JenOni

Diary Of A Divorced CocoaMommy

The Transparency of their Marriage on “Red Table Talk” with Will and Jada Smith

 

 

Transparency of Marriage in Their Own Words

This is part 1 and part 2.  If you are not watching Red Table Talk, do not miss the next episode.  I enjoyed Part 1 and had to tune in for Part 2.

Part 1

Part 1 shows there are twists and turns to every relationship.  The irony of Will wanting to meet Jada but seeing his first wife and marrying her instead.    The start of Will and Jada’s relationship was after his divorce.  One thing I noticed was she gave up her life in Baltimore to be with him.  Also, she assumed the role of a stepmother without any preparation.  When she found out she was pregnant, a wedding was planned and she was not 100% on board with the idea.   Their new lives moved very quickly to living as husband and wife with a child.    There was no time in between to exhale.    It was interesting that Will reached out to Jada after his divorce papers were signed.  After my divorce, I realized taking time for myself was overlooked.  He was convinced that he needed to be with her based on their chance meeting.  It made me wonder if he checked out of his previous marriage which in turn led to its demise.  Despite,  overcoming a lot of hurdles it was clear divorce was not an option.  This episode made me wonder if we get a second chance to find the person we are meant to be with forever?

Part 2

As a divorcee, I realized it took me almost 20 years to know and understand what I need.  This episode covers a few topics that resonated with me on so many levels.   Yes, it was clear from the conversation their decisions are relevant to their lives and what is necessary for their family.  Marriage is not a one size fits all.   The one thing that really sticks is the fact that marriage is truly a partnership.   A mutual partnership that means each person has a right to have their needs met.  Also, in a partnership being able to communicate with your partner on everything is necessary.   No secrets or judgments.   Jada’s 40th  birthday was an awakening on finding herself and what was important for her outside of being a wife and mother.  I love the fact that Will recognized she needed to find her happy.  Do we take the time to think about these things before marriage?

Marriage

Some of the things I learned after watching part 1 and part 2.  What makes a marriage work? There is no formula or secret recipe.  I feel entering the institution with the right intentions is critical and not being in love with the idea of marriage.  I think having relevant examples helps to frame an understanding of what is expected.  If only I could rewind the clock and spend enough time living life.  The most important lesson for me is to bring your authentic self and do not bring an imposter.  Also, the ability to give a partner space to enjoy what they are passionate about even the interest is not common.  No two marriages are the same. What works in one home may not apply in someone else’s home.

If you find someone who encourages you to be your best self, this is a blessing.  Did you miss when they said they talk about everything?  A partner to share the good, the bad and the ugly are golden.   This space should be for making one another better not for the purpose of judgment or criticism.  The ability to accept that as partners we are imperfectly perfect is an added bonus.   Last but not least, mutual respect for one another is priceless.

Post Divorce and Advice Overload

Post-Divorce and What I Learned from Advice

This summer brought some downtime and I was able to get away for four days alone.  It was my first solo vacation in eight years.  This eve sounds out of order and not right.  In the llast laeight years, the transition from marriage to separated and finally divorced was a rollercoaster.  There were a lot of decisions to make and carving out time to find balance.  Some decisions were not without harsh consequences and making time to reset.  I am looking forward to more time to exhale.
This life transition comes with a lot of advice, suggestions, and self-proclaimed wisdom.  It has taken all of this time for me to realize I am the only person living my life.   I am the one who knows my past, present, and future which means I need to do what makes sense for me.  While some advice may come with good intention only I know what works for my sanity.  There is no handbook for life and disappointments are along the way.  I am at a point of advice overload and firmly need to move forward on my own terms.  While some may not agree with my decisions, I no longer care or feel I need to accomodate the suggestions of others. It is fine to sschedule time to decompress and set priorities that make sense for me.  The only person I need to answer to at the end of the day is myself.  I am not saying offering support is not welcome but know the ability to agree to disagree is fine too.  On some days, offering ways to lessen the load is needed more than inundating me with advice.  Nothing is perfect and there are lessons to be learned along this path for all.

The Law Library to File Paperwork for My Divorce

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Law Library

 

Law Library

Who knew spending my day off in law library would mean one step closer to divorce.   As I look back on hiring an attorney for my divorce, I realize I made so many mistakes due to lack of knowledge.   I filed for divorce in the Fall of 2008 and moved out of my home in 2010.   It was far too long.    I had no idea that every segment of the time with my attorney was timed and billed.     This meant every email,  phone calls,  mailings, time in court,  and filing documents.    In addition, to my divorce, she handled all the paperwork for child custody. The custody agreement was a waste of time as it was in effect for one year.   As two years passed and there was deliberate defiance with trying to sell the property -I wanted out of being married any longer.    It was senseless to go back to court and spend more money to sell a property.     I started thinking about my insurance policy and the fact I was still legally bound to this person.   As a spouse,  I was responsible to some extent for the other party and vice versa.    The worst thing imagined is having this individual make any decisions related to my health.      I made the decision to be completely honest with my attorney on the need to save on my legal costs.    My costs were quickly inching up to 5 digits and counting and she suggested her paralegal assist me with filing the remaining paperwork moving forward.    I scheduled a day off from work and spent my entire day in the law library in the municipal building in Chester County.

I made the decision to be completely honest with my attorney on the need to save on my legal costs.    My costs were quickly inching up to 5 digits and counting and she suggested her paralegal assist me with filing the remaining paperwork moving forward.    I scheduled a day off from work and spent my entire day in the law library.   My plan B was to tackle filing the remaining paperwork on my own.     I scheduled a day and spent the entire day in the law library.  Shortly, after I arrived in the library I learned none of the paperwork was available electronically.     I had to look for the forms in the respective law book and manually type each form.   This was extremely time-consuming but necessary to close that chapter.

After typing the forms, making copies, going to the prothonotary for a time stamp and mailing- the clock begins.   I did not expect to receive a counter to the divorce.    When I received a call from the paralegal to let me know I was missing a form, I thought I had to start all over again.   The paralegal was concerned the judge would not accept paperwork with different filing dates.   She filed all of the paperwork and the judge signed off on the divorce in  December of 2012.   I received my divorce decree in the mail in January of 2013.

I applaud my attorney for trying to settle with the property.   In amicable settlements, this is standard.     Unfortunately, this was not the case for me.   After two failed attempts in court to get the house sold, I gave up.  It was more important for me to get the divorce finalized even if I missed the opportunity to sell the house.   The one lesson I learned is that the will to get something accomplished far exceeds holding out for material goods.    A divorce is tricky but time is of the essence and the least amount of time spent the better mentally and financially.      The wedding is less than an hour but a divorce can last for years.   My issue is the hold it puts on moving forward.  You are legally bound to a person you want to sever ties with permanently.   This was a bone of contention for me as I wanted to rename my emergency contact,  list my children as beneficiaries for investments and insurance.   I wanted to know all of these areas were covered by individuals with a vested interest in my well-being.

In some cases, there is a struggle with settling finances, property, investments, pensions, 401K, etc.   For me, I had to forgo the fight to properly sell my marital property,  which ended up going into foreclosure.     The seven-year mark on my credit far exceeds still being legally married.  If the time is dragging, be proactive with your attorney and discuss options.   It is difficult to move forward if you are still married.   When you say “I’m divorced”  it is a true sign the past is behind you legally.

 

A New Relationship after Divorce is not a Competition or a Race Down the Aisle Again

 

relationshipsNew relationships after divorce are not a competition.    It should be a thought provoking decision based on reality, not fiction.   After divorcing I feel like the amount of advice was overwhelming and on occasion, filled with utter stupidity.   I had an unnamed person tell me I should get married(remarried)!  My first thought was for what reason? Is this a competition of some sort?   The statement was so irrelevant to the conversation.   I also must point out the statement was filled with contempt.    It made me realize being happy and content after divorce is obviously an issue for some people.    One thing I do know is that any decisions I make that impact my happiness will never be made in haste or to compete with another person.

One of the best lessons after divorce is to be very strategic in all decisions that impact my well being.   A relationship sounds like a good idea, however, finding a suitable partner who shares the same values, goals, and lifestyle is challenging.    While the choice to settle for less is very easy this brings so much unnecessary stress.   One of the best advantages to being single is the ability to enjoy life independently and to be in charge of my well being.   Personally, I know the worst mistake I made was thinking a relationship(s) was a replacement for a failed marriage.  A failed marriage has you questioning a lot of things.    I needed to take the time to evaluate what is needed in my life before including another person to share my time and space.  This was eye opening because what I thought was necessary was more work than I need right now.

I believe it is important to stop trying to make up for the time spent in a failed marriage.   The best thing I can do is focus on making better choices and living my best life.   I am enjoying my time alone and being in charge of my decisions.   One of the best parts is taking my time to make the right choices when it comes to the right person and a  relationship.  The art of weeding out the wrong one to find the right one becomes easier and easier.  I am not phased with attention especially if it is not the right attention.    After many lessons, the best advice I can offer is to discover you again, use the time to make yourself better,  learn to enjoy you, love your self every day no matter how small or large,  do not look for someone else to save you,  make a conscious effort to try something new, take care of your temple, travel, start a things I want to do list (not a fan of bucket list).

I hope to continue to live the best life possible on my terms and if it is meant to share with someone else it will happen.   It feels damn good to look forward to planning things I put on the back burner for so many years.    As someone told me,  it will happen because I refuse to settle.     The words to live by are never settle and no regrets!

Single Motherhood is by Circumstance not by Choice with Divorce

Single Motherhood

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Single Motherhood

Single motherhood is a challenging journey that requires perseverance and commitment.   Every year on Father’s Day I notice a  surge of posts on women celebrating Father’s Day.   The fact that Hallmark found it necessary to add a card to its Mahogany line is even more ridiculous.  We are in some way to celebrate a woman being a mother on Father’s Day because there is no way, in my opinion, you can hold down both roles.    I believe only a mother can teach her children how to love and nurture which is entirely different than what a father teaches.   Before I became a mother, I lived with both parents and I remember my father’s role in our home.  Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was 19. The one thing I know I missed out on is having my father’s perspective on life and all the lessons that go along with challenges. Fathers who are engaged with their children shed a different light on the many facets involved with living.

As a divorced mom of two, becoming a single parent is by circumstance, not by choice.   Motherhood encompasses so many levels and does not warrant acknowledgment other than on the third Sunday in May.    For me, Mother’s Day feels like another day to some degree in terms of what is expected and required.    I feel like I am always on the clock every day, week, month and year.  There are so many hats to wear no matter the season.  It is my one job that is without breaks,  sick time,  and vacation.   Please do not feel compelled to acknowledge me on a day that was never meant for me.    The blessing of giving birth is the role I was destined to have and all the responsibility that comes along with the role.   This is not to negate the role of a father but I am good staying in my lane.

 The blessing of being a mother is one of intent and purpose and I am fine in that seat.

Reconciliation is not an Option for All Divorces

reconciliation

 

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Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not an option for all divorces.   After a conversation with an unnamed individual, I was caught off guard when she said she was hoping for a reconciliation.    Although this may apply for some couples it was not an option for me.    This conversation really made me think about the mindset of certain people especially those who grow up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I am convinced that anyone who would encourage reconciling to go back to a dysfunctional relationship is not concerned about my well-being.   It is so easy to live a facade for the purpose of trying to look happy on the outside while you’re crumbling physically and emotionally.   I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship with no regrets.

It is easy for some to live according to the rules of others and not stay true to themselves.  I am so glad I had the wherewithal to walk away from a dysfunctional marriage.   Her comments were unnerving in light of the fact infidelity impacts so many marriages.   It feels like it is a cycle of unacceptable behavior in some families and it is continuously brushed under the rug.

I have learned it is far more important to stay true to my values and choose the life I deserve.   This is why is it important for me to surround myself with a village who wants the best for me.  In the process,  it means not allowing people who do not have my best interest at heart in my life.   It feels great to embrace positivity and those who want the very best for me.

 

 

Divorce: It is not Contagious – How to Manage Advice ?

Divorce

Dear Diary,   When you divorce,  why is that you are no longer treated the same by others or extended invitations because you are now single?  It never dawned on me until I was in the midst of being separated and then divorced.   I witnessed how the dynamics of personal relationships change.   Personally, it feels like the word “divorce” is the proverbial elephant in the room or the bug no one wants to catch.   I have never received so much unwarranted advice from people who have absolutely no experience on the matter.

Single and Never Married: It is interesting for single people to attempt to give a once married person advice on marriage.    I crossed my eyes on a number of occasions.  One comment that still sticks to this day is one person telling me “that’s who you chose”.   You definitely learn to developed thick skin and count to 5 multiple times to avoid having an out of body experience.    If you need to vent or seek advice avoid sharing any of it with a single person, who was never married.   There is more judgment rendered than support offered.

Married Once, Absolute Expert: One conversation I vividly remember was from one of my brother’s female friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know my story.    During one conversation I vividly remember one of my brother’s friends telling me I “was angry”.   This was mind boggling and definitely out of order!    I felt like who are you to assess what I’m feeling when you don’t know me or my story.  Yes,  I will admit in the initial phase of any experience your emotions are turned upside down and inside out.    I think some people assume the role of expert because they have a specific experience.   Let me tell you; never ASSUME anything about another person’s life.   Although our experiences are similar, our lives are not woven from the same cloth.   The last thing I needed was a psychological assessment from someone you have just met.    If you want an expert, consult the nearest mental health professional for an appointment.

Married and Understand Dynamics of Marriage:  It would only make sense that someone who is currently married with a clear understanding it is an absolute journey that requires work.   I think this is your reality check of advice.   They will offer a listening ear and provide a positive perspective on their lessons learned.

Separated/Divorce:  I have found the greatest support from those who are separated/divorcing or divorced.   They will understand how you are feeling and thinking as you navigate the same journey.  It is important to surround yourself with true champions who seek the positive out of unpleasant circumstances.    This is not the support circle to constantly focus on the negative but it is a tribe of encouragement, faith,  and motivation.   You may need to laugh, cry, vent and yell and still feel like you’re whole when the dust settles.   It is important to establish this tribe as you will rely on advice, constructive feedback, and direction from a place of genuine love and support.  My journey is a lot easier because I have this support network to

My JOURNEY is a lot easier because I have a support network to rely on when I need a POSITIVE perspective.

Divorce-It's Not Contagious

 

 

Divorce: Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

 

Tweet:

“When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade”

My divorce was finalized in January 2013.  As I reflect on the process it dawned on me how much valuable time and energy is wasted mainly due to STUPIDITY!  The bigger question is WHY? what do inidividuals hope to GAIN? why be DIFFICULT?  It is so much more advantageous to speed up the process and go off peacefully. Here are my clear cut reasons why an AMICABLE DIVORCE is a matter of COMMON SENSE,  I know I know this does not grow in everyone’s garden!!!!  Bare with me HERE!

Why an Amicable Divorce is Necessary?

  1. Both parties can start to rebuild their lives sooner than later.
  2. Reduce the  financial burden, lawyers are not inexpensive!!! Trust me  I still owe 3 years later!
  3. Reducing stress is beneficial to your MENTAL AND PHYSICAL WELL-BEING.
  4. Establish stability for child(ren) involved.   They have the right to live in  a STRESS-FREE ZONE as well!
  5. EXHALE!

Is it a Race to be Happy?

Diary of a Divorced CocoaMommy Resized

Happy Is My Story!

What is Happy?  The best part of the Wendy Williams show is her HOT TOPICS SEGMENT.  On Monday, she covers all the big headlines in pop culture from the weekend.     Well if you’re like me you either heard or, at least, saw Mariah Carey’s 35 carat engagement ring!!!! I believe the ring is valued at well over $7 million (hold it, pausing to count how I could invest that amount of money, I digress).  If you missed the ring of all celebrity rings I have shared below.   Now let’s get  pass the size and value of her new BLING!

 I am all for women finding love again and being happy after going through a separation and divorce.   However,  I wrestle with how you can honestly celebrate an engagement if you’re both still married.   It made me pause to say HOLD UP!!!

via GIPHY

After Wendy divulged the fact both she and her boyfriend are still married her next comment made me scratch my head.   She said I know there’s a race to be happy before your EX……..

I obviously missed this memo.  This year marks 3 years since my divorce papers were received in the mail.   Personally, I was so elated to close those chapters in my life I never thought twice about what my EX was doing or planning to do.    I had far too much planning of my own to care about rather than any race with the EX.

Now I will admit to a LOT of GROWTH and DEVELOPMENT from my separation to officially being DIVORCED!   As they say, hindsight is 20/20,  I would stand in lines to rewind and rewrite some of my decisions.    The only  race you should be in while divorcing is putting 100% of your  FOCUS on YOURSELF.   I uncovered some tough lessons  about myself, others and relationships along the way.   While I cannot change others I learned I had to change my behavior and choices to be HAPPY.    The one piece of advice I can offer up is to spend time finding YOUR HAPPY.    In the past six years, I went from being separated to officially divorced, I learned a ton of invaluable LESSONS.  We’re all HUMAN and we will make mistakes.  The key to learning  is not repeating the same mistakes.

HappyLife

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED

  1. Spend at least a YEAR carving out what you NEED for YOUR HAPPY.  Do not rush into another relationship!  When the timing is right all of these things will fall into place.
  2. Put your HOUSE in order in terms of your career, finances,  create a timeline of  short term and long term goals for yourself and your child(ren).
  3. Create a strong SUPPORT network of like-minded friends.   There will be times when you need a break, a time to vent and a reason to get away for some adult fun.
  4. Find what you LIKE, LOVE and are PASSIONATE about and DO IT!
  5. Remember your MENTAL and PHYSICAL well-being is determined by your behavior and the choices you make.  Each day should be centered on  YOUR HAPPY!

 

 

Divorce:The Reality of Displacing My Kids After Divorce

Divorce: Displacing My Kids after Divorce

My biggest regret during my divorce was displacing my kids.    I thought it was best for a fresh start however I never realized it was so difficult for my kids.    When my son was born we were in our first house until he was five years old.   It was the only house he knew and he was just starting to make friends on our street.     Nine months before my daughter was born we purchased another house in a different neighborhood.   For my son, this was his second house and the house my daughter was in until she was two.   My son was excited to be in a new school and a new neighborhood with more kids.  We lived there four years before we moved out.   It was a move out in every aspect of the word.   I scheduled a moving truck, packed dishes, books, china, and everything else I wanted to keep in storage.   I decided I would leave some furniture in the house, that was only fair or at least, I thought so at the time.   It was important to empty the kid’s bedrooms so when we did move it would feel familiar to them to have everything that was in their old rooms.     My daughter was still in daycare so for her the transition was different as she just moved to another preschool and eventually to a full-time daycare center until she started kindergarten.  Fortunately, I was able to get my son in a charter school which ended after a year and a half of constant stress and multiple behavioral issues.   Unfortunately, for my son, he  moved to the neighborhood public grade school which was filled with constant fights and more behavioral issues.   After a year and a half, he was in seventh grade and at the local Catholic grade school with his sister.   This level of instability was a major culprit for my son’s behavioral issues which is why I started taking him to a therapist.   Divorce can be extremely challenging with children especially if they are old enough to understand the dynamics.   For my son,  moving was the worst interruption of his life and now after six years, he is still a bit resentful.   After six years,  he feels his life was turned upside down and he had no control over the decisions.  If there was a way to rewrite the script I would have minimized the transition for the kids.   However,  stable finances at the time were nonexistent so it prevented us from moving into our own place.

FIVE YEARS LATER…….

Now as I fast forward five years, we were near our old neighborhood and of course, the kids wanted to drive by our old house.     I literally forgot how to get to the road we lived on after all of these years.   It was obviously a mental block.   I was so adamant about not going to the old house.  I knew at the time the house was for sale so it was still empty.   For the life of me, I didn’t understand why the kids wanted a reminder of our past.   Finally, I decided to get it out of their systems and drive over to the street.   It was an eery feeling driving through the entrance.     The house was still for sale and the kids jumped out to walk around the house.   I could see the excitement on my son’s face as well as the sadness.  The next question, “can we buy our house”? I quickly let them know it was not possible to purchase our old house and tried my best to explain if we are meant to have another “home” we will at some point.    Although, I had obviously moved on from our “old house” my kids were still stuck in our past.    It is unfortunate we cannot predict the emotional state of our kids during a divorce.

When adults move on it is gradual but I found a way to push through it day by day.   I know now that kids are not as resilient when it comes to giving up their normal.    They store memories of the familiar in a file and this is what they remember and hold on to for a long time.    I know first hand it is extremely difficult to remove memories for kids.   My kids will always hold a piece of our old neighborhood close to their hearts.   Whereas, for me, it just reminds me of feeling alone and isolated.  Definitely, not a haven we typically call “home”.

The best outcome in these situations is to keep as much normal as possible for kids.   Children are emotionally tied to what we give up. Moving on for kids is a slower process that takes more time than I ever realized in my decision.   The best thing we can offer as parents is to give them as much time as possible to move on.