JenOni

Diary Of A Divorced CocoaMommy

A New Relationship after Divorce is not a Competition or a Race Down the Aisle Again

 

relationshipsNew relationships after divorce are not a competition.    It should be a thought provoking decision based on reality, not fiction.   After divorcing I feel like the amount of advice was overwhelming and on occasion, filled with utter stupidity.   I had an unnamed person tell me I should get married(remarried)!  My first thought was for what reason? Is this a competition of some sort?   The statement was so irrelevant to the conversation.   I also must point out the statement was filled with contempt.    It made me realize being happy and content after divorce is obviously an issue for some people.    One thing I do know is that any decisions I make that impact my happiness will never be made in haste or to compete with another person.

One of the best lessons after divorce is to be very strategic in all decisions that impact my well being.   A relationship sounds like a good idea, however, finding a suitable partner who shares the same values, goals, and lifestyle is challenging.    While the choice to settle for less is very easy this brings so much unnecessary stress.   One of the best advantages to being single is the ability to enjoy life independently and to be in charge of my well being.   Personally, I know the worst mistake I made was thinking a relationship(s) was a replacement for a failed marriage.  A failed marriage has you questioning a lot of things.    I needed to take the time to evaluate what is needed in my life before including another person to share my time and space.  This was eye opening because what I thought was necessary was more work than I need right now.

I believe it is important to stop trying to make up for the time spent in a failed marriage.   The best thing I can do is focus on making better choices and living my best life.   I am enjoying my time alone and being in charge of my decisions.   One of the best parts is taking my time to make the right choices when it comes to the right person and a  relationship.  The art of weeding out the wrong one to find the right one becomes easier and easier.  I am not phased with attention especially if it is not the right attention.    After many lessons, the best advice I can offer is to discover you again, use the time to make yourself better,  learn to enjoy you, love your self every day no matter how small or large,  do not look for someone else to save you,  make a conscious effort to try something new, take care of your temple, travel, start a things I want to do list (not a fan of bucket list).

I hope to continue to live the best life possible on my terms and if it is meant to share with someone else it will happen.   It feels damn good to look forward to planning things I put on the back burner for so many years.    As someone told me,  it will happen because I refuse to settle.     The words to live by are never settle and no regrets!

Single Motherhood is by Circumstance not by Choice with Divorce

Single Motherhood

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Single Motherhood

Single motherhood is a challenging journey that requires perseverance and commitment.   Every year on Father’s Day I notice a  surge of posts on women celebrating Father’s Day.   The fact that Hallmark found it necessary to add a card to its Mahogany line is even more ridiculous.  We are in some way to celebrate a woman being a mother on Father’s Day because there is no way, in my opinion, you can hold down both roles.    I believe only a mother can teach her children how to love and nurture which is entirely different than what a father teaches.   Before I became a mother, I lived with both parents and I remember my father’s role in our home.  Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was 19. The one thing I know I missed out on is having my father’s perspective on life and all the lessons that go along with challenges. Fathers who are engaged with their children shed a different light on the many facets involved with living.

As a divorced mom of two, becoming a single parent is by circumstance, not by choice.   Motherhood encompasses so many levels and does not warrant acknowledgment other than on the third Sunday in May.    For me, Mother’s Day feels like another day to some degree in terms of what is expected and required.    I feel like I am always on the clock every day, week, month and year.  There are so many hats to wear no matter the season.  It is my one job that is without breaks,  sick time,  and vacation.   Please do not feel compelled to acknowledge me on a day that was never meant for me.    The blessing of giving birth is the role I was destined to have and all the responsibility that comes along with the role.   This is not to negate the role of a father but I am good staying in my lane.

 The blessing of being a mother is one of intent and purpose and I am fine in that seat.

Reconciliation is not an Option for All Divorces

reconciliation

 

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Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not an option for all divorces.   After a conversation with an unnamed individual, I was caught off guard when she said she was hoping for a reconciliation.    Although this may apply for some couples it was not an option for me.    This conversation really made me think about the mindset of certain people especially those who grow up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I am convinced that anyone who would encourage reconciling to go back to a dysfunctional relationship is not concerned about my well-being.   It is so easy to live a facade for the purpose of trying to look happy on the outside while you’re crumbling physically and emotionally.   I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship with no regrets.

It is easy for some to live according to the rules of others and not stay true to themselves.  I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional marriage.   Her comments were unnerving in light of the fact infidelity impacts so many marriages.   It feels like it is a cycle of unacceptable behavior in some families and it is continuously brushed under the rug.

I have learned it is far more important to stay true to my values and choose the life I deserve.   This is why is it important for me to surround myself with a village who wants the best for me.  In the process,  it means not allowing people who do not have my best interest at heart in my life.   It feels great to embrace positivity and those who want the very best for me.

 

 

Divorce: It is not Contagious – How to Manage Advice ?

Divorce

Dear Diary,   When you divorce,  why is that you are no longer treated the same by others or extended invitations because you are now single?  It never dawned on me until I was in the midst of being separated and then divorced.   I witnessed how the dynamics of personal relationships change.   Personally, it feels like the word “divorce” is the proverbial elephant in the room or the bug no one wants to catch.   I have never received so much unwarranted advice from people who have absolutely no experience on the matter.

Single and Never Married: It is interesting for single people to attempt to give a once married person advice on marriage.    I crossed my eyes on a number of occasions.  One comment that still sticks to this day is one person telling me “that’s who you chose”.   You definitely learn to developed thick skin and count to 5 multiple times to avoid having an out of body experience.    If you need to vent or seek advice avoid sharing any of it with a single person, who was never married.   There is more judgment rendered than support offered.

Married Once, Absolute Expert: One conversation I vividly remember was from one of my brother’s female friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know my story.    During one conversation I vividly remember one of my brother’s friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know me or my story.  Yes,  I will admit in the initial phase of any experience your emotions are turned upside down and inside out.    I think some people assume the role of expert because they have a specific experience.   Let me tell you; never ASSUME anything about another person’s life.   Although our experiences are similar, our lives are not woven from the same cloth.   The last thing I needed was a psychological assessment from someone you have just met.    If you want an expert, consult the nearest mental health professional for an appointment.

Married and Understand Dynamics of Marriage:  It would only make sense that someone who is currently married with a clear understanding it is an absolute journey that requires work.   I think this is your reality check of advice.   They will offer a listening ear and provide a positive perspective on their lessons learned.

Separated/Divorce:  I have found the greatest support from those who are separated/divorcing or divorced.   They will understand how you are feeling and thinking as you navigate the same journey.  It is important to surround yourself with true champions who seek the positive out of unpleasant circumstances.    This is not the support circle to constantly focus on the negative but it is a tribe of encouragement, faith,  and motivation.   You may need to laugh, cry, vent and yell and still feel like you’re whole when the dust settles.   It is important to establish this tribe as you will rely on advice, constructive feedback, and direction from a place of genuine love and support.  My journey is a lot easier because I have this support network to

My JOURNEY is a lot easier because I have a support network to rely on when I need a POSITIVE perspective.

Divorce-It's Not Contagious

 

 

Divorce: Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

 

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“When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade”

My divorce was finalized in January 2013.  As I reflect on the process it dawned on me how much valuable time and energy is wasted mainly due to STUPIDITY!  The bigger question is WHY? what do inidividuals hope to GAIN? why be DIFFICULT?  It is so much more advantageous to speed up the process and go off peacefully. Here are my clear cut reasons why an AMICABLE DIVORCE is a matter of COMMON SENSE,  I know I know this does not grow in everyone’s garden!!!!  Bare with me HERE!

Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

  1. Both parties can start to rebuild their lives sooner than later.
  2. Reduce the  financial burden, lawyers are not inexpensive!!! Trust me  I still owe 3 years later!
  3. Reducing stress is beneficial to your MENTAL AND PHYSICAL WELL-BEING.
  4. Establish stability for child(ren) involved.   They have the right to live in  a STRESS-FREE ZONE as well!
  5. EXHALE!

Is it a Race to be Happy?

Diary of a Divorced CocoaMommy Resized

Happy Is My Story!

What is Happy?  The best part of the Wendy Williams show is her HOT TOPICS SEGMENT.  On Monday, she covers all the big headlines in pop culture from the weekend.     Well if you’re like me you either heard or, at least, saw Mariah Carey’s 35 carat engagement ring!!!! I believe the ring is valued at well over $7 million (hold it, pausing to count how I could invest that amount of money, I digress).  If you missed the ring of all celebrity rings I have shared below.   Now let’s get  pass the size and value of her new BLING!

 I am all for women finding love again and being happy after going through a separation and divorce.   However,  I wrestle with how you can honestly celebrate an engagement if you’re both still married.   It made me pause to say HOLD UP!!!

via GIPHY

After Wendy divulged the fact both she and her boyfriend are still married her next comment made me scratch my head.   She said I know there’s a race to be happy before your EX……..

I obviously missed this memo.  This year marks 3 years since my divorce papers were received in the mail.   Personally, I was so elated to close those chapters in my life I never thought twice about what my EX was doing or planning to do.    I had far too much planning of my own to care about rather than any race with the EX.

Now I will admit to a LOT of GROWTH and DEVELOPMENT from my separation to officially being DIVORCED!   As they say, hindsight is 20/20,  I would stand in lines to rewind and rewrite some of my decisions.    The only  race you should be in while divorcing is putting 100% of your  FOCUS on YOURSELF.   I uncovered some tough lessons  about myself, others and relationships along the way.   While I cannot change others I learned I had to change my behavior and choices to be HAPPY.    The one piece of advice I can offer up is to spend time finding YOUR HAPPY.    In the past six years, I went from being separated to officially divorced, I learned a ton of invaluable LESSONS.  We’re all HUMAN and we will make mistakes.  The key to learning  is not repeating the same mistakes.

HappyLife

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED

  1. Spend at least a YEAR carving out what you NEED for YOUR HAPPY.  Do not rush into another relationship!  When the timing is right all of these things will fall into place.
  2. Put your HOUSE in order in terms of your career, finances,  create a timeline of  short term and long term goals for yourself and your child(ren).
  3. Create a strong SUPPORT network of like-minded friends.   There will be times when you need a break, a time to vent and a reason to get away for some adult fun.
  4. Find what you LIKE, LOVE and are PASSIONATE about and DO IT!
  5. Remember your MENTAL and PHYSICAL well-being is determined by your behavior and the choices you make.  Each day should be centered on  YOUR HAPPY!

 

 

Divorce:The Reality of Displacing My Kids After Divorce

Divorce: Displacing My Kids after Divorce

My biggest regret during my divorce was displacing my kids.    I thought it was best for a fresh start however I never realized it was so difficult for my kids.    When my son was born we were in our first house until he was five years old.   It was the only house he knew and he was just starting to make friends on our street.     Nine months before my daughter was born we purchased another house in a different neighborhood.   For my son, this was his second house and the house my daughter was in until she was two.   My son was excited to be in a new school and a new neighborhood with more kids.  We lived there four years before we moved out.   It was a move out in every aspect of the word.   I scheduled a moving truck, packed dishes, books, china, and everything else I wanted to keep in storage.   I decided I would leave some furniture in the house, that was only fair or at least, I thought so at the time.   It was important to empty the kid’s bedrooms so when we did move it would feel familiar to them to have everything that was in their old rooms.     My daughter was still in daycare so for her the transition was different as she just moved to another preschool and eventually to a full-time daycare center until she started kindergarten.  Fortunately, I was able to get my son in a charter school which ended after a year and a half of constant stress and multiple behavioral issues.   Unfortunately, for my son, he  moved to the neighborhood public grade school which was filled with constant fights and more behavioral issues.   After a year and a half, he was in seventh grade and at the local Catholic grade school with his sister.   This level of instability was a major culprit for my son’s behavioral issues which is why I started taking him to a therapist.   Divorce can be extremely challenging with children especially if they are old enough to understand the dynamics.   For my son,  moving was the worst interruption of his life and now after six years, he is still a bit resentful.   After six years,  he feels his life was turned upside down and he had no control over the decisions.  If there was a way to rewrite the script I would have minimized the transition for the kids.   However,  stable finances at the time were nonexistent so it prevented us from moving into our own place.

FIVE YEARS LATER…….

Now as I fast forward five years, we were near our old neighborhood and of course, the kids wanted to drive by our old house.     I literally forgot how to get to the road we lived on after all of these years.   It was obviously a mental block.   I was so adamant about not going to the old house.  I knew at the time the house was for sale so it was still empty.   For the life of me, I didn’t understand why the kids wanted a reminder of our past.   Finally, I decided to get it out of their systems and drive over to the street.   It was an eery feeling driving through the entrance.     The house was still for sale and the kids jumped out to walk around the house.   I could see the excitement on my son’s face as well as the sadness.  The next question, “can we buy our house”? I quickly let them know it was not possible to purchase our old house and tried my best to explain if we are meant to have another “home” we will at some point.    Although, I had obviously moved on from our “old house” my kids were still stuck in our past.    It is unfortunate we cannot predict the emotional state of our kids during a divorce.

When adults move on it is gradual but I found a way to push through it day by day.   I know now that kids are not as resilient when it comes to giving up their normal.    They store memories of the familiar in a file and this is what they remember and hold on to for a long time.    I know first hand it is extremely difficult to remove memories for kids.   My kids will always hold a piece of our old neighborhood close to their hearts.   Whereas, for me, it just reminds me of feeling alone and isolated.  Definitely, not a haven we typically call “home”.

The best outcome in these situations is to keep as much normal as possible for kids.   Children are emotionally tied to what we give up. Moving on for kids is a slower process that takes more time than I ever realized in my decision.   The best thing we can offer as parents is to give them as much time as possible to move on.

Tanai Benard: My Inspiring Interview

Have you read a story on the internet that totally moves you?  Well, that was my reaction when I read about Tanai Benard who was featured in a post by Tenille Livingston on the Huffington Post.  Please check out her story here. Tanai Benard is an African-American mom of three children (2 sons and 1 daughter), ages 8, 9, and 10 living in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates.

After I started doing my blog series, Diary of a Divorced CocoaMommy I thought to do a Q&A with Tanai Benard.   My search began on Twitter, I first searched her name with no luck for a Twitter account.   From my search, I noticed Tanai’s name was tagged with another Twitter account, Veronique Links.   I reached out to Veronique on Twitter to see she held a Twitter chat on single moms and Tanai was a part of this discussion.   From that point, I explained to Veronique I was trying to reach Tanai to do a guest blog post.     Veronique tagged me on her tweet with Tanai and the rest, as they say, is history.   Tanai tweeted me back with her website and email address.   Well, of course, I emailed her immediately to see if we could schedule a time to Skype for a Q&A.  I was floored when she responded to set up a time. Thanks, Veronique for making this possible!

TanaiBernard4DeepAroundtheWorld

photo credit: by permission from TanaiBenard

Tanai Benard,Single Mom Living in Abu Dhabi

I LOVE the power of SOCIAL MEDIA and TECHNOLOGY, here’s our Q&A.     It took me less than a few hours to come up with relevant questions from one single mom to another.   I hope you enjoy!!!

Q: Why Dubai?  (She’s actually living in Abu Dhabi)
A: After a visitor from Abu Dhabi visited Tanai’s school she learned about the opportunities available and it peaked her interest in starting a new life in a foreign country.  This was an opportunity for her and her then husband to have a fresh start and provide financial gain.

Q:What was the true defining moment that pushed you to take a leap of faith to move to a foreign country?
A:  My back was against a wall. The divorce was filed, I was homeless and jobless (I had resigned from my job in preparation for moving).  When I saw it was starting to affect my children, my son was having difficulty in school.  I already knew what was here in the US and the struggle is real.  As the product of a single parent home, I didn’t want to live with the what if.

Q:How do you find balance in terms of a support network and finding ME time living in a foreign country?
A: I am really blessed to have kids who are self-sufficient.   Our week to week schedule is pretty hectic my boys are in football 4 hours of football.  My daughter is in gymnastics 4 hours a week.  I have joined an adult sports league for kickball and volleyball for my me time.   My support network is aunts and uncles for the kids.  They have a bigger family here than in the US.   My sons have male role models who will pick them up to take them to a football game to give me a break.   Another friend will pick-up my daughter to take her for to get her nails done.  My daughter had a gymnastics meet and friends showed up with signs to support my daughter.  Some of these friends do not have children of their own and they do it because I am a single mom.   For my birthday friends gave me free mommy time tickets so I can have time for myself.    Now I’m in a financial place to afford a nanny so I no longer have to worry about the cooking and cleaning.   This allows me to focus on the day-to-day with the kids and time for myself.

Q:How do you handle the challenges of instilling values and expectation as a single mom? What are some things you do with your kids?
A: My kids were born in the projects so they have seen gold teeth and the images.  They are not going to walk outside here and see pants sagging.  If they can’t find it on YouTube but it is something they have to search for it if it’s not right there.  I have really good role models here for my sons.  Most of the men are college educated, educators or ex-military,  upstanding men.   1)We do daily morning prayer because the kids need it, 2)family talks that are open and honest so I can gauge where they are as far as this journey is concerned, at the end of each school year we vote to see if we stay or move back majority vote rules.  It can’t just come down to I want to move back without a valid reason why.  3)I ask them what can I do to make the experience better, the kids wanted a better school and bigger home so I made that happen 4)travel is a must do, since we’re in a situation that affords us the opportunity to see the world.  We visit temples, neighborhoods and talk to the locals.  It’s about exposing them to things.  I always said I wanted to give my kids the world, not the next Jordans or Polo.

Q:It is phenomenal you have a mission of exposing your children to culture around the globe, How has this helped to shape who you are and the children?
A: We tell our children you can do anything you put your mind to.  In the back of our minds, we  kind of know we’re limited as we don’t have all access to everything but mommy is still going to tell you, you can do anything.   By us traveling they get to see I can come from the projects.  My kids were born into the welfare system and are well aware we were on food stamps and we lived in the projects.  They know the lifestyle we started from.   It shows them anything is possible no matter what downfalls you may have you can still come out of it.  At the end of the day I need my daughter to see as a woman you’re not limited and if things don’t pan out the way you expect them to pan out,  you don’t stop and let life overtake you.  I’m hoping they are learning not only about the world but about life and trying to overcome difficulties at the same time.
Q: How do you think this has shaped your perspective on having the ability to be exposed to all of these different cultures and experiences.
A:   I use to be so limited,  in terms of my  thought process.  I was an in-the-box thinker.   I feel like I can do anything any door can open and I can just take it.  Traveling has opened my eyes expounded my vision of what is possible for me, what is possible for my children.   I have become a global thinker versus a domestic thinker.

Q: As an African-American Ex-Pat living in Abu Dhabi, what has been the best part of your experience?  What would you say is the biggest myth you read or heard about living in the Middle East?
A:  The best experience is knowing my children are safe knowing my black sons are safe.  I can allow them to play outside and not worry about any violence.  Safety is the biggest thing.   A lot of people think when you live in the Middle East you lose your rights as a woman.   People told me that I would be able to drive or whatever I wanted to wear.  A big misconception based on what the media allows us to see.  When you say Middle East Americans think of war-ridden, terrorists it’s the total opposite of that.   I feel very safe living here.

Q:Your story is so inspiring to other women. What advice would you give to other single moms who are contemplating taking a leap of faith to live a more fulfilled life and they need a nudge?
A: I would say do not allow the fear of failure to consume you, a lot of the time it’s the reason we don’t do something.  We’re scared to fail, to fall but if you hit rock bottom there is nowhere to fall,  there’s nowhere to go but up.  We allow fear to consume us sometimes we’re missing our escape to our breakthrough.  Our breakthrough is on the other side but we’re too scared to find out.  We’re missing out, asking why can’t I make, why can’t I survive, why am I living paycheck to paycheck.  Well, your answer may be on the other side of what you’re scared to do.  When you’re scared to step out on faith you may be missing out.  We tell our children you can do anything you want to do and we tell our children as mothers you can be what you want to be and you can do what you want to do.   We don’t take our own advice.    We try to build our children up to not have fear to do something but what about ourselves.   Do we build ourselves up?   To say I’m going to be whatever I want to be and I’m going to do whatever I want to do.   We ask the questions What if I fail? What if I don’t make it?  -What if you do? actually, make it, what if this does work out to be what you needed.   I say just jump and take that leap of faith. What can go wrong? If you’re already in a bad situation it can’t get any worse.    If you were to look at my life I was thirty years old, a mother of three a former welfare recipient, a hurricane evacuee.   I had everything against me.  If you look at all the statistics, all the surveys and all the research basically I should be failing right now.  You can’t listen to the world!   You can’t allow the world to tell you what you shouldn’t be able to do or what you can’t do. Anything is possible for anybody. Now I went  from the projects, welfare, government assisted programs to have birthday parties on yachts and traveling to Paris.  All because I decided to take a LEAP OF FAITH!!!

In my blogging experience, this Q&A was a PHENOMENAL opportunity.  I always say there are lessons to be learned in every experience.   What I learned from Tanai is despite your circumstances anything is possible as long as you are willing to take LEAP OF FAITH.    In terms of parenting I have learned having a spiritual foundation is important as well as allowing our children to be an integral part of all decisions as it relates to their well-being.   Our conversation has enlightened my desire to seek to provide a more enriched cultural experience for my children.  Also, what resonates is the importance of having a support network and not being too PROUD!

Thanks so much Tanai for sharing your journey with me!  I wish you and your children the absolute BEST!  You can follow Tanai and her children on their journey through her website, TanaiBenard.  Also Tanai is on Instagram @4DeepAroundtheWorld , Twitter: @whoamitosay2011, and Facebook: 4DeepAroundtheWorld .

 

Divorce- Raising Kids After Divorce

 “When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade”

Tweet: When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade

Divorce-What am I Learning About Raising Kids After Divorce?

After divorce, I learned what is means to parent as a single parent.

  1. I realized there are times when the conversations with my children are not pleasant.  The circumstances of divorce may warrant explanations that are tough however I believe in transparency.   This is also dictated by the age of the child(ren) in terms of the nature of the discussion.  It should definitely be tailored around the maturity of the child(ren).
  2. Never underestimate the need for utilizing outside resources to help with PARENTING.   Seeking a mental health professional for children is a great way for children to express their feelings and emotions in a different space.
  3. There are times when I have to say NO! This is tough because as the parent you want to provide as much as you possibly can without restrictions.  However, there are circumstances beyond my control that warrant this response.   I try to provide my kids with an explanation if feasible.  Again I think they need to understand the reality of balancing what we need and what we want.
  4. I cannot harbor guilt for making real life decisions.
  5. Be PROACTIVE despite the challenges of having to make vital decisions.
  6. You have to set GROUND RULES!
  7. Parenting is not PERFECT!
  8. Every day presents a new opportunity to REFRESH and RENEW!
  9. Ask for help when needed!
  10. It never hurts to have a support network of like-minded parents.

Learned: What Being Mary Jane Taught Me?

 

DivorceDiaryofaDivorcedCocoaMommy

 

 

What I Learned From This Episode:

  • It is FINE  to not be SUPERWOMAN!
  • We will be LATE!
  • Juggling work and home are not a CAKE WALK!
  • It is CHALLENGING to have it all without sacrifices
  • Sometimes a MELTDOWN is needed, even if it’s about baking brownies!
  • Never let anyone else make you feel guilty for being a working mom
  • Don’t second guess who you are as a mother
  • Find an OUTLET(find time to decompress) that works for your schedule
  • Don’t COMPROMISE your happiness to please everyone else
  • Don’t LOSE YOURSELF!
  • Oh and last but not least I would never move in with my ex!