  Single parenting in one home is extremely difficult when values are so different.

It is impossible to handle every situation by yourself.  The best resource I found is seeking mental health professionals to help me handle these growing pains.  I know no matter what I try to offer in terms of parenting it may not work for each child.   Each of my children is extremely different when it comes to communicating their feelings.

This year is the end of senior year and the start of middle school.  The task of finding the right mental health professional requires lots of research.   One reliable source for specialist referrals is our pediatrician and then I used my insurance website for providers in the area.  I am a firm believer in helping my kids with their mental health so they are on the right path to becoming adults who are equipped with healthy coping skills.

Michelle Obama – My Forever First Lady, New Book “Becoming”

 Michelle Obama’s Interview

Michelle Obama’s interview on 20/20 with Robin Roberts reflected on how their family made history ten years ago.   Also, how this history is captured in her new book, Becoming.   President Obama became the 44th president it was an overwhelming sense of pride to witness a Black man going to the White House.  The images of him, his wife, and their two children walking across the stage were surreal.   My first thought was if only my dad were alive to witness this piece of history.

Michelle Obama, Becoming

Michelle Obama has become such a model of dignity and grace in her eight years as the first lady.  Tonight, I viewed her 20/20 interview with Robin Roberts.  The interview covered her new book, Becoming, which I pre-ordered a few months ago. 

Her Life

The best part of the interview was her honesty on topics that really touch women in every facet of their life.  She was honest about having a miscarriage and how she felt so alone.  It raised a good point on why this is not a conversation that we share universally.  My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage and fortunately for me, another friend had experienced a miscarriage months before so we were support for one another.  

Excerpts from Becoming

Robin was surprised to see in the book her talk about the lust for her husband.  Michelle was being  100% honest about how she felt about her husband.   Whenever they were together during those eight years in the White House, it was obvious they share a deep love and mutual respect for one another.    Michelle knew after they shared their first kiss he was the one.  She was very transparent that their “phenomenal marriage” is not without work and the help of marriage counseling.   I love the fact Michelle made it known on camera that marriage takes work.

On her visit to a dance class at her high school.  She talked about a school counselor telling her she was not Princeton material.  Fortunately, she wanted to prove the counselor wrong.  This conversation resonated with me because I was told by a school counselor to consider a different major for college.   I decided to do it anyway.  Michelle’s message to the girls was not to allow anyone to stop you from pursuing your dreams.   It was interesting to see Michelle wrestle with questioning whether she was good enough.  

Becoming My Thoughts so Far

My holiday break allowed me to catch up on reading Becoming. I am blown away with how familiar this book feels to my childhood, teen years, college years and beyond. I love Michelle’s transparency on every facet of her life. It is like I dove back into my childhood growing up in a working-class neighborhood of West Philly, growing up with relatives playing Pinochle, the angst of attending a predominately white university, and the challenges of balancing many hats as a woman. Her sense of family played a major role in her life choices. While I am still finishing the book, it is refreshing to read how career choices evolve over time. It is fine to make changes that are a better fit at various stages of life. I especially love reading about the relationship between Michelle and Barack. The progression of their loving relationship is authentic. I cannot to wait to finish so I can give my thoughts on the full content and what I can share with my tween.

The Transparency of their Marriage on “Red Table Talk” with Will and Jada Smith

Transparency of Marriage in Their Own Words

This is part 1 and part 2.  If you are not watching Red Table Talk, do not miss the next episode.  I enjoyed Part 1 and had to tune in for Part 2.

Part 1

Part 1  shows there are twists and turns to every relationship.  The irony of Will wanting to meet Jada but seeing his first wife and marrying her instead.    The start of Will and Jada’s relationship was after his divorce.   I noticed Jada gave up her life in Baltimore to be in this relationship.  Also,  Jada assumed the role of a stepmother without any preparation.  When Jada found out she was pregnant, a wedding was planned and she was not 100% on board with the idea.   Their new lives moved very quickly to living as husband and wife with a child.    There was no time in between to exhale.    and it was interesting that Will reached out to Jada after his divorce papers were signed. After my divorce, I realized taking time for myself was overlooked.

Part 2

As a divorcee, I realized it took me almost 20 years to know and understand what I need.  This episode covers a few topics that resonated with me on so many levels.   It was clear to me from this red table talk conversation their decisions were relevant to their lives and what is necessary for their family.   Marriage is not a one size fits all.   The one thing that really sticks is the fact that marriage is truly a partnership which means a mutual partnership that means each person has a right to have their needs met.   Also, in a partnership, it is necessary to communicate with your partner on everything with no secrets or judgments.

Marriage

I learned so much after watching part 1 and part 2 and wanted to share my thought.  What makes a marriage work? There is no formula or secret recipe.  I feel entering the institution with the right intentions is critical and not being in love with the idea of marriage.  I think having relevant examples helps to frame an understanding of what is expected.  If only I could rewind the clock and spend enough time living life.  The most important lesson for me is to bring your authentic self and do not bring an imposter.  Also, the ability to give a partner the space to enjoy what they are passionate about even if the interest is not shared  No two marriages are the same because what works in one home may not apply in someone else’s home.

Lessons Learned

I know to find someone who encourages me to be my best will be a blessing.  Did you miss when they said they talk about everything?  A partner to share the good, the bad and the ugly are golden.   I believe a relationship should serve to make one another better not to judge or criticize.  The ability to accept that as partners we are imperfectly perfect is an added bonus.   Last but not least, mutual respect for one another is priceless.

Post-Divorce and Advice Overload

Post-Divorce and What I Learned from Advice

Post-Divorce

Post-divorce brings a lot of challenges.  After the school year ended I was able to get away for some downtime.    Our school year was filled with a lot of challenges from the beginning to the end.   I booked my first solo trip in eight years.   My transition from being married to separated and finally divorced was a rollercoaster.   I am always making life decisions and trying to find balance is tough.   The best part of taking time away is looking forward to the next trip.  Traveling with intention is my priority.

When Advice Arrives

Divorce comes with a lot of advice, suggestions, and self-proclaimed wisdom.   I know my past, present, and future which means I need to do what makes sense for me.   While some advice may come with good intention only I know what works for my sanity.  Unfortunately, there is no handbook for life and disappointments are along the way.   The most important thing is that my decisions are in the best interest of myself and my kids.

Revelation

I will no longer feel guilty about scheduling time away to decompress and reset.   As a working mom, I loved the time away off the radar with no schedule except for watching a sunset.  The best thing to offer a single parent is the support to lessen the day to day grind.  Nothing is perfect but there are lessons to be learned along this path.

Parenting a Teen is a Daily Challenge and a Few Lessons Learned

 Teen

Parenting a Teen

This is the challenge of raising a teen son who has literally written the book on everything called life.   There are days when parenting is no bowl of cherries.   What happens between infancy and the age of thirteen?  I swear I am living with an unpleasant clone.  It is bad enough the communication skills go out the window with a teen.   Most of our conversations are filled with short one word answers, yes or no.   I really believe my parenting is based on the moon, because on certain days of any given month he will actually sit and have a real conversation.  I have look around like who is he talking to because there is no way this is happening.

Summer Jobs

In the past two years, I have drilled into him about getting a summer job.   I was trying to encourage him to get some experience under his belt to build a resume.  Mostly, it was a way for him to stop eating me out of a house and home.   Secondly, to get off the sofa and find something productive to do during the summer.   I was fed every excuse in the book, online applications are too much, I applied and never heard anything back, etc.  Then I had to ask well did you follow-up? The first interview did not go well.   Although, I was not present it was a hunch in light of the fact is was over in twelve minutes.   My follow-up was probably more in depth than his interview.  I asked him how it went and of course the invasive person he is just glazed over it.   My next questions were whether he did research, did you ask questions, etc, etc.   I guess I can say one down and more to come.

Money, Independence, and Experience

After more discussions on getting a job, he walks into a local business and gets a job on the spot.   I wish I could take credit but it a discussion with one of his friends who suggested he get a job.  Let me point out she’s been working since May.  No better way to get experience than to get hired on the spot and start working three days later.   His summary of working is his job is far more difficult than what I do every day.  I am loving every moment of his week as he sees how working with the public is not for the faint at heart.   The one silver lining is he is actually looking forward to going in each day.   We must hear about how messy customers are, how rude some can get if their orders are not right, all the cleaning he is expected to do.  I must preface all of this with the fact he is only working part-time 20-22 hours a  week.

Teen Lessons Learned

He is actually excited about earning his own money and is motivated to get to work.   A summer job has provided a sense of purpose and way for him to set goals for next year.    He is already planning where to apply for next summer.  I guess as much as my teen balks he does hear some things I preach.

The Reality of Finances when Raising Children with One Salary

finances

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Finances and the Reality of Raising Children with One Salary

Finances and raising children needs a serious reality check.  In January 2017, a published report stated a cost of raising a child as a married couple with two incomes is $233, 610 from birth to the age of 17.   Although, I do not have a newborn being a single parent with two school-age children and one income is a major financial challenge.

Childcare Expenses

For some reason,  it seems as if true expenses associated with raising children or trying to raise children effectively are overlooked.   The cost of living increases year over year and it entails more than housing, food, and clothing for children.    The additional expenses change each year.   For example, working full-time requires before and aftercare services.  There is no way around this expense if children are too young to stay home alone.  Childcare is a yearly expense of $6,000 each year with an incremental increase each year.   It is a necessary expense and unavoidable.   During summer break, a camp is another expense which can range from $2,000 to $4,000 per child depending on the program.   Both of these expenses are important for providing a safe and nurturing before and after school as well as during the summer months.

My younger child who has an interest in playing sports and there are expenses incurred.  Most townships offer sports programs for a fee each season.  In addition to the fee, sports require some element of the uniform at my expense such as footwear, safety equipment,  and special clothing.

Healthcare Expenses

Healthcare is another expense.  My youngest has a pre-existing condition which requires a monthly prescription with an out of pocket expense of over $150.  Now using my prescription by mail service, the prescription saves me over $150 every three months.   My HSA does cover some expenses such as over the counter medication, office visits, prescriptions.  However, there unexpected situations that may an emergency room visit.   In light of healthcare plans with deductibles,  there are costs for ER visits and overnight stays in a hospital.    Some hospitals offer financial assistance to reduce medical bills.

School Expenses

Both of my children are in public schools.   September brings a new list of school supplies at my expense.  If after-school clubs are offered, a fee is charged.   School trips have fees.   There are classroom events planned where parents are expected to contribute monetarily.   I am a firm believer of being a parent who is engaged on all levels of my children’s education.   This year my daughter wanted to play an instrument, there is a fee to rent the instrument for the school year.

Additional Expenses

Extracurricular activities such as vacations, day trips or cultural experience, sporting events are another expense.  Yes, some may these are not necessary.  My goal is to expose my children to as much as possible to nurture a well-rounded productive individual who can navigate in this world.

It is obvious some individuals are clueless when it comes to raising children beyond the necessities.   I think it is a waste of time to educate anyone on the how and why of parenting in the 21st century.    It is very despicable to me for individuals to provide the bare minimum and not be held accountable.   If it is a hard concept to grasp as far as what is required for financially supporting the well-being of children,  Google it!

Why is Matrimony so Difficult and Infidelity so Easy?

Matrimony
Matrimony is an institution that seems insurmountable.   The divorce rate is 50% and as a divorcee, I want no part of being remarried.   It was one of the most difficult and draining elements of my life.   Divorcing made me realize I was not living my best life.  The lifestyle was emotionally and physically draining with juggling a job, home and going from one child to two.  I no longer feel it is something I need to do with another person.   It feels like the generations of marriages lasting over 20 years is gone.  Five years is a feat it seems.
When I heard the song 4:4:4 I cringed because it sounds like an apology or a half-#$%  way of saying #$%*  happens.   What was the real purpose and who is it supposed to serve? Who will listen to this song and think if a megastar can be forgiving you can too?  Is the sanctity of marriage lost? Next, we see a celebrity embroiled in an extortion case and a tape.  Why is it so difficult to be faithful?  Why is a stable lifestyle taken for granted?  Has a life full of lies and deception become the new normal for some individuals?   As I watched episode 7 of Insecure, I remember the character Molly asking her mother why she stayed after finding out about her father’s infidelity. Her mother’s response was “he made me feel special more than hurt”.  Is this enough for a lifetime together?   I guess the alternative is living with infidelity and having someone making your life a living Hell is not an option.  How to recover to feel special after infidelity?  It is a crushing blow to the ego and self-esteem.   I think it’s only human to question yourself.   Does jewelry, a quick getaway, or an extravagant gift really erase the hurt and disappointment?   It makes me question the validity of intentions.
What I fail to understand is if there is ever any regret for the consequences. Is there only remorse because you’re caught?  Why is the “I’m not perfect” justification for unacceptable behavior?   True, we’re not perfect, however, where is the line drawn for respecting the institution.  Why is it so easy to risk destroying the trust and being disloyal?  I think taking a person for granted is a double-edged sword. There is no guarantee a person is open to reconciliation.   The disruption to a family is a long-term process of repair and I wonder are children ever fully over a home that is torn in two? As I live with my two kids, I see recurring remnants of issues each year.   It is not a fun position to be in when you see the struggle but can offer no immediate resolution.
I no longer feel it is necessary to entrust someone to provide what we need.  My faith in another person being in control for me and the kids has gone out the window.   The investment in someone else who may unravel our stability as we know it is not worth the gamble.   It can be exhausting trying to fit someone else’s profile on what they think is ideal.   It feels like self-preservation prevails and people are out for their own needs and there is no capacity for anyone else.   I have no issues with this mindset because we are all entitled to do what is best for ourselves.    The world today has changed from preserving the family unit.   I am convinced living my best life is as a single person.  My focus on our wellness and what is necessary is my responsibility.   I like being in charge of our life.